[jskar1017]

thanks for all replies again, to my earlier posting re: do i tell my sister she's my sister. i have discussed this with my therapist who suggested a new idea, and i would like anyone's feedback. instead of calling or writing a letter to her to tell her the truth about our family, my therapist suggested i say something like this, "i want to share something with you about our family. it has to do with the relationships in our family and with you. i want to know if it's okay with you if i share this with you?"

the thought here being, that it gives her the opportunity to not hear this truth. it gives her a chance to remain ignorant, in case she suspects she would not want to hear whatever it is i have to tell her. and it allows her to come to me at any point later, if she wants, and say i'm ready or now i want to know, tell me now.

now this seems to me like i should definitely do this instead of just out-right telling her the truth, as i thought i was preparing myself to do. but i'm still not sure. this is really hard.

thanks again
jskar

[jskar1017]

i forgot to also ask folks about the following. it has also been suggested to me to find out "legally" what, if any, responsibility i have if i tell her this information, and she does something to harm herself or someone else in my family. does anyone have any advice on how i should find advice on this?

(and does this sound like a melodramatic over-reaction?) i feel guilty even writing about this question.

jskar

[PinkRibbon]

First about the legal question--- that seems incredibly cold and unfamily like and yes melodramatic. You are only speaking the truth. That said, if she has a history of violence or suicidal behavior, you may want to rethink how you tell her (in person rather than phone). People don't cause other people to become violent or commit suicide. Remember, you're telling her the truth, not a lie.

I think your therapists suggestion is very respectful, although I can't honestly say that I know anyone who would respond to "i want to share something with you about our family. it has to do with the relationships in our family and with you. i want to know if it's okay with you if i share this with you?" with , "Nah, I'd rather not know." . It does prepare her for the news.
If I was your sister my one of my questions would be, "Why didn't you tell me sooner." I might be a bit hurt at first that you waited so long, but that would go away quickly as I processed the enormity of the news.

[maryjanek]

jskar --

First, I agree you need to tell your sister. I went back to your first post, which I had missed, and saw the letter/phone/in person debate and just wanted to put in my two cents on the benefits of a letter. I think the objection that she'll be left sitting alone with the news could be dealt with by asking her to please call you after she's read it so you can talk. You know your sister best, though. Would she, like me, appreciate some privacy while she absorbs the information, or would she want someone there for support right away?

It's been my experience that while family secrets may be shocking when they are first revealed, they quickly begin to make sense of family dynamics that may have seemed mysterious for years. If you follow your therapist's suggestion and your sister already knows, or suspects, but thinks you don't know, it will probably be a relief to her to find out you do. If she doesn't know, it is a gentle way to prepare her to hear the news. And if she says she doesn't WANT to know, I think that means she probably already does on some level.

I wish you the best.