[joyce madeline]

is grief possible if you never knew your parents before they died?

[patrisha]

I don't think it's grief in the same sense as the loss felt when someone was once a integral part of your life. It's more a loss in the sense of what might have been. Sort of a more of a feeling of being denied something of deep rooted importance.

The loss can be just as devestating (sometimes more). I think it's more like finding out something like the fact you will not have any children.

The important part is to let yourself feel just whatever it is you feel. No self recrimination or justification required.

Best wishes,

Trish

[joyce madeline]

thanks for your help, i think you are right.i feel nuts for feeling so strongly about my birth parents though i never knew them, anger, pain, helplessness, so many unanswered questions and frustrations.its is hard not to build fantasies about these people like i did when i was a child.im 24, though sometimes i feel like i am stuck in the past

[gracey5276]

Yes! I think it would be very possiable. If you were like me you knew you were adopted ever since you were old enough to comprehend what it ment. So in a way you felt like you knew them, the people you had invisioned in your mind. When you found out that they had passed, the people you knew had died. Not to mention the hopes and dreams we all, as adoptees dream of sharing with our bparents when we find them.
My heart and my prayers go out to you.
God bless.

[l-thompson]

Absolutely...you are grieving for what will never be, mourning the loss of a relationship with your birthparents, the fact that you will not be able to speak with them or hear their story from them.

Yes, you do grieve and you do mourn..for what you have lost and the birthparents you will never get to have in your life.

They are your feelings/your emotions and you have every right to them.

Thinking of you.

[elizabeth j. Re]

It is real.. I found my bmom the day she died and went to her funeral...My whole world stopped for months. I did't greive as much for my a-mom..Its been 17yrs since my bmom passed and there is still greving..I am searching for a sister..........Keep looking forward

[Laura Palmer]

I too found my birthmom alive (through my uncle in England) in Aug. 2002, thought I was being rejected. Than finally hired a PI & found out she had died Jan 2003, before I could meet her. My birthfather also was deceased for about 25 years before that!! He died of a drug overdose (42 years old). I felt really bad for a while. But I am glad to have my birthmom's friends accepting me into their lives & will be meeting my uncle & aunt (birthfathers brother & sister) in a few weeks!! So sometimes there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Are you searching for any other members of your birthfamily??? Sometimes it helps, if you can. Thanks, Sue

[NewlyScotGirl]

I, too, found my birth parents had passed away. My letter to bfather arrived on the day of his funeral. I had prepared for many possibilities but was torn apart by that.

The grief is called ambiguous loss, kind of a frozen, lurching sadness we feel from people leaving without saying goodbye.

A good book by Pauline Boss is "Ambiguous Loss, Learning to live with unresolved grief" from Harvard University Press. Let me know if you like it. My own copy is dog-eared & stained from re-readings. It's like a detailed conversation with a really smart friend, filled with compassion & wisdom.

[NikkiLGA]

Yes, its possible, and it happens. It happened to me. You can read my atory at adoption.com, emag, June 17, 2003 issue, "He Did This For Us" by Nikki Lever. My birthmom, Liz died from injuries received in a car crash in 1977. When I found out, my heart sank to my feet. I did grieve, but I must admit at first I did not understand it. I rationalized it this way, that when she relinquished me that day at the hospital she grieved for me, and now I grieve for her. The first time I ever went to the cemetery, it was terrible. I fell to my face and cried and cried. I literally could not get up off of the ground. I grieve for what I cannot have. I grieve for the person I never knew, I grieve because others have memories of her that I do not. But I will say the Lord has helped me, and the more I share my story, the more healing comes to my heart. Also, it helps when I spend time with other members of my birth family.

Love - NikkiLGA

[elizabeth j. Re]

Nikki
I have a big birth family and am only close to my uncle but he lives in philly and i in pgh. He understands all of this becuase he has an adopted son. He tries to be helpful about telling me about my mom but she was closer to her sister who is now dead also. I think all the information I need to find my sister went with her. I did have a good relations before her death but I was in a fog and was relishing in my new family of cousins and all the stories and how close we were to meeting each other before our reunion. Did'nt think she was going to die too. My cousions that live here don't really like my husband who is very out spoken(not that he needs to be when he just doesn't understand alll of this).
I could go on for ever. I just found a support group here and am waithing for the meeting date. I hope this will help. Thank you for your "message". If you like you can e-mail me Liz15220@aol.com

Love liz

[jomar4]

I do hope I am not intruding. I am a birthmom searching.

Do I greive for my child that died at three months,
Do I feel her loss, loss of dreams for what could have been.
Loss of all I wanted for her, of her in my arms.

They are probably watching over you
As you want for them,
As I know my Daddy watches over me, since the age of six.

jomar4