[TRON]

I'm in an odd situation. I know somebody is adopted and they don't. The person who's adoption i know about is my mother's friend's 20 y/o daughter. I'm turning 19 next month. This girl used to live in my neighborhood but moved about 5 minuts away and i sometimes talk to her over AIM or through e-mails every once in a while. In november my grandmother who recintly died told me that the girl was adopted and she couldn't believe her mother didn't tell her by accident. She mistakenly thaught i already knew. When i confronted my mother about the INFO. Grandma told me she confirmed that the girl was adopted and her parents didn't tell her. She told me that the girls mother didn't tell her because she felt her daughter would hate her if she found out. She even went so far as to threatin her husband with divorce if he ever told the daughter. I asked my mother if the girl ever had any suspicions about her adoption and she told me that once the girl overherd her mother tell a doctor that she was adopted when she was 9 or 10 and became very intrested in her adoption. Her mother lied to her and told her she lied to the doctor because she didn't want the doctor to have any "PRE-CONCIEVED IDEAS ABOUT HER DAUGHTERS GENETIC HISTORY" From what my mother told me it seems that the mother may of have sucessfully fooled her daughter. When i asked about the girl's biological parents my mother told me that they were two highschool students from Long Island. A few years ago i saw a girl who looked like she could of been the girl's sister working at a ticked booth at an amusement park in long island. The girl looked a little younger the girl whose secret i know. I mentioned this because the girl whose secret i know is an only child. She described one of her close firends as "THE SISTER SHE NEVRE HAD" once. My mother has indicated to me that she would deffinatly tell the girl she was adopted if both of her parents died. While my mother won't punish me if i tell her she dosn't think i should tell her yet. She thinks i should wait a couple of years. I think this would be a mistake because i would want the girl to tell me if i was adopted and i was in her situation. I wouldn't want to wait another 5 or 6 years to find my brothers or half brothers. I am seriously thinking of telling the girl over the summer or even sooner. My brother was adopted(and knows) and i think adoption is a wonderful thing. I would really appericate some advice as to weather or not i should tell her. Thank you for taking time to read my post.

[FatBirdy]

This is a tricky situation....there are no right and wrong answers. I HATE hearing stories about children not knowing that they are adopted. It's very sad, especially when everyone else knows. When this girl finds out the truth she will probably feel like she has been walking around her whole life with a 'kick me' sign on her back. Basically, you should think about what you would want if you were her. Would you want to be told? I would.

[KittyKitten]

What would a true friend do? Tell the truth or let another believe in lie?

Just my thoughts,
Kitty

[l-thompson]

Secrets in a family are terrible and so imagine how your friend will feel when she eventually finds out she is the secret...and she will...eventually......whether its you or not.

It may also give her Mother the opportunity to finally tell the truth. I am unsure why her Mother would not tell her?
Being adopted or adopting a child is nothing to be secretive about is it?????

Its a tough call either way - whether you tell your friend or not.

I was told I was adopted when I was very young - I would be devastated to learn of this later in life.
The devastation would not come about because I was adopted it would be because I was not told the truth.

Good Luck.

[Sharon]

I feel that it is a good idea to tell her the truth... the sooner, the better. Of course, you must follow your own instincts; if she is an unstable or emotionally fragile person, for instance, it might actually be dangerous to her emotional and psychological health for you to break the news... it might best be left to a professional of some sort; although I'm not sure how that would work.
But if she's a seemingly stable and well-grounded person, then I think you should go ahead and tell her. Yes. Knowledge is always better than ignorance. It sounds like she suspects something fishy anyway, and probably has for a long time. Your disclosure would probably only be confirmation (and validation) of what she already knows.
Best of luck, ~ Sharon

[Shai's Mom]

I absolutely agree with you that your friend has the right to know that she was adopted. It's very sad that she was never told by her mother.

I'm a little concerned that if you are the one to tell the girl about her adoption, this may cause serious harm to the relationship she has with her a-mom. This is a delicate situation and mishandling it can cause a lot of pain to the people involved.

Before you tell could you maybe give a "warning" to the a-mom, so maybe she'll tell her daughter herself? If she chooses not to come clean, then it's on her.

Maybe you could also get some advice from a spiritual leader on how best to tackle this problem.

If you aren't comfortable with the idea of a face-to face confrontation with the mother, you could call her or even write her a letter. I don't think she'll be happy about it, but she

The truth must be told, but maybe it can be done with damage control in mind.

[goldengate98]

This is tough and you are obviously a courageous person. My recommendation is that you either directly talk to your friends mother and let her know that you know about this. If you are uncomfortable with that you might find a go-between (an adult friend who knows you and your friends mother - e.g. a pastor) and ask them to convey the message to the motehr.

You need to knowthat telling your friend may potentially damage her relatiphsip with her mother - so at least give her mother a heads up if you decide to tell your friend. Shemay ask for the opportunity to tell her herself.

[dl]

I agree with Shai's Mom and goldengate98. I would either talk to your friend's Mother yourself or find a go between. What about your own Mother talking to your friend's Mother? You mentioned that they are friends. Your Mother could tell her that your Grandmother told you and that she had best tell her daughter.

[aspenhall]

I agree give amom a deadline, then tell your friend. But give the mom a last chance to make her relationship right.

[feelinglost]

No one knows this situation or people like you, so you need to make the choice to tell or not to tell. I agree with all of the above, that you need to talk to the amom or a go between first, give them a chance to make this right. This needs to be done because its not fun finding out later in life it creates different problems and different questions. Believe me I know, Found out when I was 40) Just a suggestion if I might,(if it's ok, I'm not sure if you can) print out some of this posts from "found out later in life", the posts in this thread and let the amom read them. She may truly feel shes doing the right things, alot of aparents do and did feel this way. Maybe if she sees the other side 1st hand, the amom might learn through this how important this is. Just thought it might be worth a try. Good luck, let us know!!!!

[Fekhten]

Your friend definitely deserves to know. The later she finds out or figures it out, the stronger the chance that one or more of her birth relatives will have passed away.

-Fekhten

[TRON]

Thank you for responding to my post. Well I'm not 100% sure that I will tell she's adopted yet but it is very likely. I'm probably not going to tip her parents off b/c i just have a feeling i should not do that. What I would do is tell her that i know one of her family secrets and if she asked me to tell her I'd tell her. I still need some time to think of weather or not i'll tell her so i'll probably wait untill the summer or april to do that. I could live with not telling her but I think it would be best for her to find out sooner than later.

[goldengate98]

Hey tron,

You have to do what you think best. But let me ask you a question. What is the risk of "tipping off" your friends parents?
Does it matter more to you that she learn the truth, or that you be the one who tells her?

[TRON]

The reasions why i don't want to make her parents aware of what i intend to do is that i might want to keep my identity a secret between the girl and i. If it's possible for me get the girl to prove to her parents that she is adopted and they admit it and give all the facts then i'll ask the girl to keep my identity a secret. It's also possible that they would try to move to another part of the country to prevent me from contacting her. Her parents don't even know that i know their daughter is adopted so this will come as a big shock to them. This is just a complicated situation so i'm going to think about it for a long time and pray that i make the right decision.

[TRON]

The reasions why i don't want to make her parents aware of what i intend to do is that i might want to keep my identity a secret between the girl and i. If it's possible for me get the girl to prove to her parents that she is adopted and they admit it and give all the facts then i'll ask the girl to keep my identity a secret. It's also possible that they would try to move to another part of the country to prevent me from contacting her. Her parents don't even know that i know their daughter is adopted so this will come as a big shock to them. This is just a complicated situation so i'm going to think about it for a long time and pray that i make the right decision.