[irishlassie]

I havent been here in a long time but found so much help and support a few years back from reading other peoples thoughts. I knew I was adopted from around the age of 9 but my a/parents strongly denied this, I was inquisitive as a child and actually found my adoption certificate but when my a/parents denied this I decided not to go down that road as my life was extremely happy that was until about 4 years ago when I got the dreaded letter asking me to contact social services, I cant explain how I felt then but at 35 it was a shock. Eventually I plucked the courage up to contact the people in question and now 4 years on I have met brothers and sisters x19 and lots and lots of neices and nephews. I never met my b/parents but the strange thing is I would not have proceeded if i thought they were still alive, maybe its anger or hurt but I had a wonderful childhood and have wonderful a/parents, although they still dont know I know! they have my brother (who was adopted also) but they think he is just a friend. Part of me thinks I should let them know I know but then again they are in their 80's and I dont see why I should upset them at this time of their lives, I dont want them to think I think any less of them.

So for me finding out older was better as I have such as strong loving relationship with my a/parents that my b/parents mean nothing to me.

[Poleczech]

I am a fairly new AP. First, I'd like to say that I am so very sorry for all of you who found out later in life that you were adopted. Our son is only 4 months old, but we have been talking to him about his adoption from day one. We also have several children's books on adoption, and we read from those as any other bedtime story. I don't want him to ever feel like we lied to him or kept his adoption a secret.

I hope you don't mind my asking, because I truly want to help my son understand his adoption (we currently have an open adoption with his birthmother and a semi open adoption with his birthfather). What kind of information would you have wanted to receive had you been told "from the beginning" of your adoption? What could your APs have done differently (other than obviously not keeping it from you) that would have made things easier for you deal with or accept? If you have any advice for me from an adoptee to an AP, what would that be???

Thanks

[StarryNights™]

What could have my amom of done to help me cope with it more easily? Not lied to me. The day I found out was the day before I was leaving for my vacation in England. I had an 8+ hour flight to do nothing but stew and mull over what had been told to me by her. Then I had 13 days to attempt to have a great vacation and a 10 + hour flight back home. Lots of time for questions and getting angry.

I think she should have done some research and gave me a list of support groups or counseling to help me understand it all. When you think about it 35 years is a long time to be lied to.

[feelinglost]

I have been "mulling" this over for almost 3 years now....I found out right after my 4oth birthday...It's very, very hard to understand!!! But I have to tell you, I feel lied to, I feel alot of what I believe was a lie.....But I am who I am......I think for our aparents generation, it was normal not to say anything....some of us knew, some of us didn't....I'm not sure why my Amom told me when she did, my Adad had been gone for over 10 years, but she did, feeling that if she died there would be no one to answer questions....But you know the frist question she asked me after she told me was "do you stilll love me", Like that would change the way my heart feels.....I'm letting you know your not alone, time has healed some, but trying to understand why just drives me crazy. For those who are aparents, please tell your children....let them know....they need to know.....I'm not sure I'll every get over what I call "living a lie" right down to not being half french and half italian...it's very hard, it's hurtful, (though not meant to be) and scary to realize all this years, all these forms you've filled out, all your history, the things I've told my children!!! So tell your achildren, it's better all the way around. They love you, nothing will change that. It's been awhile since I've talked about this, thankyou, it feels good to talk about it.

Feelinglost

[StarryNights™]

Lost,

I totally know what you mean. I was told I was Irish and English. Fact is I am almost 100% German.

What upsets me is what I have told my friends over the years. EVERYONE knew that my mom was my "mom", the having to explain it to everyone that she is not my biological mom after so many years, I have been met with people calling me a liar. Then it gets spread through the grape vine that I have lost my mind. ugh

Heck, I even told my ex-husband with my mom at my side one day while we were in the grocery store just so he would believe me. When mom confirmed it, he looked so confused.

They do not take into consideration what happens to our lives when they wait so long to tell us.

[feelinglost]

Starry:

Well, my story is a little different, everyone and I mean everyone knew, but me ....how this huge family (adad came from 10) could have kept it, is beyond me....But I was three when I was brought into this family, most were older, so they just kept the secert.. finding out late really isn't fun.....raises an awful lot of questions....no family history etc. Questions, I'm most likely never going to get answers to. I found it very hard to tell my boys, but I did....they just had a few questions and rolled right on....for them it's nothing....adoption isn't hidden in their world, so it was fine. People I work with, my friends....gee I still wonder if they think I was a fool.....They support me, but you really have to wonder...I just took my aparents at their word...I just never even thought....so yes you and I feel the same about a lot...after these years have past I think I just bury it, but when I do talk about it, it all comes back, all the feelings all the questions. I know 40 years ago things were different, my Birth cert, the names aren't real....so it's been a long road, just one day at a time. Feeling lost doesn't even touch the surface, I know who I am, thing here are fine.....but not even to be able to answer basic questions...I just find it rough. Maybe I'm being too dramtic.....