[HAIR127]

I HATE FAMILY SECRETS! BEING A CHILD AND BEING RAISED IN SO MUCH FAMILY DECEPTION WAS EMOTIONALLY MINDBOGGLING! ID HEAR THINGS IN THE FAMILY AND THEN AS A CHILD OR ADULT YOU ASK ABOUT WHAT YOU HEARD....AND THE ANSWER WAS ALWAYS......THATS YOUR IMAGINATION. I DIDNT SAY THAT, OR YOU DIDNT HEAR THAT! JUST THINK HOW THAT DESTROYS A CHILDS SENSE OF REALITY! I HAVE 6 BABY COUSINS MISSING FROM THE 40S AND EARLY 50S. FAMILY SECRETS. BUT.....YOU GET ALL OF US COUSINS THAT ARE STILL TOGETHER NOW...BEING OLDER...AND EACH ONE OF US TELLS THE TIDBITS THEY HEARD GROWING UP. AND A BIGGER PICTURE FORMS! THEN THE SECRET KEEPERS ARE RIGHT THERE TO DENY .....DENY.....DENY..........DENYING THEIR OWN REALITY. CHOOSING FANTACY INSTEAD. SAD..... I ONCE HEARD A FAMILY IS ONLY AS SICK AS THEIR FAMILY SECRETS. I WANT THE TRUTH! ANYONE ELSE? HUS JANET

[HappyMomAnna]

HAIR127
Thank you for your post---and for reminding us all that the secrets hurt for many years. I hope we have all come to the understanding that the secrets of the past should end.

[Drgnrdr451]

Give me the truth and only the truth. But I do want evidence to back it up.

[truth4us]

Hello
thank you for sharing your experience.
I am in a situation where my x husband married a woman
with a child out of wedlock. He adopted her child and trained my two children at the age of 7 an 8 to not tell the
child that he was adopted. I was not notified of his and her intention. She later had another affair and divorced him but is still demanding that my grandchildren keep her secret. Her son is now 38 and I am not willing to keep the deception going. Please let me know of any books that may be of help.
Thank you!

[Drgnrdr451]

I really don't know of any books that can help you. All I have is my experience to draw on.
He is more than old enough to learn the truth now, so he should be told NOW.
I wish I had been told before I had my daughter, this whole experience would have gone so much better for her and she would have had the chance to know both of her Daddy's Dads.

Just make sure you have any evidence to back up your claims on hand, you will need it.

[truth4us]

Thank you so much for your response, encouragement and counsel. I am doing a search on the internet regarding family secrets and hope to also receive spiritual guidance on how to proceed. Children should not be encouraged to deceive to hide an adult past mistakes.

[StarryNights™]

I am still waiting to learn of the child that existed that my birth father swears was born but birth mother denies after having put me up for adoption... This is even more in the front of my mind as today is my 43rd birthday. sigh I am sooo sick of secrets.

I swore if I ever learned that someone was adopted and that person did not know it, I would make sure they did. They deserve to know the truth. I don't care how many people think it is none of my business, I lived that nightmare for 35 years!

Janet - BTW, good to see you are still around here! :hug:

[Dickons]

Just the fact that he is 37 and does not know his health is at risk and he is fast approaching the age where heart disease presents in males...

It will not do him any good to be using his adoptive fathers family history and could even make the doctor not look for issues.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[truth4us]

Thank you so much for sharing your experiences.
I have found some books that have been helpful with the issue of secrets. They are titled as follows:
THE SECRET LIFE OF FAMILIES - Making decision about secrets: When keeping secrets can harm you, when keeping secrets can heal you- and how to know the difference by: Evan Imber-Black, Ph.D.
SECRETS IN FAMILIES AND FAMILY THERAPY By: Norton
FAMILY SECRETS By: Webster
TELLING THE TRUTH TO YOUR ADOPTED OR FOSTER CHILD By: Keefer & Schooler.
Please continue sharing your experiences because it has been helpful to know that one is not alone.

[suzie3309]

Family secrets can destroy even when your a lot older. seems like the truth is something that doesnt exist anymore.

[ljeffries6]

You are so correct. I am the wife of an adoptee who lived with bold face lies and secrecy. He has became a bold face liar, cheater, full of secrets and sucicidal ideation. While my love for him is strong, he has taxed the limits of our marriage and confused our son with his behavior. While I wonder about unknown genetic infulences I also wonder what his life might have become if he had been told age appropiate truth in a loving open fashion from the start.

[Dickons]

LJeffries,

I am sorry for the pain you are going through. From what I gather your husband found out as an adult he was adopted? I always knew and to me that is the best policy. Please try to get him to seek counseling, it will help him to have a place to safely talk about it, he probably needs to rant and rave to start to accept it. Has he ever thought of searching? Does he have a relationship still with his parents? It is so very sad to think that everything about your life was a lie. When will people learn that secrets never stay secret.

Kind regards,
Dickons