[MRussell]

Recently while doing genealogical research I found out that my father-in-law is most likely adopted and doesn't know it. The information came out when I was commenting to a distant cousin about how my father-in-law, his brother, and their father didn't look much alike. Apparently his adoptive mother wanted to tell him but never figured out how to before she died. Both his aparents are gone now. Everyone has told me to keep the secret, but it feels like deception to me. Does anyone have similar experiences?

Thanks for your help.

New to list. M.

[Dianna]

I also am interested in genealogy. I think whether you could tell or not would depend on many things including the nature of your relationship with your father-in-law. Do you have any evidence besides what the one cousin told you? I was thinking that you could put whatever evidence you had into your genealogy and then give him a copy. He could figure it out for himself and choose whether or not to acknowledge it. If he doesn't figure it out. Oh well. That way it would be a private and personal knowing where it belongs. Good Luck.

[StarryNight™]

Well my thoughts come from two view points. I was doing research and the woman at the library told me that a friend of hers had a brother who is adopted but no one told him. He would be late 40's. YIKES! Was my thought. I asked her why did she not tell him? She replied, "It was not her place." I told her about how I did not learn until a year ago last July and I just turned 37. That all of these years I had missed out on two half sisters, family reunions, birthdays, all kinds of things because it was not my neighbor's place nor my own godmother's place to tell me I was adopted. I was appalled! Not to mention mad beyond words. I cannot begin to tell you that it is your place. I guess my first thought was when I interrogated my neighbors was didn't you have any concious or guilt? They said it was a secret and even I was not to know. If you cannot personally come out and tell the person... Think about it and maybe try to get some form of proof then write a letter and give them proof. Just my opinion and wished someone would have done that with me years ago.

Does your husband know and if so what are his thoughts on it?

[HAIR127]

HI ALL AND STARRYNIGHT! I AGREE WITH STARRYNIGHT. THESE KINDS OF SECRETS ARE SOOOOOO HARMFUL. THEY ARE TOXIC! WHAT I DID WITH MY BROTHER ,SISTER AND COUSINS....I SAID"OK DOING FAMILY GENELOGY, IF I FIND SOMETHING OUT ABOUT YOU...WHO WANTS TO KNOW AND WHO DOESN'T?" MY BROTHER AND COUSIN SAID ...YES..THEY WANT TO KNOW." MY SISTER SAID NO...SHE DOESNT WANT TO KNOW. BUT THEN WHEN I DID FIND SOMETHING...SHE CHANGED HER MIND AND WANTED TO KNOW. SO....THEY HAD THE 'CHOICE'. IT WAS THEIR DECISION. I HATE FAMILY SECRETS...THEY CAN DESTROY A FAMILY! JOHN BRADSHAW WROTE A BOOK ON FAMILY SECRETS AND IT IS GREAT! GOOD LUCK JANET

[Sharon]

"I SAID"OK DOING FAMILY GENELOGY, IF I FIND SOMETHING OUT ABOUT YOU...WHO WANTS TO KNOW AND WHO DOESN'T?" ~ HAIR
I think Janet's on to something... maybe you should quiz your father-in-law beforehand, just in a light-hearted, hypothetical manner. "If I were to find out anything weird in the course of my research, like, if it turns out that one of us is, ha-ha, adopted or something... do you think I should bring that information to light, or would everyone be happier if I just kept quiet about it?"
I recently did my family's genealogy, a massive project that took me almost two years. Certain family members were unhappy that I included some MILDLY unpalatable details about the life of a great-great aunt (my g-grandfather's sister) that none of my living relatives ever even met (she died in '36)!
So, depending on how your father-in-law responds to your questioning, you might approach him privately with your information, but I would not recommend publicizing your findings in the family history without his express permission.
JMO, ~ Sharon

PS I would also make some attempt to verify this information through an independent source before you do anything with it. As yet, it's only hearsay, nothing to get people all worked up over.

[MRussell]

Thank you all for your comments. I think a plan is emerging--maybe. I like the hypothetical questioning idea, and I'm going to see what his adoptive birth certificate says. Is this where it would say that he is adopted? I'm so new to this area of research.

A bit more history:
I have only met my father-in-law once, to introduce him to his first grandchild. He was instantly a wonderful grandfather. He has only had intermittent contact with my husband throughout his life. But, the grandchild and the genealogy search has brought the family closer together. My father-in-law has been supportive of my reasearch, lending me all the family photos, letters, bibles, etc. One of my fears is that if I tell him it might compromise our new relationship, especially his relationship with his grandson.

My husband was a bit disappointed that I told him about the adoption theory. His first comment was, "I wish you didn't tell me." Then he rebounded and said that at least his father, he, and our son are "related." My mom is adamantly against telling. She's of the it's-not-your-place school.

Thanks again for the help. It gives me a better perspective.
M

[dl]

"I'm going to see what his adoptive birth certificate says. Is this where it would say that he is adopted?"

No, it will not say "adopted" on the birth certificate. Adoptees are given "amended" birth certificates that look the same as "non amended" birth certificates. My birth certificate lists my aparents as my parents. The only "clue" that it is an "amended" certificate is the "I HEREBY CERTIFY" date at the bottom. The certification date is two and a half years after my birth, and a couple weeks after the adoption was finalized. So look at the date on the bottom ~ that may give you a clue whether the certificate is "amended".

Whatever you decide to do, please be careful. You're right, it might compromise your new relationship.

Best of Luck!

[AntKnee]

I don't know how other states deal with adoptees birth certificates, but since I've lost mine a few times, I know how it works in NY. In NY you have to go to a different department to obtain your birth certificate than non-adopted people do. I have always known that I was adopted, but had no idea about this different department thing until the first time I tried to obtain a replacement birth certificate. The lady on the other line couldn't find me anywhere, even after I told her all my information. I was like, "hello, I'm right here, I'm alive". She finally asked if I was adopted, and said "oh, I'll transfer you to the right department".

[Mary RamireZ]

I have an ex sister in law that never told her 40 year old daughter that she is adopted. I found out from her grandmother and my late husband. My daughter tell me cosin told her that her birth cert looks just like my daughters and the adopted lie is a story her her uncle not the cosin's father started. I told it is not a lie and she should have looked close at the birth cert. I told her the Aunt never wanted to tell her she said the daughter had to learn on her own. My late husband said she was the one changing the adopte behind when she was a baby. The daughter did not look like her mother and might feel different one day.I am a birthmother and my birthson.s adoptive tell me he has never told his friends that he his adopted

My two cents
Mary

[leight]

that's a tough one. I would encourage my husband to sit down and talk to his father. He's blood related and so is your son; if your father in law cuts off contact because he's angered by the revelation-chances are it would dissolve once he realizes he's not angry at the messengers but his parents.

It's been my experience that each jurisdiction within each state has it's own rules for ammending bcerts-so that may not be a way to determine it's validity(ex- NYC differs from NYState-mine from the city shows that it was certified two days after my birth-when my actual birth was reported to the city).

Frankly, if enough family members are telling you to hush-it's probably true. Family trees normally have a special notation for adoption-sit your father in law down and explain that you'd like to formalize the family tree and tell him what you've learned. If he decides to search -think of the extra branches you can add!

[Drgnrdr451]

discoverer of the facts of my adoption, I have to agree with Starry & Janet.
Get all of the evidence of his adoption that you can find and then sit down with him and discuss it. The "its not my place" crowd can go to blazes and take those who want to keep the secret with them.
Plain and simple, NO ONE has the right to keep this from him.

Good luck and God Bless You!

[little_jewel]

My parents died 10 months apart when I was 19. The day after my dad died, I looked thru papers in the house simply because I was alone and thought that's what I was supposed to do. I found paperwork that showed my sister was adopted. What a master detective, I thought! Well, you know the next set of mysterious papers I found were mine: I was adopted too. No one told me. My sis knew she was, and she knew I was, but never told me either fact. I was angry - so angry - but then overwhelmingly guilty because I was mad at dead people. Everyone kept it from me, one godparent even going so far to tell me (after I found out) that I wasn't 'mature' enough to handle it, so it was kept secret.

Offer you dad-in-law the genealogy info and let him look at it. You could even ask his help/opinion on certain info that didn't make sense to you, w/out letting on you think he may be adopted. It may turn out to be something entirely different than adoption and that he was aware of. I think it will depend on how you approach him. And if you care enough about his reaction to ask opinions of others who are adopted, then I'm sure he'll see that kindness in you.

Good luck!
Sasha

[HAIR127]

HELLO SASHA.....WHAT A RUDE THING FOR YOUR GODMOTHER TO SAY! PEOPLE IT SEEMS ALWAYS TRY TO PUT THE BLAME WHERE IT DOEST BELONG! THEY WERENT MATURE ENOUGH TO TELL YOU! FINDING OUT LATE IS VERY DIFFICULT...AND THE ANGER THAT ERUPTS IS JUSTIFIED! HUGS JANET

[StarryNight™]

I agree with Hair as usual lol.. Anger issues in this case are bound to happen. Which is why my second post on the boards was My life was a lie! (Gotta luv ya Hair for being in my head again lol) I have known several people adopted who learned at the earliest of ages they were adopted and quite honestly I think they handle it better then I do. Well kiddo at least you know now. Hollar at us if we can help with that whole emotional rollercoaster thingy and search.