[dl]

"I have known several people adopted who learned at the earliest of ages they were adopted and quite honestly I think they handle it better then I do."

I believe you're absolutely right. My amother practiced telling me I was adopted before I could even understand what it meant. Apparently it eventually "sunk in" as I don't remember being "told". I've just always known, thus I never felt different or lied to. I think that is the critical difference ~ those told later or especially those that find out "by accident" feel betrayed and lied to. In my opinion, the adoption is not what causes their bad feelings and problems ~ it's the fact they were lied to. JMO

[alcrmcc]

I am looking for a brother who probably does not know that he was adopted. My mom was told that he died yet we now have proof, 49 years later, that this is not the case. I am praying that his family told him that he was adopted or we mnay never be able to put this mystery to rest. He was wanted and is thought about every day.

[johnwalker]

For the deep thinkers and yet practical...
I am a 56 year old birthfather. Un-be known to me ,I left behind a pregnant young lady when I came east in fall of 1972 . For past couple of years have off and on attempted search for child born in 1973 to Miss...Mrs
( ? ) Xxxx. Recently had a vivid dream of doing a round about search when I could have gone a direct route.That is, to the mother.
Problem is, I only knew her name as given to me in 1972 . (The address where I lived at the time , approx. time of child's birth,most likely place of child's birth, the birth mom's then socio-ecoomic status { ? } may all be secondary).What are possible ways of finding someone you new 30 years ago , and that without alienating them from you ?
Thanks for any reply.
john

[dl]

I have heard of some people having success in this type of search with Classmates.com. If she was living with her parents at the time of the child's birth, her parents could still be living in the same house or neighbors might be around that could know something.

Hopefully others will have some ideas. Best of Luck!

[Heavenly]

I think you should tell him. It is important to know the information of your b parents in case you ever fall ill. God forbid that that happens. I have a friend that has no Idea his dad isn't really his dad. But the reason I haven't told him is because she knows all of that important info that he may need in the future. It will be very devistating for him and there will be a lot of denial. He may be upset with you for a long time... But in the end I feel it will all be worth while.

Good luck on what you decide.

Heavenly

[WonderBlonde]

Coming to these forums has made me think that maybe I need to do a "Family Tree". There is one problem, I have no family. My mother was adopted at 2 days old and refuses to find family, and my dad died when I was 3 leaving me with no family there. Will a "Family Tree" help me put this family back togeather?
I have a baby brother that I am now searching for and is the reason I come to this forum. I also believe he has not been told of his adoption, if he does know he must be very angry with the whole situation due to the age he was adopted, 4.
I pray that he is not angry with us, as his siblings, because if I would have had my way all those years ago he would still be with us. I was ten when he was taken away for good and was prefectly capable of taking care of him myself, beings I was already taking care of my sisters, I don't understand my mothers motives and probably never will.
I just want David Allan Ferrell to know how much he is loved and how much he is wanted, born January 12, 1972.

[skad for life]

my sisters, and my mother's close friends with children i was friends with, knew before me. I remember playing with one of my sisters, and we started fighting, and she said "well, at least im not adopted!" but i never thought anything of it, becasue kids do that, at least thats what i think/thought.
and when i was told, my bestfriend told me recently "i knew you were, before you did..." which was odd...but there isnt i can really do about it, so i dont mind...
-Lindsay

[Sledge]

I would not say anything, listen to the rest of the family, if they are not talking I would not open up the subject. You might do more harm than good. Why risk jepordizing your relationship by bringing up history that he cannot talk to his parents about? You might think it is important he knows this but if the rest of the family is saying no, there is probably a reason. Personally at my age I would not want to find out I was adopted, I have a family history and I don't want to start wondering about what ifs'.

[feelinglost]

I think someone should tell, somehow, with a little hurt as possible. I found out 10 years after my adad passed. Not good for all involved. It's very tough, but someone has to say something, find out if maybe they kinda knew, but didn't. Keeping this secret really upset my Mom. But it still took 10 years for her to tell me. Also the worst thing for me, My dad had a huge famliy. I was one of the "babies" so all the other family members knew...everyone but me, that's hard to deal with now.
Yeah I know all about the What if's, but I still had a right to know, no one should have kept that secret for this long, it shouldn't have been a secret at all...it made something good seem wrong by keeping it a secret.

[feelinglost]

Johnnywalker,
Hi, i'm also new to this forum. I was adopted 38 years ago...so I'm coming from a different place. I think you should search, i think it's good....as an adoptee i wish i was being searched for...I'm here if you want to talk

[johnwalker]

To Feelinglost re: Try
Thank you so much for the thought. At times I
am aboyt ready to not pursue the search but then its great encouragers like yourself who often gives that really needed little boost that makes a big difference.
Sometimes I am prompted to post ,and at times afterwards I feel that I might have said too much.This is my second time becoming a member
of the posting group. Back in 1998 or 1999 I first started posting and then got very paranoid about what I would run into. Now as a new member I have a better self concept.
Looking way back to day # 1, as a young very religious not mature fellow , I had no idea that my encounter with this young lady would produce a child. Too, I never really determinded if she was who she really said she was.Told me some pretty wild stories.I now also remember that I began to secretly question if she had faked her age of being 19, her name, and the statement about her true identity.
Thinking that she might be someone else's girl I cut off contact just as I was moving on eastward out of maricopa county .
Only when a traveling partner called back to Arizona about a year later to check for possible important mail at the previous address was it known that the girl had come looking for me...with a baby boy.I was the fair skin curly hair fella whose name was not remembered. This info was withheld from me for some time.Eventually,I requested that someone from the little protestant church out there both investigate and find a good home for my son.No more contact with Arizona untl
1998 I decided to search. Only thing I know for sure is Street address and time son was conceived.I have no idea now if he was raised by birth mom, her family, or adopted and given a non-maternal name. or maybe reclaimed by a man who married the mother and had her give him up. But I am searching every avenue.
johnnywalker
Knowing

[Missy M]

Guys, as I have posted before my placed daughter Tovia is the 3rd child her parents adopted; one was recended, another son, Trent was adopted and lastly Tovia. When at age 25 Tovia discovered her a-mom had developed cervical cancer and had a hysterectomy 4 years BEFORE either of them were born SHE discovered the lie and the well kept secrets...or at least half of it anyway. Trent has doubts or is in deep denial. He has also seen the papers Tovia found, but because he has an original birth certificate, he has doubts.
Trent is actually the a-moms great-nephew. The a-mom Gina passed away last Aug; her sister Gwen and niece Rosalyn (Trents b-mom) were here the week of and after the funeral. They indicated they would never tell him.
I KNOW without a doubt that she is his mom. We were playmates the entire summer of her pregnancy. We were about 13 or 14; she actually lived in the small Tx town of College Station, about 65 miles away from Dallas where we live. She moved in with Gina in mid April, my dad assisted Gina in home-schooling her. I even have photos of us together that summer and she is VERY pregnant in them. My mom and some of her friends even gave Gina a baby shower....Rosalyn went back to College Station in Dec. without her son. The trouble is Rosalyn gave birth using Gina's name, address and insurance. There is no "ammended" birth certificate to find. They have a certificate stating Gina is his Mother and Thelmon his dad. How they got passed the age issue boggles my mind, since Gina was about 36 and Roz was 13, but they did.
Trent is not indicating he wants further knowledge of his birth, but Tovia is. Now, do I tell her what I know or do I stay silent until HE asks?? Tovia won't keep quiet, this I know. Its gonna cause a lot of family strife....but its hard to keep still; and whats gonna happen when the truth comes out and she finds out I knew all along?

[johnwalker]

Hello all,
Reading the last few posts have really got me to wonderng. I have run into some wild deep ends during the stops and starts of this search. At times I felt a little crazy.Whenever I think its a hopeless situation I'll read a post, get energy to try again .I now wonder, "Is the birth mom yet alive, single, separated, remarried and how many times would her name have changed ,possibly widening the gap ?" Was she less than 19 ? More than 19 ? Already engaged to someome else and got pregnant with my child? Did she conseal any matters ? Did she in the wildest of times forget me and deny having ever met me ? Did she care about the child knowing his biological dad but did'nt think she knew how to find me ? Did she attribute
his fatherhood to another man ? If I posted events about out meeting , the time of year and street address would someon possibly see a possible connection ? If she was on Social Services would they have a record ? Or could she have been a rich kid pretending to be poor ? Does she remember being up in the fig tree in the yard when I came home to the apartment 1010 E. Fillmore Street in Phoenix that Fall day , I think in 1972 ? Does she remember my cooking rice and beans ? I even made some bread. When my son was born did they put the correct birthdate...if he was addopted did they change the true birthdate ?
If her name was what she really told me it was then my son could be found. How many baby boys could be born in maricopa county in the year 1973 ? Was he born in a place for unwed mothers ? The birth mother gave me her last name as "Wilcox ". I wonder if that was a falsehood like many of the little tales she told me .

[johnwalker]

Re: Missy M
Hi ,
It was not real easy for me to follow all details of you last post...but if Tovia already knows all the details, that Roz is the mother of Trent, and if Trent has seen papers that show his adoptive mother's surgery ocurring at least 4 years before his birth,etc. does he truly understand our
A & P ? Or is he in safe denial ? What is the adoptive father and birth father saying ?
I guess it might have been in 1989 or maybe later that I was telling a former co-worker that I was going to find my Arizona born son.
She instructed me to not do it. Now I am so sorry I made the mistake of followig her ill advice. One thing is for sure, as a biological dad I would want my son to know.Although I was not 13, but grown and was afraid to connect for various reasons. Now that I am also matured, the truth far outweighs my then youthful reasons to not connect.
johnnywalker

[Missy M]

Originally posted by johnwalker
Re: Missy M
Hi ,
It was not real easy for me to follow all details of you last post...but if Tovia already knows all the details, that Roz is the mother of Trent, and if Trent has seen papers that show his adoptive mother's surgery ocurring at least 4 years before his birth,etc. does he truly understand our
A & P ? Or is he in safe denial ? What is the adoptive father and birth father saying ?
I guess it might have been in 1989 or maybe later that I was telling a former co-worker that I was going to find my Arizona born son.
She instructed me to not do it. Now I am so sorry I made the mistake of followig her ill advice. One thing is for sure, as a biological dad I would want my son to know.Although I was not 13, but grown and was afraid to connect for various reasons. Now that I am also matured, the truth far outweighs my then youthful reasons to not connect.
johnnywalker

JohnnyW: Tovia does not know that Roz is Trent's b-mom, only that its impossible for Gina to have been. She is insisting that since she is in reunion and now that Gina is gone he should search. His b/c indicates that Gina is his b-mom; however there is no way for this to be possible since she had surgery in 1966 and Trent wasn't born until 1970.
I spoke to Roz during Gina's services and she uttered shock that Tovia and I were reunited; I asked if she ever planned to tell Trent and she DIDN"T deny that he was her son, in fact she said no, Pandora's box was best left closed and she questioned me for "finding" Tovia..... Trent asked me around that time how I "found" Tovia and I shared our story and he asked about the internet. I told him to get a copy of his b/c and it was discovered that Gina is listed as his Mom. She even kept his baby band, the hospital bracelet given to him at birth and its says Baby Boy ******; mother Virginia *****.
Trent is in denial; he says maybe Gina had surgery AFTER he was born, but Tovia found papers that indicate otherwise. I know that its bound to come out; my fear is that Tovia will hate me when she discovers I knew. Its the secrecy that will hurt her.

oops...b-dad is unknown; a-dad is deceased.