[mamamaria2six]

This is something that is a big "no no" to talk about( with my mom).....so I guess Im just needed to "vent"...........
let me start at the beggining...

...several times when I was younger...we would be with my mom at a party/friends house.etc....and we would walk in on a "adult conversation" and I would get a hint of something...and would say "what are you alking about" and I would get an answer like..."oh nothing for you to worry about...maybe when your older we'll talk about it"..............
years later...............mom had a"old friend" over for dinner and drinks....sent us kids to bed.......(( she thought I was asleep) but I heard some crying and peeked out into theliving room...and I over heard someting about a "baby boy"..........and at that point I I realized that this was the secret that I thought I knew aobut or have over heard over the yrs..............her old friend....was the baby boys' bfather)))))

Over many yrs..I have always wondered about this baby boy that my mom had...........but to scared to actaully ask my mom....until I was an adult...(( and later confirmed from an older coussin, that indeed my mom did have a baby..and that she was 15 or so...and my very strict gparents made her give him up))
One day out of the blue--------I said mom...I know about the baby boy you had to give up...(( her mouth dropped)) and she said that this was none of my business....and that that was a long time ago... and I asked her.....don't ypu wonder what he is like...dont you want to find him>>>?? and she said...taht she does not want to talk about it...I told her mom..there are ways to look for someone now..etc.she said...leave this alone..do not bring it up again...
WOW--------! then I said...OK...if and when she ever wants to try to l;ocate him...I'll help ..

Ok...so that being said.... I think to myself...Im 37---I have a 50ish old half brother out there...
Do I just leave this alone..........do I try to get more info from my cousins...??? Is it my business??

[sspete]

I feel terrible for your mom that she has carried SO much heartache around, yet she does not know she CAN search and make sure her bson is Okay!!! For you to start a search for your bbrother you must be prepared!!! The emotions involved are TREMENDOUS!!!! The roller coaster ride to reunion can be a rough one......especially when the bmom wants NO contact or feels she cannot handle contact, for whatever the reason may be. This would be hard to explain to your bbrother. I know your desire to know him must be pretty strong, and he may very well feel the same for you!!! The decision is YOURS.......just remember it can be complicated, yet WONDERFUL!!!! I wish you and your mom the best of luck.....Maybe show her this web site???? Blessings......

S Pete

[mamamaria2six]

......I guess with the heartache she carried for so many years ,in a sense,makes sense... her bitterness towards life...her inabilty to express real feelings...besides...resentment, bitterness...etc..(( not towards her kids...)) but life in general....


.........she made it clear to me....that she wants me to leave "it alone"..........


...but that is not in my nature.............

sooo.............where should I begin...???

[Drgnrdr451]

that first but important step. You decided to search and found these forums.
There are many people who visit this forum regularly who can give some good advise. There are also many of us who can offer emotional support, cause we've been there.
Although I don't have the experience of most of my companions on these boards, if you want to e-mail me your particulars I'll see what I can do.
Good luck & good hunting.

[rahulsmom]

At the risk of offending people, for which I apologise in advance, I think you have the right to search for your brother. He is your brother as much as he is your mom's son. That said, you have to be prepared to deal with the emotions that follow a search and reunion, yours, your mums and the brother you will meet. As you mention its not in your nature to leave it alone, it wouldnt be in mine too. Though I havent had much experience in this, try the search angels. And it would help methinks if you could find the birthdate for a start. I maybe wrong, but finding your brother may be the start of your mum's journey towards finding peace and healing.

Good luck and good wishes!

[mamamaria2six]

this was an answer to the same post ( but on another website)) what do yo all feel about her opinion???

((((she said))))))

I think you should respect your mother's wishes and leave it alone. I think that you should pray for healing for your mother and pray that she might eventually come to a place where she can share with you and then you can start your search. To search without her knowledge or consent is an invasion and I doubt your mother would take that lightly. You have to weigh things. First off, your brother might not even know he is adopted so you may be turning his life upside down too. Your mother will most likely see this as a betrayal, how do you think that she will express this and are you prepared to live with the consequences? Which is more important, preserving a healthy, respectful relationship with your mom or finding a brother?

[Sharon]

I agree with Rahul'smom. I am a birthmother, and also the mother of another child who I am raising. Even if I were too sad/ hurt/ etc to search for my birthson (I'm not, of course... I've already searched for him and found him) I would still not stand in my son's way if he wished to search for and contact his older brother, especially if they were both adults. An adoptee has the right to know his biofamily and his medical history. He at least deserves the opportunity. A birthmother's right to be sad and to be left alone does not, in my mind, supercede an adoptee's right to know the truth about his origins. Regardless of the age of their children, mothers should put their childrens' best interests ahead of their own, even when it hurts. I understand that after a lifetime of repressing this event, it may be too much for your mother to face. But it is not her place to stand in the way of you finding and having a relationship with your brother. I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but since joining this forum, I have learned of the pain many adoptees experience as a result of not knowing the truth about their biological families. It's wonderful that you respect your mother and do not wish to hurt her, but I think that if you want to search, you should do so despite her wishes to the contrary. If she absolutely cannot handle it, maybe you can just leave her out of it, and carry the message to your brother yourself: she always loved you, she always thought of you, she cried over you many times, she never wanted to give you up but she was young and her parents forced her to, now she is elderly and cannot deal with reunion, but she still loves you.
Even hearing this second-hand might answer a lot of questions for your brother and give him some peace of mind.
Best wishes to you, ~ Sharon

[lisa nevius]

sounds like you have made your decision, to find him! Go for it and my prayers are with you. I too am looking for my adopted brothers birthfamily as well as my own. It may not be what your mom wants, but I feel that you do have the right to find your family. Best of luck in your journey. Lisa

[sspete]

Amen To Sharon and Lisa..... I am With Y'all on this one!!!!

You Go For It MamaMaria!!!

S Pete

[JUDY WOLVEN]

I HAVE BEEN LOOKING FOR MY B-FAMILY FOR OVER 20 YEARS. TO BE ABLE TO SEE WHO I AM. YOUR MOTHER THINKS THAT MAYBE HE WOULD HATE HER. I MY SELF LOVE MY B-MOTHER FOR THE LIFE I HAVE GOOD OR BAD. I HAVE NOT FOUND ANY OF MY B-FAMILY BUT WOULD LOVE TOO. I AM 42 YEARS OLD AND HAVE 2 BOYS OF MY OWNE AND 1 GRANDSON. I THINK THAT YOU SOULD LOOK FOR YOUR BROTHER, JUST TO MAKE HIS AND YOUR LIFE FULLER, AND HE AS I WOULD LOVE TO FINE ANY OF MY B-FAMILY. AS FOR ME I KNEW THAT I WAS GOING TO FIND MY MOTHER FOR SHE NEVER LOOK FOR ME. BUT I HOPE THAT MY SISTER LOOK FOR ME, HER BROTHER. GOOD LUCK MIKE( JOSEPH GRAY SO THEY SAID THAT WAS MY BIRTH NAME)

[Lauren28]

I am helping my boyfriend look for his birth mother or any family. He would be thrilled to find out he had a sister or any other family. He is in his late 40's and wants to find out his heritage.
Go for it! He is your 1/2 brother you have every right to know him.

[Mark Whipps]

Do you know where, year, any dates? Good luck.

[Lauren28]

He was born 1/29/55 in Cook County, Illinois. His mother we believe was Mary Maranto and very young at the time. (about 15 or16). He was adopted by a NY couple Nathan & Esther Kleiman.

[vicrose]

Dear Mama Maria...Go For It!! I found my birthmother back in May, around the date of my 37th birthday..and my birthmother totally shut me out..I mean she was sooo horrfied that I FOUND her...that she did quite a number on me emotionally...so I had to say..SAY LA VEE to her!! But, one good thing that came about was that I found out that I have siblings...and I am right now composing a letter for them...I have been working on that letter for almost 2 weeks....I thought I had found one of the brothers..but it was a mistake...but I did definitely find a sister on Classmates and I think I'm just going to e-mail her the letter...I'm sure that she will tell the birthmother..and the birthmother will probably flipppppp...but it's out of my hands....I gave the birthmother several chances to contact me.....and these children deserve the right to know...I'm not being cold....but I just can't stand idly by and hope for the what if's anymore!!!! I have waited all my life for this!!!!!Good luck in your searching venture...do you know who the birthdad is...possibly he could give you some info...if you need any help..don't hesitate to ask for it!!!! Hugs, Brenda

[dl]

Anytime we search, whether it's an adoptee searching for birth family or birth family searching for adoptee, the outcome is an unknown. It can be positive or it can be, as many have unfortunately experienced, negative.

I have been fortunate to experience a positive reception. In addition to receiving two very nice letters from my bioDad, I have received a very nice letter from my half-sister. One of the things she asked me is if I would share MY health history with her as she has had some problems. Who knows ~ siblings just may be grateful to be found. The adoption experience affects and involves more than just the bmother and while her needs and feelings should be considered, others needs and feelings matter also ~ JMO.

Lauren 28 - Do you know what agency handled your boyfriends adoption?