[eternallylaust]

My life was a story. I had always known from the beginning that I was adopted. That wasn't the problem. The problem was trying to get my a-parents to help me out. My a-mother kept making up stories about how I was adopted and how she felt about me looking for my birth parents. Then a little while ago I asked her if she would help me find them and she said "why? am I not a good enough mother?" she adamently refused. To this day she will not help me. Why? It's not like I'm looking for better parents. Heck no. But she refuses to admit that. I have to go behind her back and I know one day if or when I find them she will be very mad. Perhaps she shouldn't have told me.........
When I was pregnant with my first (and only child at the moment) my a/mom gave me some very valuable information. My medical history that was taken the second I was born. I was born on March 21 1983 at 8 lbs 20inches long. I was born head first face down with my b/mom being in hard labor for 24+ hours. My b/mom's birthday was March 13 1959 and my b/father September 10th 1949. I didn't realize till now how important this information was until now.

Shay

[MrD]

I hope this doesn't come across as insensitive, and my apologies in advance if I offend you, but it clearly seems that you A-mom is selfish and incapable or unwilling to consider your feelings. Parents adopt for many different reasons, with no guarantee that the outcome will satisfy the need that precipitated the adoption in the first place.
My A-Parents thought they couldn't have children, and so adopted. They subsequently had 3 children of their own. So too, they heavily favored their own. My A-mom once told me and my brother (also adopted) that she should have left us where she found us. Obviously, she wasn't very nurturing. Whatever her need was, adoption did not satiate her. Instead, she became bitter because with 5 children, her life was hard. We were relatively poor. She never came to peace with her life. Perhaps she wondered how life could have been with less mouths to feed.
The point is, we can't account for the baggage of others. What's troubling your A-mom more than likely has little to do with you. She should find comfort in knowing that she gave a parentless child a chance to succeed, and should be commended for that, But you really don't owe her anything. If there is a reward, then the reckoning will occur when she dies. (if your so inclined to believe such things). Don't let it discourage you. You don't need her to complete your search.

[eternallylaust]

And you're absolutly right. You did not offend me at all. I knew these things about my mother. My husband likes to tell me that she's selfish, vain, conceded and very materialistic. I fully agree with him too. But I still feel like she needs to be apart of my search. I didn't realize I had very valuable information until another adoptee who is a very good friend of mine pointed it out when I showed her my real medical background when I was born. She about flipped a lid in telling me how lucky I was. Thank you for telling me all about that. I think I feel a little more willing to go on with my search without her. Thank you.

Shay

[rahulsmom]

Shay,

This is just from an amoms perspective. I think it depends on the era in which you were adopted, it seems as though it was a while ago. At that time the school of thought suggested that it was more or less like aparents took the place of bparents, kids were not told that they were adopted, and to coin a phrase it was alright to let sleeping dogs lie. That avoided problems and complications for the aparents and the kids, or so they thought.

Now we know better, that children must be told the truth, to be told that they are adopted, and for this to be recognised, acknowledged and accepted is better on both sides. And a newer school of thought advocates open adoption, where earlier this probably would have been taboo.

Dont blame your mom too soon, she probably was from the old school of thought, and thinks she is protecting you and yes, herself too. She is probably insecure and doesnt want to "lose" you. If she really didnt care, she could have with-held your medical history. We may not have borne you in our tummies, but you are children of our hearts.

I think you need to talk to her and explain that she will always be your mom, even if you find your bio parents. A heart to heart chat may do more good than you believed possible. As parents, believe me, most of us want the best for our kids. And thats why I'm taking my baby back when he's older to meet his birthdad someday.

That said, this is just my opinion, and from what I have seen on these boards, and I apologise in advance if I have presumed to judge your situation, but I hope you can sort things out soon.

Best wishes,

Karen

[l-thompson]

Hi Shay:

Reading your post reminded me so much of my situation with my adoptive family. Searching was something I had wanted to do for a long time - intensified greatly following the birth of my first daughter. I always held off for fear of "disappointing" my parents. I felt like it would be sort of disloyal to them. When my a/father passed away suddenly I finally woke up - life is too short to put your dreams on hold. I began my search and did not mention it to my mother until a few years later, hoping she could help me. Like your mother it was not an issue she wanted to discuss. The first thing she said to me was why on earth would you want to do that? Was I not a good enough mother for you. She did not understand at all and went to her grave without understanding how I felt. Shay, I truly believe if your mother felt secure and happy with herself and her relationship with you you searching for your birthfamily would not be an issue at all. Children need uncondiotional love and support from their parents - always.
I wish you all the luck in the world - just reassure your mother that this is about you and is in no way a personal slight on her skills as a parent.
P.S - I have been reunited for 7 months with my b.mother, b/father and three siblings - happily reunited!