[Drgnrdr451]

Hi,

My name is Nelson and I just found out the Thursday before Mother's Day this year that I was adopted. In fact, I found out just a few days after my Forty-sixth birthday.

I was not told by my parents, the two wonderful people who had adopted me. They had promised my birth mother, at her insistance, that they would never tell me and they kept that promise - my father took that promise with him to his grave. I can not fault them for not telling me, they made a promise and kept it and I expected nothing less from them. However, once I found out that I had been adopted, my mother did confirm for me that I was. In her cedar chest she had stored away the diaper, safety pins and snow suit I was wearing the night they picked me up.

I have come to realize that I was one of the lucky ones, I had two very loving parents and a great time growing up.

I found out I was adopted in an E-mail from one of my birth siblings, specifically, my older sister. She thought that I knew that I was adopted and has been searching for me for the past twenty years. I value my privacy and had not left much of a trail to follow. My parents knew how to find me, but my sister didn't feel she could ask them. She was finally able to find me when I registered with Classmates.com.

I now know who my bmother is and that I am one of eight children that she had. I was the only one given up for adoption and I know why and I don't have a problem with that. The only problem I do have is not knowing who my bfather was. My bmother is the only one who knows and she refuses to have any contact with me because of some lies she and my siblings were told many years ago.

Actually, I do have another problem, my wife has not handled this revelation well at all. Its come to the point where I can't even bring up the subject without it resulting in a fight. She has even threatened to divorce me over this.

So, here I am. An adoptee, with a wife who doesn't want to accept these new facts, a bsister in Alaska who wants to get to know me, six other bsiblings and a bmother who want nothing to do with me, and some questions without answers.

Any suggestions, comments or advice would be appreciated.

[shirleyville]

Oh, Nelson! (((more warm hugs)))
I can't imagine the confusion, frustration and upheaval all of this has brought into your world. Being contacted by a birth family member can be frought with these emotions in any situation, but to have lived 46 years without any way to even remotely prepare for it, has to be incredibly difficult.
I have known all my life I was adopted, but in many respects, all of the "scenario" surrounding my adoption has been "the big family secret". I was told all my years that no one knew a thing about where I came from -- an anonymous "arrangement"...a "private" adoption that was handled by the family doctor and an attorney. It wasn't until last December that I learned my father knew my birthmom's name...and that all of the things I thought were true, where lies.
I located my birthmom in January -- living about 10 minutes from me -- and she denied contact.
I've worked thru a lot of that....and the fact that she refuses to tell my siblings of my existence -- but I, too, have an issue with the fact that she holds the key to who my father is. She is the only one who knows, supposedly, and she isn't going to come off the information. There's no way to MAKE her.....so for now, I feel I have to let it go. There is no name listed on my records for a father....and according to other members of my birthfamily, she never told a soul -- even when she was pregnant.
My husband isn't really very understanding about all of this, either. He feels I am "obsessed" with trying to figure all of this out, in my own mind. He is VERY attached and loyal when it comes to my parents, and he feels that I should be happy with what I have.....he can't understand my need to understand where I came from.....but he can't. No one can understand that, unless they have been denied it.
I just wanted you to know you are not alone, and if you ever need to talk, I am here!
Hugs,
Sally

[Drgnrdr451]

Sally, thank you very much for your response to my post.

I'm glad I found this site, everyone who has responded privately and publicly have given me support I haven't been able to find anywhere else. As a way of saying thanks to all of you I'd like to share a little story my daughter sent to me today...

At an airport, I overheard a father and his daughter in their last moments together. They had announced her plane's departure and standing near the door she said, "Daddy, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough too, Daddy."

They kissed good-bye and she left. He walked over towards the window where I was seated. Standing there I could see he wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on his privacy, but he welcomed me in by asking, "Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would be forever?"

"Yes, I have," I replied. Saying that brought back memories I had of expressing my love and appreciation for all my Dad had done for me. Recognizing that his days were limited, I took the time to tell him face to face how much he meant to me. So I knew what this man was experiencing.

"Forgive me for asking, but why is this a forever good-bye?" I asked.
"I am old and she lives much too far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is, her next trip back will be for my funeral," he said.

"When you were saying good-bye I heard you say, 'I wish you enough, may I ask what that means?"

He began to smile. "That's a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone."

He paused for a moment and looking up as if trying to remember it in detail, he smiled even more. "When we said, 'I wish you enough,' we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with enough good things to sustain them"

He continued and then, turning toward me, he shared the following as if he were reciting it from memory:

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.
I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I wish you enough "Hellos" to get you through the final "Good-bye"

He then began to sob and walked away.

My friends and loved ones, I wish you enough.

They say, "It takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but an entire lifetime to forget them"

Send this phrase to the people you'll never forget and also remember to send it to the person who sent it to you. It's a short message to let them know that you'll never forget them.

If you don't send it to anyone, it means that you're in a hurry and you need to slow down to enjoy what is around you, the people around you.

I wish you enough.

Have a great day,

Nelson

[shirleyville]

Thank you for a wonderfully clensing little cry over that!!! I truly needed it, and I will never forget that story -- EVER!
Hugs,
Sally

[Drgnrdr451]

I spent the night reading the posts in many of the threads and I have found your posts to be some of the most compassionate, open and heartfelt that I've read.

Being a newbie to adoption I don't have the experience and perspective that many of the wonderful people I've encountered on this site. Many times during the night I wished I could reach out and give a big hug to many of the people whose stories I read, yours included. Not that I have such great resources, but if I can ever be of help to you in any way, just ask.

Have a great day,

Nelson

[shirleyville]

You already have, Nelson!
(((warm hugs)))
Sally

[jacandcon]

Dear Nelson,
How my heart ached for you when you said your wife is having such a hard time with this. I am an adoptee whose husband is very supportive and so are my children. Sometimes it seems spouses feel a little jealousy or fear of what they truly can't understand. Anyone who is not adopted cannot feel the pull to know where you came from and who you are. They don't know of looking in a mirror and knowing you can only wonder if you resemble "anyone". I too had a great adoptive family, unfortunately loosing my adoptive Mother when I was 19. ( I'm forty-something now). I found out when I was 11, I can't imagine the emotional loop of finding out when you're in your forties. Give your wife time to accept all this, and remember you can always talk to one of us. even me. We're all "obsessed" with this adoption thing. Take care my friend.
Connie

[Drgnrdr451]

Connie,

Thank you for your kind words. I have found support and compassion here and I am grateful for both. I have read many threads from start to finish and I have seen the honest caring from so many for so many.

I hope everyone finds what they search for.

Have agreat day and a better tomorrow!

Nelson

[Drgnrdr451]

My sister sent me E-mail today with a picture of her father. And along side of his picture is a picture of me…there is a definite family connection. We share many traits – the same chin, same brow, same eyes, even the cheek line is the same. (See Attachment) We are both so hairy that when we go to the beach we are mistaken for Big Foot.

There has to be a way for me to confirm or deny a biological connection to this man. I know DNA tests could prove it either way, but I can’t afford those. Does anybody have any ideas? Does anybody know of any organizations that may be able to help? What do I do now?

[Drgnrdr451]

Here we go...**** too big. If anybody wants to see this picture e-mail me at nnoel@blackngold.net. I'll send ya a copy.

[Mytigereyes]

Nelson,

I am writting to you with tears rolling down my face, I will never ever forget. I am sorry to hear about your wife not being supportive, I hope within time she will understand and help you I wish you the best........

[rnnurse2be]

Nelson:
Time... give it time. Im sure your wife is feeling so uncertain of what she thought was a certain thing. She doesnt know how to deal with you and all your new thoughts, feelings, ideas, and "obsessions" lol.
She may feel out of the loop, and as if she doesnt quite know you very well.

Go slowly with her, let her know how important this is to you and maybe she will slowly come around. Maybe ask her if she would feel comfortable in helping you do research, or whatever.

As to your family delima... DNA... they can sample your sister and you to see if you had matching parents... might be less expensive.

Do some research online to see if you can get a cost reduction, or a freebee place, heck Write Oprah and tell her your story, maybe she'll do a show and do the testing for Free!

[Drgnrdr451]

Annika & Connie,

Thanks to both of you for your encouragement, it is greatly appreciated.

My sister and I are currently researching and exploring various ways to get the test we need - the sibling test - at a rate we can afford. One of the factors that we have to keep in mind is that the test has to be admissible in a court of law. That factor alone right now is making the test too expensive - almost $500 - and neither one of us is in the financial condition to go that route at this time.

We actually considered the talk show route, but even if our story was accepted I don't think I could afford to take off the time from work that would be necessary to achieve that option.

Good Luck and God Bless you all.

[Duchie]

Hi Nelson -

I'm basically in the same boat with you as to the birthfather. I found out early in my childhood that I was adopted and was reunited in 2000. My afamily has accepted this and get along pretty well with my bfamily. I found six brothers and sisters with it. I can't imagine finding out later in life. I tip my hat to you for not having any animosity. I found out after meeting my bfamily and the supposed bfather that this poor guy was listed on the birth certificate but was indeed not my biological father. We looked similar and his wife swore that I was his, but the DNA tests proved differently. Now all I have to go on is a nickname and statements that he died in Vietnam. I'm not going to push it because of things that happened in that family and I'm not sure if I really want to know. Besides, it might be something very hurtful for her and the last thing I want to do is dredge up something that could be a very dreadful experience for her.

As for your wife.... give her time. It's a hard thing to understand that you just want something that she's had all along - a biological identity to someone.

Good luck to you and I hope you get to know your bsister. Keep your chin up and smile because it increases your face value - lol (I just love that line).

Wishing you the very best and warmest wishes in your search,
Duchie

[ladybuglady]

Nelson,

I just read your post and cannot imagine how your mind was spinning when you found all this out! What a doozy of a day!

Anyway, like the others said, with time I think your wife will come around, it just needs to sink in a little.

And good luck with the testing. I can understand your situation because my mother just found out she has half sibs that she never knew existed. We found some letter that had the bfathers handwriting on it and the sib acknowledged that it was his father's handwriting. He had been a sceptic up until then that he had another sister. It was quite a roller coaster!

We wish you blessings in your search and comfort in your home!

LBL