[Bassette]

I am hoping that some of you have had similar experiences and can tell me what happened.

Last night my husband told me he wanted to wait on the adoption. I then proceeded to cry on and off all through the night. I feel like I have just had a miscarriage and am devastated!

I think he is scared of the process of adoption and scared to become a father. I, on the otherhand have a 15-year-old daughter, but this would be his first child. The more excited I, family and friends became over the adoption, he began to talk less and less about it even with me. He even began to withdraw from our relationship in that he wouldn't talk to me and fought about petty immature things. With this behaviour I knew he was scared and struggling and he even told me several times that he was afraid to get excited until we actually had the baby because his heart couldn't handle complications along the way. He told me the reason was that we needed to work on our relationship and that he was afraid this was going to tear us apart, which I believe is not necessarily the deep issue, rather it is his fears of the process and fear of being a father. This man has always been crazy about me and jumps hoops to make me happy, although I don't take advantage of it and I know that when we started this he was ready and we were in this together. He even sidetracked us at one point looking into surrogacy as he entertained thoughts of having our own child.

Can anyone relate please? I'm so heartbroken and depressed! This whole Hague issue may be what pushed him to halt everything. I told him all the "hype" about it the day before he told me this and his reaction was extremely negative.

[becky]

While this has not happened to me personally, I can only imagine what I would do if I were in your shoes.

I think I would take a step back and re-focus on my marriage for a little while. The process of adoption can be so consuming...taking every minute of your time and energy. If this is the case, then your husband may be feeling left out...alone...abandoned. If that's the case, he may be imagining that it will only get worse once a baby is in the picture.

I know it's hard to let go of the dream...even for a little bit...but if you can put it on hold for a few weeks, and really focus on your relationship, then maybe your husband will come around and realize that having a child may only make things even better than they already are.

Good Luck and I hope things work out for you both.

Becky

[felmel]

It is possible that your husband is feeling like he will be in competition with you and the baby. With all the talk about the baby going on, he may be feeling left out. My husband felt that way when we had our first child, he felt like he had been relegated to second place. As the excitement of the new baby wore off, things equalized out.

[DonnaLynn]

Been there done that..

My husband said yes and all was okay for a bit. Then he got quiet
and withdrawn..I could tell he was questioning his yes.
And then he said no... He couldnt ....

And I cried and cried.. I seem to shrink.. It was like you said a miscarriage. He watched me be sad, thinking I was becoming depressed. Not so I was sad and grieving but not depressed.

Some time(only weeks) of seeing how important VITAL this was for me.. He started asking questions. and Listening...

And then he said yes again.. It took me weeks to trust it.

Just this past Sunday at church I was holding a friends baby and my husband was talking to her daddy about us adopting.

Let him read this post. Maybe?

I told my husband that I would be sad over this for the rest of my life... I didnt mean everyday or all the time.. But I think he thought I did.


wishing you the best

[Bassette]

Thanks for the replies. At this point, like you donna, I am afraid to go through it again and don't know if I can trust my husband to commit. He said he was in it 100% the first time, and the pain that this has caused is something I will NEVER get over. I can't imagine going through this unbearable pain again. I can't function and just cry all the time like I am in mourning for my lost child.

Have you and your husband started the process with his new attitude toward the adoption? I hope it all works out for you, sounds like you guys are on the right track!

[jen g]

Hi -- I recommend that you and your husband find a good counselor and talk about all that this topic brings up for both of you. A third party who is trained to delve into the roots of what both of you as individuals are feeling could help you both to understand each other. Do you know any therapists? Have any of your friends mentioned going to a counselor? Even committing to go together for a few months, just to get at the heart of what each of you is feeling could help a lot. A few years ago, my husband and I were going around and around about a topic (it wasn't adoption) and I did what I always swore I would do if we were at a place where we weren't able to get through a problem together: I called a therapist. We went about once a week for 5-6 months. Our insurance didn't cover it and it was about $150 a week, but it was well worth the expense. We heard each other in new ways, were able to understand each other better (this after more than a decade of marriage), and we both saw the commitment to each other that we had. I highly recommend seeing someone in this heart-breaking time. Best to you and I wish you peace and comfort.
With best regards,
Jen G

[kfin66]

In many ways I think I can understand how you feel. My husband and I have been married for 10 years, but because of my medical history we are unable to have our own children. He has two teenagers from a previous marriage. I had just convinced myself that because I couldn't have children, I didn't want them. Then the whole biological clock thing took over, and I started researching international adoption. He says he is all for it, but I am still sometimes concerned. I worry that he feels that stage of his life (raising babies) was over and was ready to move on. He admits that I want the adoption more that he does, but he continues to support me. I'm not even sure if he knows what the whole Hague Treaty issue is about. Anyway, I'm babbling, but I understand...

[Bassette]

Kfin, have you started adoption and is your husband supportive of this? My husband was sooooo eager, then he just dropped the bomb last night. We have many nthings going on in our lives which may be overwhelming him and could have factored in. We were robbed in January, someone broke in and left quite a bit of damage to the home in addition to robbing all computer, electronic and digital equipment. Our home is under construction (being remodeled) and he is working 12-18n hours per day. Then there is the money, the money, the money. Oh yeah, and a court date for a lawsuit against the person who broke in who ended up being my former step child from a previous marriage.

I am telling you of the extenuating circumstances that probably add fuel to this fire, so that you will not think your husband will do the same thing. I hope it all works out for you and I hope that you will let me know of your progress along the way.

[kfin66]

We are waiting for a referral at this point. He (my husband) just doesn't seem too interested at this point. Maybe he is just protecting himself from disappointment if it takes a long time. I don't know. I just worry sometimes about his enthusiasm and if it is a reflection. We are remodeling our house also, so he is very busy, and he just took a new job, so... I have had to handle everything as far as paperwork. He did go for the INS fingerprinting, tho! LOL.
You guys have SO much going on in your lives right now! It probably is just really overwhelming for him. The adoption maybe a way for you to deal with all this other stuff--kind of a distraction (for lack of better terms.) For him maybe its just too much. Anytime you need to talk you can email me!
Kerry

[Bassette]

Kfin, lucky you! I'm sure that once you bring the baby home your husband will be beyond enthused and make a wonderful father. Every man I ever knew who was a reluctant father, or that didn't want children altogether made the best dads and poured themselves into the child once they were born.

I have known several men who were like this (reluctant/didn't want) and the results were all the same,...loving doting fathers!

One thing I will have soon to distract my pain(s) is my involvement in raising Ragdolls, a rare breed of cat. I am an avid animal lover and the thought of any kind of baby in the house is heart warming!

Thanks for sharing your story Kfin, it has been comforting to compare notes, and adds a note of hope to my life!

[DeeDee C.]

I know you must be crushed, but I would caution you not to push him into anything he's not ready for, no matter how badly you want it. What if he reluctantly agreed and harbored resentment that grew and ultimately ended your marriage?! How devasting that would be for you and the child!

Your husband sounds wonderful and I am someone who knows there are an abundance of frogs out there and few princes! Pray about the situation, see a counselor, as someone mentioned, and keep talking (not pushing).

I can imagine your pain and it must be all you can think about, but don't give up hope! Even if it doesn't work out for you to adopt, which I truly hope it does (!), you have a wonderful husband, something many will only dream of being blessed with!