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  #1  
Old 03-14-2012, 06:52 PM
Jmom72 Jmom72 is offline
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How to handle classmate who is using bad language and derogatory terms>

Hi to the List,

I hope everyone is doing ok.
My daughter is in Kindergarten this year. As she is a tomboy she prefers to play with the boys versus the girls. I think things may be different with the boys.
My daughter has spent a lot of the year with one boy in particular. We have gotten together before but the mom doesn't seem too friendly. Once in the autumn we were talking at a mutual classmate's birthday party. She felt that some of the moms were rude and she used expletives in describing them to me. I was surprised.
Anyway, the kids still socialize in school (but not out of school anymore). Earlier when I was giving my daughter a bath she was telling me that the boy was using the expression "Luke the gook." I told her I never, ever want to hear her call anyone that word ever. There is a boy in the class who is half Chinese and half Jewish. I don't know if this is how this is coming up but this kid is using this language.
There is another kid in the class who I believe is smaller in statute and sometimes gets into trouble. This same boy has called this boy names to my daugther behind this kid's back. He has used terms such as "F'ing A'hole". You get the point.
My daughter is my first and only child. I never had a situation like this. Do I go in and talk to the teacher and key her in to what is going on(I dont know if she is aware of this stuff). Do I talk to the mother? Do I just watch and wait and see if the behavior continues and then decide what to do about it?
Thanks in advance,
Amy K, NJ
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  #2  
Old 03-14-2012, 08:15 PM
dac_cincy dac_cincy is offline
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I would concentrate on your daughter- conintue to explain to her what is right and wrong, what is acceptable behavior for your house. Give her the tools to see this behavior for what it is.

My son recently told me about 'chinese eyes' and I had to correct him, explaining why it was wrong.

I am not dismissing what the other child has done or said, but it is hard to know everything. If you had an opportunity to speak to the teacher causally about some statements your daughter has repeated, that might be the way to start. That way it is not just about the statements.

There is a good chance the other child is telling more kids beside your daughter.
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  #3  
Old 03-14-2012, 08:29 PM
Jmom72 Jmom72 is offline
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Thanks

Dear Deb,

Thanks very much for the feedback. In a way I think the teacher should know but I this is the first Ive heard of all of this and i dont know in what context it happened. I will continue to talk to my daughter but hold off talking to the teacher. If it continues regularly then I feel I'll have to go in.
I appreciate it,
Amy K, NJ
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  #4  
Old 03-15-2012, 11:48 AM
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Slatond10 Slatond10 is offline
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Similar incident here. My DD is 7, 1st grade. While this didn't happen @ school it happen @ her aftercare. My DD came home saying that a child said she didn't believe in God and was an atheist. Then the child was giving DD a hard time about not having a father and telling her that her real mother didn't love her.

I did do like DaCincy recommended and talked w/ my DD. She wanted to know what "atheist" meant so we talked about it and then about church, christianity and prayers. DD loves church and prayers everyday and answers to her prayers often.
Then we talked about her birthfamily and her birth mother, our relationships etc... So I tried to help her see how this girl @ aftercare didn't know our situation and that her bfamily loved her and so did I.

BUT I did casually talk w/ the after care director about the situation. The after care director was aware there was some issues w/ this little girl. She was actually in time out that afternoon when we talked for punching the director's child in the face. She was heavily involved in this childs behavior issues/ verbal comments. She had addressed with childs mother etc. She also told me actions that were being taken.

It did make me feel better to know my child wasn't singled out by little girl and that actions were being taken to correct behavior.

I might be wrong but I also think my DD appreciated me taking her comments seriously and getting involved. We were having lots of "issues ourselves" @ the time w/ death in family, behavior issues @ school, adoption grief...etc. That little girl compounded our issues w/ her words.

Good luck w/ ur decisions... Personally I would talk w/ the teachers. Maybe even find a book that address name calling and offer to read to class or something. DD had issue w/ "Personal Space" and I found a book in K and sent to her school. Teacher loved it.
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  #5  
Old 03-15-2012, 02:07 PM
alys1 alys1 is offline
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If I were the teacher I'd want to know. My friend teaches at a private school, and their staff participate in a program (internal emails to teachers) where they are asked to identify children who might be the bully, and those more likely to be victimized by bullies. Then the full list, compiled by *all* staff, including librarians, lunch ladies, custodial staff, is shared with all staff. Then staff are required to try to help both types of children: to make sure the bullies don't act out, and that the potential victims are kept safe. (Because bullying does hurt the person who does it.)

Teachers can't be everywhere and always. If there was a child in my class speaking like this, I'd want to know. I'll bet the teacher and administrators at the school would like to know.
For the child's sake, if the parent isn't going to curb the behavior, the child will benefit if the school will explain to them that this isn't OK, and work to curb the behavior.

The child may be saying mean things to more people than your daughter, perhaps to the actual children involved. And may also be doing mean things. Of course you talk to your daughter, too, that's a life-long process.
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  #6  
Old 03-15-2012, 06:28 PM
Jmom72 Jmom72 is offline
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HI to the Group,

Thank you all for your feedback. I really appreciate it. My daughter told me that the boy used the same bad language again today in class. Ironically when I dropped off my daughter today I saw another parent talking to the teacher privately. I got together with this parent the other day and she said she had a lot to tell the teacher. I am wondering if possibly her son came back hearing things from this child as well. I probably will go up and let them know what is going on.
Thanks again,
Amy K, NJ
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  #7  
Old 03-16-2012, 03:28 AM
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shelbydog shelbydog is offline
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I would absolutely let the teacher know so she can keep an ear on it. Definitely speak to your daughter and I'd be working on setting up other playdates with other children separately and trying to transition your daughter away from him. In kindergarten, she is not of the age to "logically" choose her friends or know what's right/wrong all the time. I am also perfectly fine with avoiding or not befriending PARENTS that I do not chime with especially if it has to do with our views on raising kids...I recall one Mom who was entirely too strict for my taste. Didn't want my son playing cops and robbers (robbers are BAD BAD people)....playdates were like prison - and "oh we don't do this...oh we don't allow that", "no foam swords in this house!". geesh. I hated hanging with the Mom and kid! So it became no longer enough that "johnny wanted a playdate with michael..." Nope - Mom has to approve and if I am going to be sitting there with the other Mom, it better be enjoyable and a win-win for all, LOL. Seriously!

You will find as your kindergartner gets older you will become WAY more selective and become quite the gatekeeper!
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  #8  
Old 03-16-2012, 07:55 AM
Jmom72 Jmom72 is offline
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Thanks

Thanks so much for your input Shelbydog. The consensus is I talk to the teacher so I will talk to her after school today. Thanks again.
Amy K, NJ
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  #9  
Old 03-16-2012, 12:52 PM
Jmom72 Jmom72 is offline
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Thanks to those who responded to my letter. I went in after school and spoke with my daughter's teachers privately. They had no idea what was going on. I was surprised that they didn't even know the meaning of the derogatory term the boy was using. IN the end they encouraged my daughter to come and speak to them if any awful words are said in class, even in private.
Thanks Again,
Amy K, NJ
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  #10  
Old 03-19-2012, 12:24 PM
JustBarbara JustBarbara is offline
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Great, I'm really glad you spoke with her teacher. DS is also in Kindy and I have no issue emailing his teacher because I realize they cannot be everywhere, they cannot see or hear everything. I am careful to use language "I was not there but this is what he told me". Last week at pick up the boys were practicing karate kicks - allowed as long as no contact is made. One kid kicked me in the behind I quickly turned around and reminded him no physical contact. I then turned around to get DS ready and the kid kicked me again I asked him if had anything to say and he just shrugged his shoulders. I said, Okay, X let's go talk to your Mom. In front of her I asked if he had anything he wanted to tell her. Again, shrugged the shoulders. I told her what happened, she began to apologize and I stopped her saying no, you did not kick me. I then got the sing-song voiced Soooreeee which means not sorry. We've had other issues with this kid including behaviour and teasing other kids about how many toys he has etc. and using inappropriate language. Friday during recess he threw a stick at DS, hit him just above his right eye. DS told me Saturday am and I could see a little mark. When it comes to the eyes/face I'm a take no prisoner Mama. I sent his teacher a gentle but here is what happened and I realize you can't see or hear everything email but he is starting to bully not only DS but other boys as well. In the past the teacher has welcomed my emails because they are not in an accusatory tone but more like how can we get it so it doesn't happen again. We no longer have playdates with this boy. He told another friend that while he was on vaca he was not to have any playdates. Really? We had two with the kid and both families are on the same page re: behaviour, being courteous and yes, boys being boys. So yes, friendships change and I agree if I'm not enjoying the playdate i.e. chatting with the other parent then they can just play together during recess. We don't have to be BFF but I don't want to listen to swearing etc. not that I have never uttered any profanity but usually not in public or where a kid could hear.
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  #11  
Old 03-19-2012, 06:52 PM
Jmom72 Jmom72 is offline
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Thanks for writing JustBarbara. I am the parent of an only child so I have never been through all this stuff before. I am surprised at the potential for bad behavior in kids as young as being in kindergarten but I guess anything is possible!
I ended up speaking in person to the teachers. I think at first they thought I was accusing them of letting this kid speak. But like you did, I told them in the meeting that I wasn't there to blame them for anything, I was simply trying to make them aware of the situation because they cannot be everywhere at all times!
I think you are right about speaking up and encouraging your child to seek out other friends. I told my child to start looking for other kids at school but so far she isn't fully doing that. I am going to have to get down harder on her for that.
I"m glad your son wasn't seriously hurt by this other kid.
Thanks,
Amy K, NJ
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  #12  
Old 03-21-2012, 09:28 AM
SKL SKL is offline
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My kids bring home many disturbing things that they hear in KG. Thankfully it usually isn't mean stuff toward a particular child, but I do find myself lecturing kids on language quite often. Lately the word "fat" is apparently hilarious. I just hope that my kids give some weight to what I say when I'm not there to watch.
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  #13  
Old 03-22-2012, 09:05 PM
Jmom72 Jmom72 is offline
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yes

I hear you SKL. I have a feeling I'll be lecturing my child a lot in the future about others and their behaviors as well.
Amy K, NJ
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