[Slatond10]

There was a book recommended on here a while back about helping your child deal with death. I tried archives and didn't locate. Can someone recommend it again? Was this one specifically for adopted children?

My Gma (DD's Great Gma) passed away in November. DD went to the visitation / funeral and grave side. While we were all grieving she seemed to handle well. She did have some questions which were answered age appropriately ( or w/ as much knowledge as I possess on subject -- kids can really get you w/ some off the wall questions) It has generated a little anxiety about losing me and some attachment concerns. But we seemed to moving forward relatively well..... Drum roll... until last night.

She gets 1 TV show / night on school night and last night she watched ICarly (re-run). It was the episode where Carly's Gdad wants her to move to Yakima cause he questions Spencers maturity. The show triggered her feelings of loss for Gma / fear of losing me / then confusion over why adoption plan was made for just her from Bmom / pain from loss of Bmom and Bsiblings/ confusion over no father .... etc. Logical progression of questions but it all just tumbled out and she wept uncontrollable for more than an hour.

I held her during her tears and questions. Answered all as honestly as I can and let her sleep in my bed last night while we held hands. She awoke back to her happy go lucky self this AM.

While I do read trying to be prepared for something like this, these rare episodes still seem to catch me off guard and leaving me feeling so inadequate. It is so hard to sit and watch your child experience so much pain and there is really nothing I can do to change, fix , repair or make it better. All I can do is hold her and love her through it. While I answer her questions as honestly as I know how... my answers are totally inadequate sometimes cause I really don't know the answers either... and I explain that to.

Examples of questions: ( w/ paraphrased short responses)
(1) When will you die? I always tell her that no-one knows when they will die. But that Nana and Papa are in their 70's and still with us. I hope to be around as long as my parents so I should still have lots of years to live. But God makes the decision of when he calls us home to heaven.
(2) Why did Bmom give me away ( her words not mine). I always rephrase that her bmom made an adoption plan for her because she loved her and wanted her to have more than she could offer at that time in her life. And I am so happy she did cause then we get to be a family.
(3) Why do I not have a father? I assure her she did have a birth father. He didn't stay w/ her bmom and bmom hasn't shared any information about him. I am a single Mom and not married for her to have a afather. But she has Papa, Uncle's, etc that love her very much.

There are bunch more...But thanks for reading and letting me vent here. Only AP's understand. Guess I just needed a ((Cyberhug)) from someone that could relate and "get this!"

[sksnell]

Sending you lots of {{cyberhugs}}!!!

K (DD - 6 1/2) has been repeating over and over in the past few days that 'my birthmom was poor and couldn't take care of us' too. Up until the past few months, she and DS (5) had been told their adoption stories over and over, and seen pictures of Guatamala and the people involved in their care in Guatemala, but it's just recently sunk in that they're 'adopted'.

She comes up at least once a day and hugs me and tells me that 'she always wanted a family like us'. We don't have any info on the birth families, so the sense of loss hasn't hit.... yet. But I'm dreading that day!

[MadiMom]

Wanted to give you a hug. I'm in the same situation. Grandpa died in April and I also am a single mom. Hang in there.

[Slatond10]

thanks girls for the cyber hug...

[SKL]

Hugs to you! I am in a similar boat as a single mom to my five-year-olds. They realized with some shock, about 6 months ago, that I was going to die someday. At first they tried to talk me out of it, LOL, but eventually they let it go, other than to periodically remind me to take care of my health.

My younger DD did have a very uncharacteristic meltdown on her 5th birthday this past week. I have heard that birthdays around this age become very emotional as they realize something seems to be missing, but have no idea how to fix this. I can't remember all the comments, but they started with calm musings like "I don't remember when I was born," and "I didn't know English when I came to you," and ended up with her crying hysterically that she doesn't want a birthday. Poor thing.

[Slatond10]

Hugs back SKL...

This AM when we were finishing/checking DD's homework b4 school and one of her wall words was "father." She made the sentence with word "I have a father." at aftercare when doing her homework. I am single Mom...so I think she was already primed for a meltdown and the TV show was just the trigger.

While this isn't easy to witness and breaks our hearts to see them grieve. I guess we also have to be thankful that they feel comfortable enough to ask the questions and melt-down w/ us. I guess I'd rather have her on me for 1 hour and then be happy go lucky the next day than bottle up her emotions.

We visited Guatemala in 2010 and met her bfamily. She also asked last night if we could spend the summer in Guatemala. I sure wish we could but can't swing it $$ wise this year. Got something to work toward for 2013 though.

[JustBarbara]

Single Mom here also - with a 5 year old DS. My Dad is quite elderly and last time we visited him it was in an assisted living facility. He asked me if Grandpa was going to die. And then asked if I was going to die. Ah the questions but all you can do is truthfully answer in an age-appropriate way and love and hug our dear ones. For us visiting bfamily is not an option - visit to bmom might possibly be but it would be a long stretch. DS really wants to visit his ffamily though and I hope to make that dream come true in a couple of years when $$ are more plentiful.

[vjk1]

I am also a single mother. In the past year both of my Mom's remaining sisters died. My DD knew both of them. After the first one died, she had a lot of questions about death and some anxiety about me dying. One of the questions she asked was why she died. I answered truthfully, but maybe not wisely, that she was old and sick and she just died. The questions went on for about a month.

When the second one died, it was a surprise to everyone. She appeared to be the healthiest. Again my DD asked why and I said that she got sick very suddenly and died. This time there was not as much anxiety about me, but she put the pieces together and deducted that Grandma may die.

Now she will randomly make the statement that "Grandma is going to die soon, because she is old." My mother is 86 and her health is failing. I am not sure if my DD wants me to deny it, but I can't because anything can happen. I do tell her not to say that to Grandma because that would hurt her feelings.

So I too am flailing around attempting to find the best answers to her questions and be reassuring in a truthful way.

[drasusi]

We explained a great-grandmother's death at 96 with "she was very old, and her body got very tired". The other day, I had trouble kneeling in a certain position because of a problem (from a soccer injury) in my meniscus. DS asked why I couldn't sit like him, and I said, "I must be getting old." Triggered total meltdown (in DS, not me!) with fear that I may die soon. Have to remind myself to remain young!

[socialkat78]

Ok, not specific for adopted kids, but I really like it b/c it is very interactive. It is called When Someone Special Dies. The child can add pictures or draw pictures, write about their loved one, etc.

[Jmom72]

Hi,

First of all let me say that I am sorry for your family's loss. It's always hard to lose someone you love, even when they live to a ripe old age.
There was a good children's book about death (of older relatives). I used to recommend it back inmy library days. It was called Nana Upstairs and Nana Downstairs by Tomie DePaola. It is a picture book that deals with the loss of family.
There are also good books that deal with adoption. It may also be good to look for an adoption support group in your area. As kids get older and start to think more concretely they may want to know why their original parent couldn't parent them. As they get older, they may have a hard time understanding why they were placed. I'm sure talking to others may help. I used to attend more adoption workshops in years past(Im now back in grad school and my lack of free time put the kibosh on my free time for meetings). I found that local and state adoption workshops had experienced professionals who dealt with all topics related to adoption.
Lastly, although I am not a help, I know specifically of three families where single women wanted to become moms and adopted on their own. The families are out there I think you just have to look for them. My one friend is a single adoptive mom and her child also asks why there is no father. I guess this is common.
If you need any referrals to adoption support groups I can try to look for you online. Just send me a PM. Again my condolences to you on your grandmother.
Amy K, NJ

[Dogstar]

Our 4 YO's lost their grandmother in September after she was ill less than 1 year. We read Nana Upstairs and Nana Downstairs, as well as a couple other books. For about 2 months afterwards, we had some meltdowns and we'd hear "I want Grandma" but as time has progressed, they know Grandma is not physically here, but we talk about Grandma often and in such terms as Grandma is everywhere. We keep a special picture on our refrigerator and also look at all the pictures on our computer. Our children don't understand death per say, but we've found speaking openly and honestly in an age appropriate manner has worked out the best. Good Luck, things will work out in time.