[JustBarbara]

Went to pick up DS yesterday from daycare and the teacher says "I have two incident reports for you" - my first reaction was ooops what did darling do? But no, the first was that he fell and hit the back of his head in the morning but they put on ice pack, gave him some water and he was fine. But an hour later they had lunch and all went down for a nap - what if he had had concussion??? but he didn't. The second - and more troubling - was that another kid had bitten him on the shoulder. Happened about 15 minutes before pick up - DS is 3 1/2 and the perp just turned 3. Anyway, the teacher tells me she had a parent-teacher conf so another teaching was watching the kids in the gym. They said there was no mark but when we get home I see the area is red and warm - and you can clearly see the bite marks but no broken skin thank goodness. He is fine now, we made it all better with some corn bread (one of his favorite snacks). But I'm surprised they misled me about there not being a mark and even more surprised they told me who the perp was. The kid apparently has been pushing the other kids around because he does not speak English - only Russian (many of the families and teachers are Russian or Russian-descent but all teachers speak English). I did tell his regular teacher this morning that yes, it was quite a visible mark and I look forward to getting a copy of the report. Your thoughts?

[SKL]

Having recently started the daycare journey myself, I feel your pain. In a single day (yesterday), I got a report about an "attempted" violent retaliation by my normally peaceful child, a note saying my other (admittedly stubborn) tot is refusing to practice for the Christmas presentation, and orders to wash my kids' nap bedding in hot water and check their hair for lice. I have already stopped asking about the little marks they occasionally come home with.

Sometimes it does surprise me what gets by these teachers, but then I have to admit that if I were trying to watch a dozen tots at all times, I'd probably miss a few things.

I'm glad your little one is OK. I hope the incident doesn't get repeated, but just in case, you might want to talk to your son about what he should do if someone is bothering him or trying to hurt him in the future. Maybe try some role playing to practice it. And try to encourage him to talk about what happened at school every day, so that eventually he'll be able to inform you of things the teachers might miss.

I do think it's illegal in at least some places to tell the name of the child who has hurt another. I assume it's a matter of state law, so your state may allow it. Or, possibly the person who told you didn't know the law. I think it's sad no matter whether your child is the aggressor or the victim, so I can understand why they wouldn't want parents ganging up on a frustrated child. But one would hope that they would try to watch that child a little more closely to better protect the others. (And maybe they are doing that.)

[mama8]

My initial reaction is when you have kids in daycare, issues like this are going to happen. I have my kids at home with a nanny and things like this happen! They happen while I am watching them! I have found that daycare centers tend to watch kids pretty carefully and they also seem to error on the side of caution - if they thought for one minute your son had a concussion they would have called you - they don't want to risk it!

As for the biting - I think this is just part of being a kid. My daughter was bit on the school bus while she was buckled in a car seat and there is an aid on the bus. She was also 3.5 at the time and she was quick to tell me who it was and the school also said who it was - I am not sure they can keep this info private once kids get to this age - if they don't tell your child will! Bites happen so quickly and even with the most careful supervision it happens. I know our school and the bus watched the little boy who bit my daughter much more carefully after this happened and they split them up just to be safe. I also don't think they would deliberatly try to mislead you - of course you would see the bite mark when you got home. Maybe they truly did not see it or it was not there to the degree it was later on. I think bites bother parents more than they bother the kids! My son bit a counselor at camp last summer and the parents of the counselor demanded his medical records because he broke the skin. This could have been a really messy situation but we gladly complied with releasing all information to put their mind at ease - there is no good side of a bite to be on!

I would concentrate on whether or not your son is happy and feels good about going to this daycare and know that things are going to happen.

Good luck to you - I think as a parent, daycare is one of the hardest issues to deal with!

Donna

[Slatond10]

I picked my DD up from school and had to sign an incident report where she had been bitten... like urs they said no visible mark. But when we got home and I checked her arm it was VERY VERY visible. She had a BIG BRUISE for over a week! I did point it out to teacher the next day so she could see the mark but they didn't realize she was bitten that high on her arm. Same tot scratched her face so bad that she had a scar for 2 years. ( it is actually still there if she runs a fever it turns red but not noticable otherwise)
(Prior to this daycare my DD was kicked out of one @ 2 and she was the biter and I was signing the incident reports of her activity :-( ... It is horrible being on either side of the "biting" situation)

So I think u handled appropriately to advise teacher of the mark.


On the positive side, DD has been in same class w/ the tot for the past 3 years and he has matured and is quite the young mature man now @ 5. BTW so is my DD ... she never bit once she moved daycares.

[MamaS]

In defense of teachers, bite marks are like bruises -- they tend to become visible later, after the blood clots under the skin. So if a teacher examined the area immediately after the incident, there would likely be only a little redness or tooth imprints.

[joepegcamp]

I'm about as neurotic as they come, so the head injury thing would have me freaked. Then again, I freak. It's what I do.

The biting, not so much. My son is in preschool four days a week and the biting and hitting happens.

My kid was bitten one day. The teachers left a detailed report. There was a mark, but it was gone a few days later. I wasn't worried.

The next week, the same kid bit my son and my son hauled off and whacked him. Not hard, but enough so that the biter was stunned. The teachers said that they were shocked that my normal peaceful child slapped a child back. Both sets of parents were notified. We talked to the biter's parents. (I'm sure they call us the "hitter's parents.")

The boys are now "friends" -- well, as much as three year olds can be friends. The biting has stopped -- the biter hasn't bitten anyone since. And my kid hasn't slapped the fire out of anyone either. So all is good.

It's so hard to get used to dealing with the daycare/preschool issues. Talk about hard!

[joanr]

I understand your concern. I want to apologize for that parent of the biter. I feel better now.

I unfortunately have one of those bitters. I can not tell you how many times I have been suspended from Lifetime Fitness because he bit another child. He is 21/2 and when he wants a toy that another child has he will bite. We have been working extremely hard on this with our boy. He will even bite his older brother. When he bites at home he gets vinegar and a timeout.

Please note some kids do bite and their parents feel horrible. As a parent of a biter I am horrified when it happens. I feel terrible for the kiddos he has bit.

The funny part to this is my older son was the one who was always bit or barreled over by other kids. Now my youngest is the bully. It has been hard for us to find a method to help him understand it is not ok to bite, pull hair or pinch. This behavior took us by surprise.

-Joan

[joepegcamp]

Joan,

I want to say that when my kid was bitten, I didn't blame the parents or curse them under my breath. They're kids. They're little. They're communication skills are lacking at times. When we talked with with the "biting" parents (remember, we were the "hitting parents"), the parents apologized, we apologized. We both said that we would talk to our children. We both did. Our kids are now friends.

Now, if the kid was nine and was going around biting other people, I'd probably make a bigger case out of it. However, they were 2! Two! Who knows why two-year-olds do what they do. They're two!

[tooskis]

You should be informed immediately of any incidents. A courtesy call is all it takes so you can make a decision about what you want to do for your son.

As far as biting, it happens. Our son has been bitten a handful of times. He has also unfortunately bitten other kids a couple of times. Once a kid is bit, he knows how bad it feels and he may himself decide to use it on someone. It doesn't mean he has bad parents. As much as we may be concerned about the behavior, biting is almost a rite of passage in the toddler world.

[becky]

I am going to have to agree with Donna...this is all very normal preschool/daycare stuff!!

I have been a preschool director for 5 years...I have a GREAT staff. But kids fall, they bump their heads all the time, they get scrapes and bruises and bites. It's all part of being in a group with 11 other little kids.

I think the teachers handled it fine with the exception of telling you 'who' did it. We would never allow that. Of course your kids are going to tell you, but a staff member should never talk about another child to any parent.

I am sorry your little one had such a rough day...hopefully tomorrow will be much better!

[melissa41]

I want to say as a child who has biten, the parents feel HORRIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have a ton of sympathy for all parents of biters.

My ds who turns 3 on Friday started a preschool program a few morning a week in September. Two teachers to 10 children in a young 3's program. He had never bit anyone but the third week of school, a boy bit him and he bit him back. I was upset that ds bit (not as concerned about him being bit) but it doesn't surprsie me he retaliated. The teacher said unfortunately kids learn good and bad stuff at school and that is so true. About 2 weeks later, my ds bit a girl on the playground. I was SICK! I felt like the parents would depise me and my child. I read all sorts of "advice" on what to do and there are a million suggestions out there. The very next day, another boy bit him and it was a doosy...skin cut, scabbed over, a small white spot left still. But I have to say my first reaction was "Thank God he was the victim and not the biter." That might sound horrible but it was what I felt initially. Of course I was concerned about the mark and watched it and tried to use it as a learning tool. When ds said, "....bit me". I said "did it hurt?" He said "yes" and I reminded him how he bit XXX and it hurt her as well. From chatting with a few of the moms in the class, it is a normal childhood behavior unfortunately. I would like to think I have a son who is past biting but I am guessing we will have a few more incidents and I'll feel just as horrible each time.

[guatparents2be]

Originally Posted by joepegcamp

I'm about as neurotic as they come, so the head injury thing would have me freaked. Then again, I freak. It's what I do.

The biting, not so much. My son is in preschool four days a week and the biting and hitting happens.

My kid was bitten one day. The teachers left a detailed report. There was a mark, but it was gone a few days later. I wasn't worried.

The next week, the same kid bit my son and my son hauled off and whacked him. Not hard, but enough so that the biter was stunned. The teachers said that they were shocked that my normal peaceful child slapped a child back. Both sets of parents were notified. We talked to the biter's parents. (I'm sure they call us the "hitter's parents.")

The boys are now "friends" -- well, as much as three year olds can be friends. The biting has stopped -- the biter hasn't bitten anyone since. And my kid hasn't slapped the fire out of anyone either. So all is good.

It's so hard to get used to dealing with the daycare/preschool issues. Talk about hard!

I LOVE this post. Not that it's ok for kids to go hauling off and biting and hitting each other, and of course we have to address it but this is a great example of how kids learn to work it out. And yes, preschool is rough stuff for us parents!!

[susy...patience]

one where she bit & another where she was bitten! I wish they would come up with another name for the "report".....incident report just strikes me wrong.

[JustBarbara]

Thanks everyone - it's funny, we really love our daycare. The director's daughter is in DS's class. And really, it is just kids being kids - on another day DS might have been the biter (though the last time he bit someone was about two years ago!). No way would I blame the parents or the teachers - I can remember being a child and getting away with things because 1. I was fast and 2. I did it when the teachers were disciplining or dealing with another child.

I should add that when DS was just 11 months old the report at the end of a day said he had 'hit all the children all day' - I thought the teacher was joking but no ... turns out he was so ready to move into the toddler room and had just a tad too much power over the other 'babies'. All is well - I discussed it that night with DS and we move on. I will not bring it up with the parents of course - I'm sure they were told about it. I would have been furious if they had not told me what happened but these teachers are great, they truly are and take such good care of DS. Thanks again

[ana-mom]

Josie has been bitten 3 times at daycare in the last year - always at the lunch table and always by a different child.

She has bitten Ana a lot at home when she doesn't get her way or is mad.

I hate to say it but I was thinking that maybe it would be a wake up call to Josie - biting hurts!

I was assured the center talked to the biter's family, that the incident was unprovoked and that Josie was taken care of (ie, kissed and cuddled) when the incident occurred.