[JosieWales]

...will Owen feel like he was a 'second choice' bc we adopted, then got pregnant? Like he was adopted only bc we thought we couldn't get pregnant? Like if we had gotten pregnant we wouldn't have wanted him? Which was not the case--we got tired of infertility treatments and decided we didn't care if we got pregnant, we wanted a child!! And we'd always wanted to adopt anyway, regardless of bio kids. Is that all the explanation he'll need? I always wonder what he will wonder about, how he'll interpret things.

[angieandstever]

I don't think there is a way to know but what you wrote is a huge concern of mine and my hesitation to try to get pregnant.

For us we decided on adoption almost 4 years ago because I had had two back surgeries for scoliosis the year prior. I was told I would be able to carry a child safely and shouldn't have any extra problems 1 year out from surgery but it just made me too nervous and we decided adoption was the right way for us to build our family.

Now that we have our amazing daughter, and have talked about expanding our family, the pregnancy discussion has come up. Honestly it has nothing to do with wanting a bio child because hubby and I really don't care if the child is bio or adopted, either way it would be ours! The main decision is the cost of adoption. If we expand our family, we may only have the choice of trying for a bio child because affording adoption would be difficult for us. I am extremely hesitant though because I would worry that our daughter would perceive herself as being a second choice and she absolutely was not! At this point she remains an only child and it may stay that way honestly unless a financial miracle occurs!

Anyway, I totally get what you are saying and understand your concerns. I am not sure what the answer is. I am going to guess each child is different and will have a different reaction. It is obvious how much you love Owen regardless!

[JosieWales]

I totally see what you are saying, along all lines. Comparing costs, Ian's home-coming was WAY cheaper!!

We've thought about adopting again not only because we liked it so much, but because we've read many times that kids who are adopted love having another adopted kid in the immediate family.

[mommytoEli]

Originally Posted by angieandstever

It is obvious how much you love Owen regardless!

i agree.......

[JosieWales]

And I never want O to feel like his adoption was 2nd best or 2nd choice. He is, without a doubt, our first-born, the center of our universe!!!

[stilldeciding]

I was raised by my bio Mom, and also raised my my Dad who adopted me...to my Father there was no difference and for me I absolutely loved BOTH my parents...so as an adoptee I can say that!

I and DH also experienced not getting pregnant for 3 years...DH is deemed medically sterile. We went through all the fertility treatments, yet I could not get pregnant. We gave up all the treatments due to emotional stress and of coarse the $$$ factor. We wanted to adopt, but still were way way too young, and after exhausting thousands of $$$ to try to conceive we were tapped out anyways. Later we did conceive and had 2 boys.

Now years later STILL desiring to expand our family we "tried" to adopt from foster care and again like so many other ways to HAVE kids....it just isn't happening...and we really want to..but at 37 and 40...how long do we wait?

So here we are again, thinking of ttc....we tried a few times, not real hard...but nothing yet.

So what now? Well for me I realize THIS....any way that a child is added to a family it WILL be wanted and loved. I DO believe most people's motive to have a bio child OR an adopted child are the same...they want a "family".....despite how your family came to be...you ARE a family. It doesn't matter HOW it happened, just be happy it did.

I know after my Dad told me I was adopted....I struggled a bit as many adopted kids do..but never in a million years did I ever feel like I wasn't wanted or so loved by my Dad. Today, I just feel like I want to expand my family and am happy however God wants to do that. Good Luck to you!

[angieandstever]

Originally Posted by JosieWales

We've thought about adopting again not only because we liked it so much, but because we've read many times that kids who are adopted love having another adopted kid in the immediate family.

Us too!!! That is a huge part of my desire to adopt again and if we adopt I really want it to be a non -caucasian adoption. I feel it is important for her to have a sibling who she can relate to with adoption and looking different than us. I think about this all of the time actually.

[JosieWales]

Originally Posted by mommytoEli

i agree.......

I do. I'm quite smitten.

[JanetRenda]

My husband and I adopted our "big kids" and while in process found out that we were expecting our 2 year old. Then, in February, we found out we were expecting again. Our little guy is almost 4 weeks old. Our family make up is unique in that DH was adopted too. We actually worried that our 2 year old might feel like second best because she "only" has a birthday day and 1 mom and dad instead of DH and the big kids with b-days, homecoming days, birthparents, and mommy and daddy. DH and I have just always made it a practice to talk about how wonderful everyone's addition to the family has been. I don't know what the future will bring with any of my children feeling like second best or not the favorite but I'm pretty sure, whatever happens will be resolved.

Just my 2 cents. Janet

[JosieWales]

Originally Posted by JanetRenda

My husband and I adopted our "big kids" and while in process found out that we were expecting our 2 year old. Then, in February, we found out we were expecting again. Our little guy is almost 4 weeks old. Our family make up is unique in that DH was adopted too. We actually worried that our 2 year old might feel like second best because she "only" has a birthday day and 1 mom and dad instead of DH and the big kids with b-days, homecoming days, birthparents, and mommy and daddy. DH and I have just always made it a practice to talk about how wonderful everyone's addition to the family has been. I don't know what the future will bring with any of my children feeling like second best or not the favorite but I'm pretty sure, whatever happens will be resolved.

Just my 2 cents. Janet

You know, this is a very good point--my mom and I have talked about how Owen will get to have Gotcha Day, plus a birthfamily, and Ian won't have any of that! Hm, perhaps I'm looking at this all wrong!

I don't want anyone to think I walk around overcompensating for O being adopted. Far from it--they are, day in and day out, both just my sons! But late at night, my mind wanders, and I think about them as individuals, and as brothers, and as a family, and what their futures hold...you get the picture. And so you all get to hear about some of those lying-in-bed train-of-thought questions! Lucky you!!

[ana-mom]

Originally Posted by JosieWales

And so you all get to hear about some of those lying-in-bed train-of-thought questions! Lucky you!!

Becca, with a 3 y/o and a 1 y/o I'm suprised you can even keep your eyes open when you hit the bed, let alone think.

Reading your posts leads me to believe both your sons are well loved. You need to take these things one day at a time and just keep doing the excellent mom job you always have.

[JosieWales]

Originally Posted by ana-mom

Becca, with a 3 y/o and a 1 y/o I'm suprised you can even keep your eyes open when you hit the bed, let alone think.

Reading your posts leads me to believe both your sons are well loved. You need to take these things one day at a time and just keep doing the excellent mom job you always have.

LOL! Yes, most nights I'm dead tired! And happy!

Re: my boys being well-loved, I love them beyond reason, as all parents love their kids. My mom says I just think more than the average person (read: too d*mn much)!

[KJones5]

But late at night, my mind wanders, and I think about them as individuals, and as brothers, and as a family, and what their futures hold...you get the picture. And so you all get to hear about some of those lying-in-bed train-of-thought questions! Lucky you!![/quote]

Oh my gosh! I am so glad that I'm not the only one that does this!!!!!!

[annaguat]

We have both bio and adoptive children and this has not been an issue. The children are all inter mixed. 2 bio, 2 adoptive, 1 bio, 2 adoptive, 1 bio, 2 adoptive, one bio and 3 adoptive. The only thing my two oldest adoptive children ever said was that they would not have liked being the only adoptive child in the family, meaning the only adoptive child between all bio children. Anna

[Mommy K]

Because you treat each child with equal love and expect this from close relatives etc. I don't think will be a big issue for your sons.
The honesty that you are expressing will certainly help with any future convesations you have with your sons regarding family dynamics. As they get older the answers can be in more detail, but in a nutshell-it is that kids are kids and they are always a blessing.