OT: Why are people so surprised that we want to adopt again?(bio/pg ment.)

JosieWales · #1 10-27-2009, 09:07 AM

Most of you know our story--we adopted Owen

and then got pg w/Ian

. People ask us a lot if we'll have any more kids, and I always tell them the truth: that we definitely want to adopt again, and maybe have another bio too.

People are almost always surprised that we want to adopt again. "Really? You do?" I guess it's because 'you know you "can" get pregnant now, so gee, why would you want to adopt again? Isn't adopting a second choice?' I guess that's their train of thought, although they never would say that. Well, a couple of students have said that.

Anyway, my standard response is, "Look at what we got the first time we adopted! Of course we want to adopt again!" People seem to get it then, most of them. But I still wonder why I have to point this out!

**mommytoEli** · #2 10-27-2009, 09:14 AM

i think many people think adoption is always plan b. and for some of us, adoption was plan a.

SKL · #3 10-27-2009, 09:18 AM

I could see people reacting like that if I started talking about adopting again. The reason would be that they remember how stressful the process was the first time around. I remember when I was in the middle of it - thinking, wow, I'm glad I decided to adopt two at once, because I don't think I could ever go through this again, knowing what I know. I thought those who were adopting their second, third, fourth child via a difficult process were just amazing. So maybe that is behind some of your friends' thinking. Most people assume we'd all go the "easier" route if we could. (But personally, I wouldn't have a bio child now even if it were easy. The reasons are too personal for most to understand.)

JosieWales · #4 10-27-2009, 09:19 AM

I know it is plan B for many. But why do they assume, esp when they see how wonderful adoption has been for us? I guess the biological drive supercedes it all. Which I should understand, being a biologist!

**mommytoEli** · #5 10-27-2009, 09:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JosieWales

I know it is plan B for many. But why do they assume, esp when they see how wonderful adoption has been for us?

because adoption isn't "the norm." i mean...it is here at adoption.com. lol. but out in the world, it isn't. i find that the older generation is still maybe embarassed by adoption- like wondering if we are going to tell our kids they are adopted. lol. and i find our generation thinks we adopt only because we must be infertile. i find another whole group of people who do nothing but listen to the media about problems in adoption, but do not hear stories that are positive. so i think it is natural for all of them to wonder why on earth you'd get mixed up in adoption again when it seems you have a choice. i don't think they get that. i think we get a little spoiled by hanging out here with a group of people who understand why we do what we do.

in regards to "plan b," i have several friends where adoption really was their second choice, and they are no less an amazing parent because of it. they are in love with their kids who are happy and well adjusted. just because it was their plan b, doesn't mean they are not equally committed to parenting their adopted children. so even then, i don't think people should comment about why they would possibly want to adopt again either. they just want to. lol. get over it.

i have never heard anyone say to a pregnant woman "ugh, why would you want to have another baby." even if they thought it, they are much more polite. again, i just think it comes down to "norms." just my opinion.

JosieWales · #6 10-27-2009, 10:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mommytoEli

in regards to "plan b," i have several friends where adoption really was their second choice, and they are no less an amazing parent because of it. they are in love with their kids who are happy and well adjusted. just because it was their plan b, doesn't mean they are not equally committed to parenting their adopted children. so even then, i don't think people should comment about why they would possibly want to adopt again either. they just want to. lol. get over it.

Very good point. Often, plan B is WAY better than plan A! For us it sure was!

**momraine** · #7 10-27-2009, 10:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mommytoEli

i have never heard anyone say to a pregnant woman "ugh, why would you want to have another baby." even if they thought it, they are much more polite. again, i just think it comes down to "norms." just my opinion.

Beleive it or not, I actualy did have someone say that to me when I was pregnant with my second. Of course, this is a woman who is, um, well, unique. She had one child and was completely overwhelmed. LOL. She also had a rough pregnancy. People are surprised when we tell them we had always planned to do both. They are also surprised that we adopted our son. I think they figure we adopted dd because we had boys already and wanted a girl, but then we went and adopted another boy. LOL

**mommytoEli** · #8 10-27-2009, 10:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by momraine

People are surprised when we tell them we had always planned to do both. They are also surprised that we adopted our son. I think they figure we adopted dd because we had boys already and wanted a girl, but then we went and adopted another boy. LOL

it is fun to keep people on their toes.

lol.

JosieWales · #9 10-27-2009, 10:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by momraine

Beleive it or not, I actualy did have someone say that to me when I was pregnant with my second. Of course, this is a woman who is, um, well, unique. She had one child and was completely overwhelmed. LOL. She also had a rough pregnancy. People are surprised when we tell them we had always planned to do both. They are also surprised that we adopted our son. I think they figure we adopted dd because we had boys already and wanted a girl, but then we went and adopted another boy. LOL

LOL---Funny how thrown people are when your family isn't exactly like theirs!!

joepegcamp · #10 10-27-2009, 10:44 AM

I've had to flat out tell people that Timothy is not a consolation prize. He's our blessing. When people ask about our future plans, I always say: God's plan for us is beautiful and beyond our imagination. I can't wait to see what He has planned for us.

Timothy is our blessing, our gift and our lives are better because he's a part of our family.

DeeVee · #11 10-27-2009, 01:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mommytoEli

i have never heard anyone say to a pregnant woman "ugh, why would you want to have another baby."

I've heard this from people -- including my sister in law and my pastor's wife (who actually said "why don't you get a dog instead? Well, we have three dogs too! LOL).

For us personally, I think many people we meet can't understand why we have the number of kids we do (five). Not that it's a huge number, really, but if you have any more than two or three children I think you'll find that many people will react negatively. I posted on this a while back; you just get some disapproving looks sometimes. Personally, I love a full house and probably would want one or two more if I were just a little younger and we had just a little more space.

Anyway, just my 2 cents. Once you have more children than the "normal" amount of 2 or 3, whether adopted or bio or a combination, you'll get some interesting comments.

BTW, I love your answer "look at what we got the first time!" Going to use that one, adapted for my situation, when I need it

JosieWales · #12 10-27-2009, 03:30 PM

Dee, so true. People definitely judge families w/lots of kids. It's such a personal decision, I can't imagine anyone disapproving w/o knowing the full story.

arthymom · #13 10-27-2009, 06:08 PM

Dh unfortunately is done with 2 kids ;-(
Because I could have more...

But as the mom of one bio. and one adopted, I get it!
Adopting dd was the best thing that happened to us.
I would totally adopt another boy next, and then if I could another girl to even the number. Ok, but then I wouldn't have a husband lol.

JosieWales · #14 10-28-2009, 07:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by arthymom

I would totally adopt another boy next, and then if I could another girl to even the number. Ok, but then I wouldn't have a husband lol.

Ah, yes. DH v. more kids...hmmm...

JustBarbara · #15 10-28-2009, 08:06 AM

I grew up one of five kids and dreamed of having 20 kids!! Apparently this was before I could fully understand the ramifications

. I don't understand why some people ask these questions and I also don't understand why some folks feel defensive about having a large family. I would love to have another child and my plans were always to be a mom. That was it - I wanted to be a mom and if it was Plan A, B or C it really didn't matter. I am someone who always has a Plan B and if Plan B becomes my Plan A then I have another Plan B at hand. Why do we feel the need to explain to people? I'll bet most of us who have adopted and/or bio could not imagine our family constructed any other way. I know someone who didn't want to get pregnant because she would lose her figure

thankfully she never became a parent.

Just my two or three cents

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