[DDAmasa]

My son is 3 1/2. I adopted him as a single older parent (I'm now 47). I had originally planned on adopting again but between the economy ruining my savings and my job freezing all raises and bonuses, some health problems my widowed mom is having etc, it looks almost certain that my son will be an only child. I'm not entirely comfortable with the decision yet, but being able to adopt again seems very unlikely.

My concern is lately my son is always asking for a brother or sister. Again this morning he says he wants a little brother: "I'll take care of him mommy, please, I wants brothers and sisters." This has been going on for a few months. I know part of it is the fantasy of always having a playmate. I'm not sure if the reality of having to share his mommy, grammy, room and toys would be as appealing if a child actually moved in.

Has anyone else who has an only child been through this? Will it fade away as he gets older and is involved in more activities with more friends? He does go to preschool three days a week but is otherwise with me and/or my mom. There are few children in my condo complex.

It just breaks me heart when he begs for a brother or sister. I know I can't adopt just to please a three year old but it doesn't help that I had always wanted two children myself and just can't give him that sibling I had thought he would have someday. I just feel quilty. He doesn't have a dad, or a grandpa (my dad died just before my son came home) and now I can't give him the brother I thought he would have.

[sheababy]

We are in the same situation, thought we would adopt again but finances and DH is 47 next month. DD is only 2 1/2 so she has not started asking for a brother or sister yet but I am anticipating it.

My committment to DD is that if she ever wants to have friends over, take a friend on vacation, we will let her. I also make sure to have the neighbor boy over often and she has a playmate at school who is almost like a sister. Can you put some feelers out at school or your apt complex that you are looking for a playmate? I think there are lots of people in the same situation.

Another idea is if you have a local Big Brothers, Big Sisters you could find a male influence for him. Doesn't solve the sibling issue but a male role model is always important IMO.

We stayed with my SIL while waiting for ICPC with DD. She has a boy who is an only child. He was 6 at the time. He also wanted a brother or sister. Once she told him that our DD would be what a brother or sister would be like (newborn-can't talk or play with him) he lost all interest in a sibling.

I'm interested to hear other people's experiences.

[loveajax]

My DD is 4.5 and would love to have a little brother or sister (actually, she says she wants both like Dora!). It breaks my heart, because although I have had the HS papers sent to me again, I'm just not sure we can do it...financially, etc.

My DD is extremely close to her cousins which helps, but of course they are all older....and all of my sibs and ILs are definitely "done."

My niece is an only child and she is very popular. She usually brought friends along on vacations, etc. She and my dd also have dogs (my DD calls our dog, "her little brother!").

I know it's hard not to feel "guilty" but there are benefits to being an only child/having an only child...it's like everything in life...pluses and minuses...I am sorry you are struggling with it (I am too, believe me!).

[meowtwo]

My son is eight and I am also a single Mom. He has been asking on and off for a sibling since he was about three. In fact it came up again in the last couple of weeks. Early on I really thought I would adopt a second child but it didn't happen. I basically tell him that it would be too hard and expensive to raise another child and that he would not be able to do all the things that he does get to do like camp, Karate, baseball, soccer etc. The other thing that happened just last Saturday night was we were at a friends that has a three year old little girl and she would not leave him alone. He get saying how much she was bothering him.... I reminded him that thats what it would be like if he had a little brother or sister around. That definietly made him think

[angieandstever]

We are going through the exact same thing. We would love to have another child but it is not really financially possible at this time. Our daughter who turned 3 in September is asking for a brother or sister all of the time. This morning on the way to school she asked again. I told her she didn't have one but she had cousins and lots of friends. Then she started naming off all of them so it was a good diversion. It still breaks my heart though.

I am an only child and was fine when I was younger and even as a teen and in college but now that I am in my thirties I really wish I had a sibling. These feelings are always in my mind when thinking about our daughter too.

[Larue]

I think the fact that you’re cognizant of this and will take steps to include his friends in your family activities is great. I have a brother who is 13 years younger, who grew up to a certain extend as an only child because the rest of his siblings were so much older and out of the house. He was my parents “surprise” child, and they had no intention of having more children. But they made a point of including his friends in our family activities, and even bringing them with us on family outings and vacations. He even had bunk beds in his room for when a friend slept over, which was often. He and I have talked about it, in fact just recently, because he has a 3 year old son and he and his wife aren’t planning on having more children. He feels that he had a happy childhood, and is comfortable with their decision because of his experience.

I understand how finances can curb adoption plans. One other thing I wanted to mention is have you considered adopting from foster care? Other than paying for an attorney at the end to finalize the adoption, adopting from foster care is virtually free. If you want to maintain birth order, there are toddler age children in the system that are considered “low risk legal placements” because parental rights have already been terminated, and the State is looking for an adoptive home. Just something to consider.

Best wishes!

[kerriv]

I've been through that myself. I'm an only child. I've hated it my entire life. I'm sure my parents thought I would get over it as I got older but I still hate it. I wish my parents would have lied to me and told me they couldn't have more kids instead of telling me that they just didn't want any more. I know that at 36 I should have moved past this but it still gnaws at me every day. That said, I know many onlys who are very glad they're onlys. I don't know how they felt about it as kids though.

[Hopingsoon]

I've been through that myself. I'm an only child. I've hated it my entire life. I'm sure my parents thought I would get over it as I got older but I still hate it. I wish my parents would have lied to me and told me they couldn't have more kids instead of telling me that they just didn't want any more. I know that at 36 I should have moved past this but it still gnaws at me every day. That said, I know many onlys who are very glad they're onlys. I don't know how they felt about it as kids though.

Kerri, thanks for sharing this. I haven't heard many only children say it, but I'm sure many feel this way. My son will be an only child, DH & I simply just want one, so while I hope that he doesn't feel that he's missing something, I'll understand if he does. That said, as soon as he's old enough, we'll include his friends in all of our family outings, etc.

Someday we hope that our son is able to make contact with his bio brother, who was also adopted. I pray the sibling registry comes through there at some point.

[dac_cincy]

I really don't want Bug to be an only child. but right now the timing is not right for international adoption or further classes for fostering. So I am wiating.

But the main reason I don't want Bug to be an only child is becuase I am watching my best friend struggle with her parents as they age and I never want Bug to have to face my old age alone.

My mother is one of 12 kids and when her mother was suffering from Alzehiemers, I know it was easier on each of them becuase they could take turns caring for her and my grandfather and they could talk together about their grief afte she died.

So I am hoping and praying that there is a sibling for Bug somewhere in our future.

Love and hugs

[dkateriz]

I too am an only child and have always hated it...right to this day. This is the very reason that my daughter has a sister. That being said the last year has been TOUGH. The fantasy of having a sister has been different from the reality for my 4 yr old. I suppose the fact that the little one came home at 15 mos did not help. I would not change anything for the world but boy was I unprepared for this! Try not to feel so guilty. Your son might not be so thrilled with the reality.
Louise

[Betelnut]

Like the opening poster, I am a 47 year-old single Mom of a 3 1/2 year-old! I too struggle with this issue. I'm "getting up there" and only have the one income.

The primary issue is, of course, money! Not only for the adoption itself, but also day care and so forth. I really don't think I will be able to afford another kid.

I have thought about foster/adopt since fostering fees would help pay for day care but, obviously, that would be a temporary situation.

Sigh, it is difficult. I'm particularly moved by the argument of my daughter having to be alone in the world after I'm gone, or having to nurse me when I'm older. Then again, who's to say if any of my kids would want to do that anyway or if they would even get along? Nothing is guaranteed in this world.

Plus, I think about--what if something happens to me when they are little? My sister has agreed to be my daughter's guardian but if there were two kids that would be a very big burden on her. (One would be hard enough!)

Lot's to think about!

[Lauren57]

Another older, single mom here....My son is now almost 7. He has gone through various stages of wanting a sibling, most recently this fall. Although I have not totally ruled it out, I think it is very unlikely that I would adopt again. What has worked for us is asking him to talk about the reasons that he would like a sibling; at this point when he talks about it he almost always talks himself out of it!! Lauren, mom to Michael who is almost 7!!

[mommytoEli]

Originally Posted by dac_cincy

But the main reason I don't want Bug to be an only child is becuase I am watching my best friend struggle with her parents as they age and I never want Bug to have to face my old age alone.

my siblings and i are struggling with our remaining parent right now. i don't know what i would do if i had to take care of the situation on my own.

[DDAmasa]

Thanks for the responses. I see I'm not the only one struggling with this. Hopefully it all works out. I just want my son to be happy both now and as an adult.

One other thing I wanted to mention is have you considered adopting from foster care?

I actually have been thinking about it. Maybe a toddler or if I wait a couple of years, a child up to 5 or 6 years of age. But my biggest fear with foster to adopt is losing a child my son and I had grown to love if adoption didn't prove possible. I'd be devastated and I don't know how my son would handle losing a sibling to another family. I know you never lose by opening your heart and home to a child and I'm being selfish I guess, but it's something I really need to be sure about before I can proceed down that road. And it doesn't completely resolve my older parent with limited income problem.

I think about--what if something happens to me when they are little? My sister has agreed to be my daughter's guardian but if there were two kids that would be a very big burden on her. (One would be hard enough!)

This is another problem for me as well. My sister already has five children and lives in another state. My brother has two and both he and his wife work full-time to provide. My mother is over 70 and widowed.

Maybe I overthink things. Plenty of people have told me if they tried to work everything out perfectly on paper, they'd never have bought a house or had kids.

[JustBarbara]

There are a lot more single children out there than ever before. DS will be an only child as I am a single, older mom as well. He is 3 1/2 and has been asking about a brother or sister. I would say almost half his daycare center kids are only children. I would love to adopt again but I am only one person and would have to give up time with him to care for an infant (would not want to disrupt birth order) and preferably an infant from South or Central America - and really, IA options have decreased so much in the last 2-3 years it would be almost impossible for us older moms (let alone older, single moms) to adopt again. I know I could not do fostering - that's just me - I could not bear to raise a child and have to return the child to his birth parent. But that's just me - it would break my heart. And then how would I explain it to DS? Not easy. Now if I meet the right guy ... that would be sweet as he also has been asking about a Daddy.