[dianneemily]

Hi all!
This is a question related to my work. I thought I might get some good advice/suggestions from all of you experts!

I work for a hospice and coordinate the grief support program. I am trying to help a woman deal with her 3 year old son. Her husband died about 1 month ago and the 3 year old is having some acting out - increased aggression (totally normal I know). She has always used time out with him but now he refuses to go and stay in time out. She started doing more "time in" where she sits on a chair and holds him, but he is really resisting it - crying and struggling to get down.

Could someone explain to me how they do "time in" and how to handle a child wanting to get down, etc. Thank you!

[joepegcamp]

My son sometimes struggles with time-ins, too. Depending on the situation, I hold him anyway. He usually calms down within a few minutes. Sometimes, if he's particularly agitated, I'll let him down, but I'm right next to him for at least 30 minutes. If he's on the floor throwing a fit, I'm on the floor, too. I don't yell. I use a calm voice, put on some quiet music and tell him that I love him over and over and over and over again.

I've also found that during his more troubled times (usually during huge transitions), exercise and a lower-glycemic diet helps his moods tremendously. We'll go "running" through a park at least twice a day. And for snacks, it's lots of cheese and protein. I think my son tends towards hypoglycemia, so this helps a lot.

I know a lot of parents use time-ins, and they work. But we all do things differently based on our kids' personalities and emotional issues. Please tell the Mom that we had to try a few different time-in strategies before we found one that worked for us.

I'll keep the Mom and her son in my prayers. This must be so hard on them.

[bhouston]

Grief in a child is so hard....on so many levels...Brooklyn was a bit over 3 when she lost her papa...she was so close to him..more than anyone and he was the first person she bonded to when we arrived home with her. Their hearts were interwoven...so when he came down with terminal cancer I knew it was going to be devastating to her...and it was....and we also noticed alot more aggressive behavior....they totally lose control...and they have this huge gap...and do not know what to do with the pain....we have always used some sort of time ins with Brooklyn....but they can vary ...sometimes I would hold her...sometimes she would sit beside me....

Also I think it is important for the child at least in Brooklyns case to express all that pain inside her...and get it out....hitting wasnt okay but sometimes she just needed to throw a fit and cry and no matter why she was doing it ....it always ended with her crying for her papa...and wondering where he was and why he couldnt come back to her...It has only been a month for this little boy and his mom is in grieving too....so it must be so hard for her...I realized after my stepdad died..I didnt even grieve over it for a long time because all my emotional support was put into my daughter who was out of her mind with grief....so this poor mom...has such a huge burden right ...thankfully she has you to help her thru this...prayers for her and her son and family....Beth

[guatparents2be]

we never do a time out. we talk about the situation and if he's too mad to listen we walk him to his room and sit there while he is angry. sometimes he asks us to leave and we do for a moment then come back and sit just far enough away from him that it doesn't piss him off even more. then as soon as he calms down i ask him if i can pick him up and sometimes he says yes and is crying and sometimes he is just over it and he apologizes. good enough for me.

honestly i don't want to hold him when he doesn't want to be held... i don't want him to feel like he's being forced into submission, i just want him to know i'm not leaving and i love him but he can't x,y, or z. i think of how i would feel if i was angry and someone tried to hold me in one place. for my personality that wouldn't work. (note, attachment is another story...)

[Slatond10]

I did "time in" w/ my DD as well. However she didn't ever fight me or try to get down. I kind of used the 123 and then when she got to 3 she had to come sit w/ me until she could mind or calm down with me. While talking to her about her behavior while I held her and also letting her know I loved her.

But there is more involved w/ the behavior in this "grief" situation. My DD went thru a rough time @ 2-3 w/ transitions and I established a playroom where she could hit something or jump on something and we established a "screaming" place. The play room had a mini trampoline for jumping and a big blow up ball for hitting. The garage was the "screaming zone".... so when she started being aggressive, I suggested she move to the place where it was acceptable behavior. I do think given this childs grief and limited form to express this grief there needs to be an avenue for release.

My heart goes out to both the Mom and child. What a tough time.