[mevertin]

Hi everyone. I am looking for some advice regarding my oldest daughter. She is 11 and in the 5th grade. She is a great kid. Very happy and mellow, willing to help at home, not much talking back, great student (takes classes at the middle school), piano player, basketball player, and viola player. Today I was cleaning her room and as I was picking up stuff I found a notebook on her dresser. I thought it might be a math notebook or something so I opened it to check. Turns out to be her journal. I read a few pages (I know, bad mom) and was shocked to find her writing about her weight, dieting and being fat. She had actually recorded her weight on certain days. I am just floored. She is tall, and lanky and there is not an ounce of fat on her (she has always had that build).She is starting to develop a little bit, but on par with the other girls in her grade. She has always been a picky eater but she does eat. If she doesn't like what I am serving I tell her to make a pbj or a turkey sandwich. I see her eat breakfast and I am assuming she has the school lunch (her account is used each day) and I see her snack after school. I am pretty liberal about the snacking and have lots of healthy choices for the kids. She does love things like popcorn and pretzels but she will eat fruit, etc. I am just terrified that this is the start of an eating disorder. Any advice on what to do? She is on an overnight class trip for the next two days so I have a little time to think about things. Should I do anything? Should I say something to her? Anyone been through this with their child. Thanks in advance for any advice.


Mary
mom to Bobby 12, Bridget 11, Angela 9, Eddie 4 (home in 2005) and Naldo 2 (home since Feb. 08)

[bhouston]

You know I am sometimes shocked by how much girls are in to this and at such a younger age....Even my first grade girl talks about not wanting to be fat and says so and so is thin.....at school....so I know it is a huge pressure on the girls...and then add in those awful t.v. programs young girls watch where everyone is tiny just adds to it....

I raised two sons and they didnt deal with this but other self confidence issues at this young age...

I have already started with my daughter trying to teach her healthy eating vs dieting and talking about being strong and healthy...vs skinny...and telling her how beautiful she is...and talking about how that comes from the inside...but wow....I know this is going to a tough transition...into adulthood for our girls....especially now when tummy tucks botox and staying young looking forever is so everywhere! Beth

[becky]

It is most likely not an eating disorder issue...it's a 'peer issue'. I can tell you that every single girl in our middle school (which is a small private school) talks about their weight and how they need to be on a diet, etc.

It's just very much a focus of girls that age. They are starting to mature, they are starting to care about what boys think, and what other girls their age think. Unfortuately everything in our society tells them they have to be skinny...not healthy and strong, but skinny!

Just keep the healthy options available. And yes I would bring it up...just to start the conversation with her (don't mention looking in her journal). Just ask if anyone at school ever talks about dieting or if anyone she knows thinks they need to lose weight. Ask her 'her opinion' about that.

There isn't anything wrong with her wanting to be healthy and eat right...which it sounds like she does. It's when she stops eating that you really need to worry!

[healingfeeling]

hi there,

sorry you're going through this.

my sister developed bulemia when she was 15. she would also "forget" her lunch quite frequently and weigh herself daily. once we found out about it (i guess it had been going on for 6 months) she was able to be treated and she saw a nutritionist and was put on some sort of anti-anxiety meds, like celexa or something. she's now 26, healthy, beautiful and totally cured. i think it was triggered by a knee injury she sustained that kept her from playing basketball and resulted in a small weight gain.

age 11 seems very young to deal with an eating disorder, but girls are getting more and more mature nowadays.

i think talking to her about a "girl you know" who has an eating disorder and how unhealthy it is for her...maybe present her with a fictional situation to start a conversation.

good luck with this

[Devora]

I think it's premature to be worried about an eating disorder -- not because of her age but because (a) becoming concerned with her appearance is natural at this age, (b) there is a social pressure to think and talk about weight, and (c) there are no warning signs of problematic behavior aside from what you read in the journal.

There are a few things you can do:
(a) read up on basic information about eating disorders, including warning signs so you know what to look for in the future

(b) take more natural opportunities for conversations about women/girls and body image -- don't force it, but take the opportunities that come up like seeing someone on television or in a magazine or on a billboard -- and make sure you spend as much (if not more) time finding out what your daughter thinks and why as you do telling her what you think -- use these as opportunities to teacher her skills for critically thinking about media images (you might want to do a bit of research on advertising techniques like airbrushing and makeup -- there are some good websites with info on this and examples of "before" and "after" that you can look at with your daughter to learn together how the images we see are not in fact real)

(c) make sure she understands the natural body changes she is starting to go through -- a lot of time we focus on breasts and periods but forget to explain to girls that their body shape will change with puberty and that roundness where they used to be twigs is normal; celebrate those changes as passages into being a strong woman

(d) without being forced or fake, reinforce her strength -- whether it's physical, mental, or emotional; don't worry so much about reinforcing when she's a "nice" or "caring" girl; those are fine attributes but she'll get plenty of reinforcement for them; focus on examples of her being strong, daring, gutsy, etc.

(e) resist the temptation to read her journal again; this should only be done if you have reason to believe your child is in jeopardy

[sak9645]

I agree with Becky and Devora. Yes, eating disorders exist in preteens and teens. But from what you wrote, there are no signs of high risk behaviors, like inducing vomiting.

Pre-teens and young teen girls are hugely conscious of their appearance, and are very much influenced by all the talk of weight on TV, in the magazines, etc. There is a big difference, however, between worrying a lot about their appearance, including their weight, and having an eating disorder.

Devora has some great strategies for communicating with your daughter about her changing body, her appearance, and the messages kids receive from the media about weight.

You might also want to involve your daughter in cooking activities, so that she learns about healthy foods that are not excessively fattening, and about appropriate portion sizes.

Interestingly, my thin Chinese daughter announced that she wanted to be vegetarian a few months ago. Her main motivation was concern for animals, but she also wanted to eat healthy so she wouldn't get fat or look unattractive. Even among skinny Chinese girls, there is constant talk of the size of their thighs, bellies, etc.

Although I have never been vegetarian, I began to serve veggie meals. She is actually eating a lot more healthy veggies and fruits than ever, and also increasing her consumption of dairy products, which used to be low enough to worry the doctor.

I have encouraged her to help me find veggie recipes and pick veggie foods in the supermarket, as well as to read labels so she understands things like portion sizes and sugar/fat content.

She is, of course, a lacto-ovo vegetarian, which means that she eats dairy products and eggs; I wouldn't let her be a vegan, since it's hard for kids to get proper nutrition with a vegan diet. (I already give her a multivitamin with iron, to be sure she's not missing anything without meat products in her diet.)

Interestingly, she is fascinated by the fact that there are some foods that are veggie that are quite fattening, such as ice cream and cake, and that such foods should be eaten only in moderation. We talk about how our culture encourages "supersizing" everything, including our meals, and that has led her to understand that the big issue with weight is eating high calorie/high fat foods in enormous quantities. You can still enjoy even desserts, if you eat a more moderate amount.

Another thing to do is to get your daughter involved in a lot of activities that will take up her time and energy, and keep her from wasting that time and energy obsessing about appearance.

As an example, young girls tend to love horses. Riding is good for developing posture, leg definition, and arm strength -- all of which will help a girl look better. Mastery of the art of getting a big horse to do what you want also does wonders for self-confidence. I know. My daughter was a rider from age seven through age 11, and we stopped only because it was becoming prohibitively expensive.

All good stables require riders to care for their horses, which is very messy work. Kids will sweat, get covered with dirt, tie their hair in a pony tail to keep it out of their eyes, get occasional scrapes and bruises, etc. They will also sweat, get dirty, and get dinged up etc. from riding and falling off their horses. They will learn that there is nothing wrong this, and that there are far more important things than how they look at a given moment.

If your daughter doesn't ride, but likes nature, many parks have programs for teens and/or preteens, where they help maintain trails, root out non-native species, etc. Again, it's messy, and a girl just won't have time to comb her hair every five minutes, but it will make her look good in the long run because she will have lots of exercise and fresh air. Many sports and athletic activities are also good for discouraging the focus on appearance. Just make sure that your daughter chooses something like soccer, rather than an activity that emphasizes low weight, like gymnastics. (Now, I know that some gymnastic programs do NOT emphasize low weight.)

In short, there are ways to let a preteen or young teen think about her appearance and weight, without getting into unhealthy behaviors. But don't expect this age group NOT to be fixated, at least to a small degree, on things like their height, weight, bust size, rear end size, hair color and style, eyebrows, leg/underarm hair, skin imperfections/zits, freckles, etc. It will drive you nuts, after a while, and you will think that you are raising a totally vain airhead. Unfortunately, concern about appearance is a typical teen "thing", and our society makes it a lot worse.

But the good news is -- at least, I'm told this (my daughter is still in the stage) -- that it will pass, and you will have a perfectly healthy young woman.

Sharon

[linda512]

One more thought is to engage your pediatrician in this. Not a special appointment but if she goes in for a routine visit, let the doctor know that you are a little concerned and she can talk to your daughter about healthy eating, etc.

[mevertin]

Thanks for all your input. I am going to watch her more closely and bring things up about diet and weight in a more general way. I think the biggest shocker is that she seems like such a little girl about her appearance-no interest in clothes, still gets extremely dirty when she plays outside, only combs her hair when threatened etc.
She is interested in cooking so I will try to involve her more in meal prep. She has done lots of horseback riding but we kind of put it on hold for the summer. Once we get our winter sports schedules going I will get her back in lessons. Thanks again for all your advice!
Mary
mom to Bobby 12, Bridget 11, Angela 9, Eddie 4 (home in 2005) and Naldo 2 (home Feb. 08)

[SKL]

I remember thinking like that when I was that age. Part of it was the difficulty of accepting that I was going to have "curves." I was in no hurry to lose my naturally slim, childish body that allowed me to more than keep up with the boys. But although I did not relish the idea of "growing up," I didn't take any steps to prevent it. In fact, I became ravenous during my teen years and gained more weight than I needed to; and I really didn't consider myself "fat" even though I considered some parts of my body to have more fat than I wanted to see there. Does that make any sense?

I personally would avoid drawing attention to this, because it could actually encourage her to focus more on her body image and the things she could do that you might not want her to do. Remember that around this age, kids' logic gets screwed up by hormones, so even though your daughter might have been highly sensible and intelligent at age 10, she still might do something completely illogical during the years after that. So my thought is, keep her attention on healthy/positive things like helping to plan and prepare nutritious meals, talking about how best to keep her younger siblings healthy, how great it feels to really exert oneself in sports, how great she looks in well-tailored clothes, etc. Let the journal incident go for now, IMO.