[mevertin]

Did anyone see the story on the Today show this am about a disrupted adoption? I give the mother credit for having the guts to write about it and appear on TV. Her family adopted a 1 year old boy and after about 18 months he was placed in another setting. She did say she sought help with therapists, social workers , etc. So heartbreaking for the little boy. It is hard not to judge this family. The story was pretty well-balanced and emphasized it is not the norm in adoptions. I have no idea how to post a link, but I just watched it again on the Today show website.
Mary
mom to Bobby 12, Bridget 11, Angela 9, Eddie 4 (home in 2005) and Naldo 2 (home Feb. 08)

[joepegcamp]

Before the Today Show picked it up, it was actually an item on the Motherlode blog at the New York Times. Do a search for the original piece and then read the comments. It's heartbreaking--especially the criticism she came under for making the decision.

I think she's brave to come forward and tell her story. In the end, I think she did what was best for the child. And isn't that what a mother should do?

[DPline]

There is a thread currently on the GAPS Forum about it. The link is in one of the first few posts. http://forums.adoption.com/adopting-...opted-boy.html

[celticsunshine06]

I was just reading about it today from a link on the Big List - I'm about a month behind in reading my digests. Here is the link to the article I read. What a heart-breaking situation!

Eva

Terminating an Adoption - Motherlode Blog - NYTimes.com

[joepegcamp]

Here's the link to the Motherlode blog where it discusses today's show and the original post.

The Mother Who Gave Back Her Adopted Son - Motherlode Blog - NYTimes.com

[GDSinPA]

This story angers me, and I don't like feeling that way over something that's really so sad. So I'm just going top copy and paste something I wrote on another forum:

This story has been hanging around all summer, and I can't believe this woman is still getting air time.

It's terrible, despicable, and represents of the epitome of adoption privilege. It's shameful and her attitude about it is hurtful and angering to adoptees who read about it. I cannot rectify this in my mind in any other way except to say she cared more about herself and her biological children than she did the adoptee. Can you imagine the short term AND long term impact on this child - who reportedly was found abandoned on along side the road?

The adoptive mom here was pregnant when she began the adoption process, then gave birth to another child very soon after bringing home the adoptee. She already had 3 young children before having these two babies and adopting one - all while her husband was regularly on long deployments with the military.

In light of that, there's no way the agency acted responsibly here, and certainly no attachment professional would recommend doing anything like that at all. There is no possible way she did her homework. I would only give her praise if she admits she made a mistake by having so many children in a short period of time and adopting a child with this background let alone any child.

Digging a little deeper reveals that the woman is a journalist and writer who is preparing to publish a book early next year. She blogged her disgust over another couple who had disrupted and has "tweaked" her story a number of times since that fact came to light.

I believe that adoption disruption is sometimes necessary and a valid topic of concern for a board like this. But this example is not one to hold up as anything except to show the ugly side of adoptive parents who do not face the reality of what it means to adopt before or during placement.

Blessings,
-Greg

[guatparents2be]

Originally Posted by GDSinPA

This story angers me, and I don't like feeling that way over something that's really so sad. So I'm just going top copy and paste something I wrote on another forum:

This story has been hanging around all summer, and I can't believe this woman is still getting air time.

It's terrible, despicable, and represents of the epitome of adoption privilege. It's shameful and her attitude about it is hurtful and angering to adoptees who read about it. I cannot rectify this in my mind in any other way except to say she cared more about herself and her biological children than she did the adoptee. Can you imagine the short term AND long term impact on this child - who reportedly was found abandoned on along side the road?

The adoptive mom here was pregnant when she began the adoption process, then gave birth to another child very soon after bringing home the adoptee. She already had 3 young children before having these two babies and adopting one - all while her husband was regularly on long deployments with the military.

In light of that, there's no way the agency acted responsibly here, and certainly no attachment professional would recommend doing anything like that at all. There is no possible way she did her homework. I would only give her praise if she admits she made a mistake by having so many children in a short period of time and adopting a child with this background let alone any child.

Digging a little deeper reveals that the woman is a journalist and writer who is preparing to publish a book early next year. She blogged her disgust over another couple who had disrupted and has "tweaked" her story a number of times since that fact came to light.

I believe that adoption disruption is sometimes necessary and a valid topic of concern for a board like this. But this example is not one to hold up as anything except to show the ugly side of adoptive parents who do not face the reality of what it means to adopt before or during placement.

Blessings,
-Greg

amen. period.

[JoshGuat]

I wonder if she kept the baby if she could have abused the child for years, however, adoption is forever, and unfortunately she didn't have what it takes. Hope we don't hear next year how she changed her mind on her biological children. I have to wonder if they will suffer from trust when they see the big picture. Also, how can this NOT effect her children at home?? Their brother was taken away from them. That has to have a lasting effect on them That being said.....we really can't judge her unless we walk in her shoes.

[JustBarbara]

Originally Posted by GDSinPA

This story angers me, and I don't like feeling that way over something that's really so sad. So I'm just going top copy and paste something I wrote on another forum:

This story has been hanging around all summer, and I can't believe this woman is still getting air time.

It's terrible, despicable, and represents of the epitome of adoption privilege. It's shameful and her attitude about it is hurtful and angering to adoptees who read about it. I cannot rectify this in my mind in any other way except to say she cared more about herself and her biological children than she did the adoptee. Can you imagine the short term AND long term impact on this child - who reportedly was found abandoned on along side the road?

The adoptive mom here was pregnant when she began the adoption process, then gave birth to another child very soon after bringing home the adoptee. She already had 3 young children before having these two babies and adopting one - all while her husband was regularly on long deployments with the military.

In light of that, there's no way the agency acted responsibly here, and certainly no attachment professional would recommend doing anything like that at all. There is no possible way she did her homework. I would only give her praise if she admits she made a mistake by having so many children in a short period of time and adopting a child with this background let alone any child.

Digging a little deeper reveals that the woman is a journalist and writer who is preparing to publish a book early next year. She blogged her disgust over another couple who had disrupted and has "tweaked" her story a number of times since that fact came to light.

I believe that adoption disruption is sometimes necessary and a valid topic of concern for a board like this. But this example is not one to hold up as anything except to show the ugly side of adoptive parents who do not face the reality of what it means to adopt before or during placement.

Blessings,
-Greg

Ditto - the 'puppy eyes' look she has during this interview is so rehearsed. And, yes, of course, she has a book coming out.

[guatamama2]

The first thing that came to my mind when I heard about this was the fact she was a journalist. It seemed almost as if this were an "experiment" she could write about.

I soooo agree with Greg. I also believe she is NOT brave, she is a coward. A coward for not being able to get over whatever it was that was keeping her from loving this precious GIFT!

[LJR1974]

Originally Posted by joepegcamp

I think she's brave to come forward and tell her story. In the end, I think she did what was best for the child. And isn't that what a mother should do?

I think so too. It is a terrible tragedy, no question. The situation makes me really sad, but I can't be judgemental. It sounds like she was "prepared" and sought out therapies when things were tough, but in the end she didn't have what it took.

For myself I have learned it's easy to say "I'd never..." without being in the situation.

[GDSinPA]

Originally Posted by LJR1974

I think so too. It is a terrible tragedy, no question. The situation makes me really sad, but I can't be judgemental. It sounds like she was "prepared" and sought out therapies when things were tough, but in the end she didn't have what it took.

For myself I have learned it's easy to say "I'd never..." without being in the situation.

I'm wondering if you've read the additional information about this story? How is she brave to go on national TV and misrepresent her own situation? How could she have been prepared when she had 2 other bio infants right around the same time she around baby D home?

[joepegcamp]

Originally Posted by GDSinPA

I'm wondering if you've read the additional information about this story? How is she brave to go on national TV and misrepresent her own situation? How could she have been prepared when she had 2 other bio infants right around the same time she around baby D home?

The woman did NOT seek out the television interview. She wrote a piece (anonymously) for the Motherlode blog on the New York Times. Readers of the blog hunted her down and started making threats against her and her family. (Apparently, the threats were scary. They were not the "you're a horrible person" kind of taunts. Instead, they were the "I'm going to hunt you down" kind of threats.)

The Today Show contacted the woman and asked to do a story. After being harassed and threatened, she thought it would be best to tell her side of the story. Lisa Belkin, the editor of the story, accompanied the woman on the show.

Personally, as a PR person, I would have advised her not to do the interview. That wasn't the best decision, in my opinion.

The woman did seek out attachment therapies. She went through intensive counseling BEFORE deciding to give up the child.

If the child wasn't attaching--and worse, she wasn't attaching to the child--is it in the best interest of the child to stay with the family? Or is it better to find a home where that child attaches?

The story makes me sick, too. But I don't think I have the right to judge. I wasn't walking in her shoes and I am not privy to the personal information and stories. I've read news stories. And a couple of news stories do not encompass the entire sordid story.

This was probably a failure at all levels: the family for thinking that they could handle a special needs child, the adoption agency for not thoroughly vetting the family, and the social workers who did not ask the proper questions.

By the way, according to Publisher's Lunch and Publisher's Weekly (two periodicals for the publishing industry), her book has nothing to do with the disrupted adoption. From what I've gathered, her book is about surviving long military deployments. (Of course, with all the hoopla, she may be offered a publishing contract to write about the disrupted adoption. Look at all the attention. It would sell some books, I'm sure.)

[LJR1974]

Originally Posted by GDSinPA

How could she have been prepared when she had 2 other bio infants right around the same time she around baby D home?

I had a 7 week old bio son when I brought my 20 month old home from Guatemala. We didn't intend for it to be that way, but it worked for us (eventually). It was hard as heck, but we did it. In her case, I do think that having so many small children in so short a time period while her dh was away on deployments was a stupid decision. It increased the likelihood for failure.

Adoption isn't for everyone. There are a lot of people on this forum whose adoptive parents treated them poorly. It's is horrible, completely horrible, that this woman went thru an adoption to find out she wasn't cut out for this little boy's care. But when she found out she could not do it, I think she did the right thing in the end.

My son's birthmother made the same decision after caring for him for several weeks.

[2xaround]

I'm not supporting or condemning this family for making the decision they made. That was their decision to make and if I am to believe everything that has been stated, they sought out professional help in an attempt to keep this little guy and evetually realized it wasn't getting any better. This woman also admitted that it wasn't just her son's attachment that was the problem, but that she too was having a difficult time bonding to him. How many other mother's sit quietly in suffering because they are going through the same thing? If I were in that situation, I don't think I would say anything for fear of being harshly judged by others. At a time when someone would need a tremendous amount of support, they are being judged and threatened. That's very sad.

Several people have made the statement "adoption is forever." To me, giving birth to a child should be forever as well, but all of us know that isn't always the case. For many reasons mothers and fathers are in situations that cause them to choose adoption as an option for their child. Fortunately for these children there are very loving and capable families out there who do adopt and provide them with a stable, forever family and home. In the same way bio mothers and fathers choose adoption in hopes of providing their child with a better chance in life, families who disrupt adoption do so in the hopes of providing their child with a better chance in life. I can't judge anyone for making those decision.