[hbrown22]

I've posted a little about DS's insecurities but they seem to be worsening. He is having serious trouble transitioning from one activity to another. For example, he cries when it is time to eat but is fine once eating, then cries when he gets down afterward. Same goes for bathtime. He cries when it is time to go to the store but once we're in the car he is fine but when we get there he starts crying again. When we get home he cries until I can direct him to A toy or something. I've tried everything from ignoring it, to timeouts, to soothing him, to letting him know far ahead of time what will be coming next. The only thing that seems to remotely work is carrying him but I can't do that all the time. He is 27 months old. I feel like a crappy mom because he alwAys seems unhappy. I have scoured he Internet but can't seem to find much about this particular issue. And sometimes he is just fine like yesterday at the playground which we hadn't been to before, he was All over the place and very happy yet the other day at the apple orchard he was super insecure. I also think he uses food as a major comfort but that's a whole other thread. I will take Any advice you can give me. It's seriously stArting to depress me wondering where am I going wrong with him?

[netmon]

I have been reading a great book lately called Parenting your Internationally Adopted Child. It talks a lot about how these children have difficulty with transitions. My daughter used to have these difficulties, but is doing so much better, so I have not read those sections in the book thoroughly. However, you might want to pick it up and read those sections. Great book on across the lifespan.

[SKL]

It can be so hard to pinpoint the issue at that age. Both of my daughters have had "transition" issues at different times, for totally different reasons.

With DD1, it was about insecurity. When I sensed that, I would hold her to the extent I could, but I would also tell her "I will hold you for [1 minute], but then I need to put you down because [I need both of my hands to do X, or I need to go to my office, or whatever], and I'll come back and hold you again after x time." In her case, it was and still is important to tell her very clearly what's going to happen next, and then next after that, until we'll be safe back at home for the evening. (I know you said you do this too.) I tend to plan things so that I can be with her and give her my full attention until she gets used to a new thing. And I try not to keep changing the person who helps her transition - at home, it's normally only me, and at school, it's 2-3 regular teachers. Oh, another thing I do is have a routine task for her to do at transition times. For example, when it's time to eat, I always ask her to put her booster on her chair. There's a simple but proactive task like this at most transition times. This way she has a feeling of control, of "doing something" versus "having something done to her" during transitions.

Also in DD1's case, physical stuff can come into play - she is still teething, doesn't eat well when outside of her comfort zone, doesn't always sleep at nap time, etc., and this takes up some of the energy she needs to make an adjustment. She's also an introvert, so social adjustments are that much more challenging. Now that she is nearly 3, it is rare for her to cry during a transition, but she can still be very uncomfortable and crawl into her shell during such times.

With DD2, it's all about control. She wants to be the one deciding what's going to happen next. So of course my approach with her is completely different. I will usually let her be "left out" until she decides that "she" wants to join in on the fun, food, whatever. When that isn't practical, I use reasoning, employ positive / negative discipline techniques, or just be a mean old hag about it (depending on how uncooperative she wants to be). She can be extremely stubborn, but thankfully doesn't "tantrum," and eventually she gets over herself.

Well, I don't know if I've given you anything you can use, but I wish you good luck. I know how hard it is when your little one can't seem to be happy all day!

[shanpine]

I'll have to agree with and chime in on what SKL said. Some kids CRAVE control. I believe these are our future CEO's and presidents. I think he is trying to see how much he can control of his daily schedule/life. If you just ignore it....then I would have to guess that after a few days he would realize that the crying is NOT worth the effort. You are a wonderful mom....please don't think you are anything but that! you just have a tough row to hoe.....but don't give up! It'll be worth it in the end when you are sitting in your son's cushy corner office overlooking the world!!

[hbrown22]

Thanks for the advice so far.

Shannon, strangely that makes me feel better imagining that when he is grown!

[krafmatic]

Both my boys have/had trouble with transitions. Keep in mind that my guys are not "typical"...had many moves from facility to facility, neglect etc... while in Guat and have several medical issues we are dealing with so it is a bit complicated. Some of these may not be useful, but hopefully you can get at least one nugget of info out of it:

My main theme was to take baby steps whenever humanly possible. A pain in the neck, yes, but we have made enormous progress. For instance:
1. Keep transitions to a minimum (save errands for when you are alone, go to the park on a separate day from any errands etc). It may make for a boring few weeks, but it is important.
2. Give advanced warning when possible (ie 5 minutes until....)
3. Remain calm...getting upset/agitated/anxious makes it worse. Take the attitude of "This is what we do, it is just a part of life" when you are transitioning. Remaining calm is difficult but VERY important.
4. Give lots of extra cuddle time/carrying time but set limits ("I'll carry you until we get into the store and then you can ride in the cart"...and stick to your guns.
5. Be as consistent as possible. Routine, routine, routine. They want to know what comes next.
6. Give tasks - partly to give control, partly to distract. For example, I might ask Gabe to put his "puppy" (he is nuts about dogs and has many toy puppies) in a chair at the table when it is time to eat.
7. Lots of role playing with stuffed animals (those puppies are going to bed now and just happen to follow the same routine as Gabe), fisher price little people, etc...
8. When introducing something new, I try and limit it to one thing at a time...new face in a familiar setting or new setting with only familiar faces.
9. If there is a "big" transition I break it into pieces. For example, this summer we were going to attempt a family vacation with grandparents and cousins for a whole week in a totally new environment. I literally started months in advance, breaking down each new experience and tackling it seperately before the big trip...which turned out great.
10. Patience, patience, patience

Yes, I know, this sounds somewhat obsessive. I do have two severe cases that I work with. While the last 20 months have been very challenging, they are worth every inconvience, frustration, and crying fit (all of ours).
Best of luck

[guatparents2be]

Originally Posted by shanpine

I'll have to agree with and chime in on what SKL said. Some kids CRAVE control. I believe these are our future CEO's and presidents. I think he is trying to see how much he can control of his daily schedule/life. If you just ignore it....then I would have to guess that after a few days he would realize that the crying is NOT worth the effort. You are a wonderful mom....please don't think you are anything but that! you just have a tough row to hoe.....but don't give up! It'll be worth it in the end when you are sitting in your son's cushy corner office overlooking the world!!

I would like to chime in that although I think in some cases a child is working out control issues with this kind of behavior, with our adopted kids it may be wise to rule out attachment/adoption issues first before ignoring the behavior.

When I am looking at an issue for our son I always try to imagine the potential effects of his being separated from his birth mom as a newborn, then separated from the only family he'd ever known at 7 months. Could there be a connection with difficult transitioning and this history? Absolutely.

I would consider consulting a therapist that specializes in adoption/attachment issues. Better safe than sorry...

[shelbydog]

It sounds like normal 27 month old behavior! My bio son was like this. Some children have more trouble with transitions. If he is old enough to understand, give him a choice of TWO things. As in, it's bathtime - show him a duck and a doggy - "It's bathtime - do you want to play with the duck in the bath, or the dog?" This moves his attention to something else, and something colorful and fun.

At the playground, if he wants the swing and someone is one it, keep it short and sweet and say, "Another boy is on the swing - hey, do you want to do the slide or the ladder?" We had to use this alot in our Gymboree class. We had meltdown after meltdown because someone would be on a piece of equipment my kids wanted. Divert their attention to a choice of TWO acceptable things. They choose, they have control.

Choice of two things was key for me with both of my children. My son was insecure and had transition issues. My daughter has MAJOR control issues. I also find that the more black and white you are, the better - as in you stay in control, give the choice of two, scoop him up and off you go. I found that the less emotion in these instances, the better. I feel it's a phase and in a few months it will be better. Good luck!

[chazzeldy2]

Great advice from other posters! I'd also ask "is he sleeping well and sleeping enough?" My DD is the same age and you're describing her behavior (+ hitting) when she doesn't nap or is sleep-deprived.

[GDSinPA]

Sounds exactly like my daughter, Carmen who is roughly the same age.

With her - giving advanced warning about the upcoming activities has helped tremendously. But to be honest, the issue does not and we should not expect it to completely disappear. Also, we used this tactic for months in order for things to gradually improve. We actually will describe a series of events and Carmen will repeat the steps herself. So for instance, if you're finishing up lunch say - we're going to eat, go potty, then get in the car and go to Target, then we are going to Aunt Sally's house. Then as you do them you can tick them off one at a time. After a month of doing this, Carmen would give us the rundown herself.

It looks like you have tried half a dozen techniques, so you may be adding to the anxiety. Stick with one technique for a month (not exaggerating) before throwing it out.

Blessings,
-Greg

[hbrown22]

I'm wondering if his lack of communication skills adds to his frustration. He has alot of individual words but still can't express himself or really tell me what he wants other than pointing. How should I handle this type of situation? Today, the kids and I ran into our realtors office so I could sign a paper. I was holding Jake when we walked in and he was all happy and waving and saying hi to the receptionist. Well, I had to put him down to sign the paper and then he stArted crying. The receptionist was like, "oh poor thing! What's the mAtter?" I just wanted to be like, lady he just needs to take a big chill pill. So when I was done I picked him up again and he immediately stopped crying and we left out the door as he is happily saying bye bye to the lady. Jeesh talk about mood swings! I don't know if I should have picked him back up or not. He does this all the time too. If I make him walk at all it's the end of the world and then people look at me like why don't you pick up your kid? It's because then I'd always be carrying him. I know that's kind of a separate issue but I think they're linked because if I carry him everywhere and from one transition to another he won't cry. I have lost 15 lbs in the past couple months worrying and carrying him around, not that is such a bad thing but still! Thanks for letting me unload my feelings here. You guys are truly the only ones who understand. I should probably sAy to that he has been home almost a year. I'm sure it's nothing too much to worry about but DD who is almost 5 is sooooo easygoing and it's hard not to compare. It's like one extreme to another but I'm starting to realize she is more not the norm in that she is just a really awesome kid. Kind of hurts my ego a little thinking I had so much to do with that. Maybe not so much!

[robandjulie]

We have an older VERY easy 4yo DD and a tantruming, controlling, whining whack-a-doodle 2 year old, so I feel your pain!

What the other posters have suggested sound great. For me, the immediate whining/crying at any lack of control makes me want to shove my own head into the wall. A few things that have helped:

1. When DS goes to whining I tell him I can't understand whiney and he'll have to find his big boy voice. I sit (sort of) patiently with him until he finds his big boy voice and expresses himself as best he can. This can take ages, but it was so worth it. Note that I do NOT abandon him or ignore him or isolate him; I just tell him I can't understand him when he's so whiney. He has decent expressive language so this works for us b/c I know he CAN do it, he just has to get past the knee jerk reaction to whiiiine.

2. As for the holding, DS is the same way. I tell him I will always always always hold him anytime he akss and if my hands are full or I'm driving or something I'll hold him as soon as I can do it safely. I also just walk around and scoop him up sometimes in the middle of him being happily playing. I'll snuggle him a second and then he'll ask to be put back down which is fine. With DD we held her constantly and she knew that as the normal state of being and had to ask for and seek independence rather than asking for and seeking cuddles. We're trying to get there with DS. If I'm holding him and have to set him down I try to give a clear explanation: I have to do "X" and then I'll pick you right back up.

3. To help get rid of the whiney voice sometimes we have him "blow out his whineys". It started with me giving him a pretend balloon; now when we tell him to blow out his whineys he gets his own pretend balloon out of his own pocket. He blows and blows and blows and after about 5-6 blows the grownup starts going "uh oh...uh-oh...POP!!!" and we all laugh and move on.

Good luck!

[SKL]

Originally Posted by hbrown22

. . . but DD who is almost 5 is sooooo easygoing and it's hard not to compare. It's like one extreme to another but I'm starting to realize she is more not the norm in that she is just a really awesome kid. Kind of hurts my ego a little thinking I had so much to do with that. Maybe not so much!

I know what you mean and totally sympathize. I know comparing isn't really fair and all that, and I've been reminded of that repeatedly every time I mention a comparison. BUT . . . it's hard to really, deep-down believe that child B is normal if she's light-years behind child A. Because subconsciously, our own kids and experiences inform our "baseline expectations."

It doesn't mean we don't unconditionally love each child and truly value their unique gifts, which all kids have. But we worry sometimes.

On the substance of your latest post - you mention that you wonder if it would be best if you didn't pick him up when he cries. Personally, I would usually pick him up, but also work on getting him to understand that he needs to get better at staying down by himself. Perhaps the best way to do this is to really praise him when he actually does go down/stay down without a fuss - even if it's really not an accomplishment under the circumstances. Eventually you could introduce rewards for being good about this for a period of time.

Good luck again!

[mevertin]

My 27 month old wants to be carried all the time!He is almost 30 pounds so he is no small load. If I try to take his hand and walk with him he screams and wraps himself around my legs so I can't walk unless I shake him off and run and that looks really good -screaming toddler, mom carelessly shrugging him away. I carry him a lot just because I don't want to deal with the screaming.

As for your little guy's anxiety issues, it may be very well attachment related, but at the same time you need to deal with the behavior and live your life. For some of my students we have been very successful using pictures with kids to help with transitions.Although Jake may have the language to understand his anxiety or stress may make it hard for him to process. Getting a visual cue along with the verbal may help him process the info. You could make a bunch of pictures on the computer or use your camera and take pictures of common places you go or common activities. You can put the photos in a cheap photo album or put velcro on the back and stick them on a piece of tagboard. Every morning or before an outing you could show Jake the pictures of where you are going and what you are doing and talk to him about the schedule for the day. He could hold the album or pictures giving him some control. You can even make an extra set of pictures for Jake to have to look at and talk about without actually being in the situation. I know it sounds like a lot of work, but it may be help somewhat. We have had lots of success with some of these things in my classroom.
Mary
mom to Bobby 12, Bridget 11, Angela 9, Eddie 4 (home in 2005) and Naldo 2 (home Feb. 08)

[JillnChris]

I haven't read through all the other posts so sorry if this is repetative. Does he have a transitional object like a blanky or favorite toy? If he does, then great, take that with you everywhere you go. If not, get him one! Figure out what toy he is most attached to and encourage him to take it with him as his "comfy" or whatever name you want to give it.

I want to tell you that this is just a stage and he'll grow out of it which very likely could be the case. But based on everything you have posted over time I would consider consulting an attachment therapist.

Hope things work out. Keep us posted!

eta: I just read your second post and this reminds me a lot of how Eva was at that age. She has gotten a lot better in the past couple of months I think because she understands more. It seemed like she was always scared that I was going to leave her somewhere so now I just tell her "Mommy is not going to leave you here" and then she is usually fine. So maybe he was scared you were going to leave him at the realtors office. If you have to put him down sometimes and he cries it's okay, he will survive. Don't pay attention to those nasty looks the other mom's give you! Just know that this is normal behavior and he will grow out of it eventually.