[celticsunshine06]

I found out today that my daughter's first mom is 8 months pregnant. (Had a successful search for her in April this year.) My daughter also has a sister who is 2 years older. I'm feeling very teary about this pregnancy. The family is extremely poor - how can they afford another baby? And the other thought is my girl will have another sibling that she will not grow up with. I know this situation is not unique by any means. I've talked with a couple close friends about it, but I don't think they get it. I would love for someone to get it and then explain it to me! ;-)

If your child's first mother has had children after your's, how have you felt?

~Eva

[audreysmom]

It's my understanding that birth control is not readily available there and even if it is, it may not be financially feasible. My daughter has 8 biological siblings, but I really don't think it's my business how many children my child's BMom has had prior to or after giving birth to my daughter. God will provide siblings for her here in our family.

[dance_muffin]

Family planning and birth control are not readily available or affordable.

Please look to the positive side of this situation; you have had a successful search. Your dd may be able to meet her birth mom and siblings one day in the future.

If possible, can you send/set up thru searcher some kind of aid for the family. I'm sure you and your dd's birth family would both benefit from sending aid.

[krafmatic]

Not only is birthcontrol not available or affordable, it often is opposed to for religious/cultural reasons. In addition to that the most affordable means of contraception involve the cooperation of the man...something that is often lacking for cultural reasons ("machisimo")

[b_fettes]

We have met the subsequent siblings and it has been very positive. I see it as their business and every child is a blessing to the world regardless of the situation. I do worry how our kids will react when they are older to having been 'placed' whilst others remained with the families. Otherwise I am glad that we know all the siblings who are all so wonderful.

[celticsunshine06]

Thanks for your input. I understand about the lack of birth control. I imagine birth control isn't even a consideration a lot of the time. I probably didn't explain myself well - I am by no means judging her. She and I have communicated a fair amount in the past few months and she has shared with me some of her despair with the struggle just to have food and clean water. I'm helping with milk and groceries through my wonderful searcher. I am glad to help. Many women in Guatemala have so few choices. I don't know, maybe it's just bringing the situation nearer to me. I ache for her. Thanks for listening.

~Eva

[busterleroy]

I understand what you mean...it feels like there is another missing link in your child's life. Bless you for sympathizing with the struggles birth families often face, I know how their challenges can present powerful emotions for forever families far away.

I am so happy you are able to help the birth family!!!

I will pray that our wonderful God who has blessed them with another child will provide for them as well.

[Slatond10]

I am so happy u located bmom and family. It is awesome timing that you can be there to assist her thru the searcher in her time of need.

I think I "get it" but from a different source than DD's birthfamily rather my own extended family. Nephew and his wife have 4 children all removed by DSS and being raised by x-SIL. ( this is a really bad situation and my heart breaks for these children). Everytime NIL got pregnant again I felt a STRONG pull to be more involved and a tug @ my heart. There is a connection to the birthfamily as well as my extended family and we want to take care of things. And sometimes it is not w/in our "control" to take care of it!

I think what you are doing is wonderful. I will pray that you can find peace w/ the only role you can have in this situation.

(((HUG)))

[Devora]

I ache for her.

I understand this feeling. Shortly before we brought our son home my girlfriends held a "blessing way" for me which is a time to gather with other women in your life and reflect and celebrate on the transitions that are about to take place before adopting or giving birth to a child. At the start of it we each talked about our mothers, grandmothers or other women who had nurtured us in our lives and whom we look to as models for parenting our own children. After doing this I lit a candle for each of my grandmothers. Then I lit a candle for my son's mother. I remember trembling and tears pouring down my face as I said her name. I could barely speak it because I was so overcome with feeling for her. It's hard to name exactly what the feelings were -- respect, admiration, compassion were all a part of it but it really was unlike anything I've ever felt in my life. I'm not as emotional now when I think of her or when I write letters to her. But it is still impossible to describe the bond I feel to her.

I'm so glad you are in contact and are able to offer some support. It might seem like a drop in the bucket, but anything you can do to help provide basic necessities like food for her family does make a difference. You can't give her the comfortable life you wish she had, but you are doing something meaningful.

[lzriggles]

My older daughter had a 2 year old brother at the time of her adoption and less than a year later a younger sister who was adopted by another family. The following year a younger brother was born and the birth family stepped up to keep the baby in the family in Guatemala. From what I understood this was in large part because the baby was a boy. I had the wonderful, humbling opportunity to meet my daughter's birth mother and have very warm, protective feelings about her. On the other hand, it's hard to think about how it might make my daughter feel one day to know that her birth family did raise the children born before and after her.

[JillnChris]

I don't know if my daugthers birth mother has had more children (I don't think she has) although I wouldn't be suprised because I know she is married now. I think the first thing that would come to mind is sadness for my daughter. I would worry that dd would think that she was unwanted and that something was wrong with her. It would be pretty hard to explain to a child why they have older and younger siblings who get to grow up with their birth family but she didn't.
There are so many different emotions that go along with adoption and those that haven't gone through it really cannot relate. I don't even try to talk to my friends and family about things because I know they won't understand. That's what this forum is for!

[loveajax]

My husband is the fifth of six kids his birth mom had. He and his birth sister (who was fourth) were both adopted. He said he "understands" but even as an adult it was kind of hard for him to "process" this.

Ironically, my DD is a middle placed child as well. She has an older and younger birth sister (same birth mom and dad). When I found out DD's birth mom was pg again, I was riled by it. I kept thinking, "how will DD feel about this?" I worried about her sense of rejection. But it's really out of our control and all we can do is be supportive.

The other thing I worry about is DD feeling a sense of either "loss" of not being with her birth siblings or even perhaps "guilt" because they face a lot more challenges than she does. It's so complicated!


You sound like a very nice person and a great mom!

[celticsunshine06]

Wow - thank you for putting your support and experiences into words for me. You all "do" get it - like I knew you would. A couple of you mentioned the concern of the family keeping other children (both before and after) yet giving your child in adoption. It will be difficult for a child to understand. And will my daughter feel guilt that she hasn't had to face the hard life of her first family?

Slatond said another truth - I do want to help take care of the situation for the birth mom but that isn't feasible or even right. Yet I do feel a bond with her - how can I not? ;-)

I need to not take too much into myself and do what I am able for them and focus on raising the sweet little miracle of my life.

Thanks again - you guys really helped.

~Eva