[Aveasmom]

I just don't get it. Our agency adopted out the sibling sister to Avea. They "SAY," they have contacted them to let them know we would like to get to know them.

WHat I am asking is, why wouldn't someone want their child to know their bio sister?

I don't get it. Anyone on here Not want to meet the siblings?

Just pondering on this as we approach our forever family day tomorrow.

Cardona Hernandez???

[lzriggles]

Hi there,

I had a strange experience with regard to my daughter's bio sister. I was unable to adopt the baby sister of my daughter born less than a year later. My agency called to ask if I was willing to talk with the woman who planned to adopt the baby. "Absolutely!" I said. I figured I would do everything I could to keep that connection alive. I already had enough guilt about not being able to raise the girls together. Anyway, long story short, I responded to the woman's phone message...we talked at length about my daughter...what I knew of the girls birthmother, etc., etc. She expressed how close she was with her own sister and thought it important that girls could connect and know each other, etc., etc. After the baby's adoption she just went completely cold. I wrote a few emails (not wanting to be pushy but congratulating her on the baby's homecoming, etc. which I had learned from our common agency) but heard nothing back from her. I wrote a third email and attached some pictures and she wrote back a curt response that was something like "You keep taking pictures of your kid and I'll take pictures of mine. The girls can take it from there someday if they want to. Goodbye."

I was floored. I have asked friends, folks at our agency, etc., to try to gain insight. I don't understand. I wrote an angry reply at first and then decided that I needed to keep myself in check since this was ultimately not about me but about my daughter. I needed to not do anything that could jeapordize her ability to have a connection with this sister someday. So, I wrote one last email saying that I really didn't know how all of this was supposed to go. That I hadn't really thought through much of the things that can come with adoption, i.e., siblings. And I admitted that my daughter was too young to understand any of it at that point (she was 2 at the time) and frankly I didn't know when the time would be right to broach the subject. I went on to say a little about what I hadn't assumed: that we would be one big happy family; that we would spend holidays or summers together; that I would be some sort of special "Auntie" to her daughter.

Anyway, I don't know if I'll ever know or understand. It makes me sad for my daughter but a wise friend has reminded me that time has a way of changing things, softening things. Perhaps someday it will be different. Or maybe time will finally bring these girls to the brink of womanhood when we as parents won't have the last say.

Sigh, it's difficult at best. I hope your request to connect with the other family is met with more openness!

[LisaF]

I adopted my daughter when she was 10. She had been the "mom" to her youngest sibling, then age 4 who was still with birth mom. I found out 4 years later that the sister had also been adopted by a family in the U.S. Initially, we made contact and talked frequently, then the sisters amom decided the girls shouldn't communicate because it brought up too many memories for the her daughter. My daughter was and still is devastated, 3 years later. She wants to know that her sister is safe and happy. It has been really hard and she plans on searching for her sister when her sister turns 18. I just don't understand how some people feel like they can deny their kids' history and take away bonds that were formed long before we came in to the picture.

Mom to 5...2 U.S. 1 Guatemala and 2 Brazil

[DDAmasa]

The situation hasn't come up with me and my son, but I do know he has an older brother somewhere. I'm not sure what I would do, part of me feels that we're building our own family here and don't really need outsiders intruding. I think I would need to speak with, and perhaps meet, the other family a few times first to see what they were like, if they were the sort of people I would want in my son's life, how they're raising their child, if they fit in with our values and lifestyle, if they were people we could be friends with and enjoy spending time with at least occasionally. Just having adopted his bio sibling probably wouldn't be a good enough reason for me to agree to bring them and their child into my son's life. And I can't see the point of just letting the children meet once or twice and not going further with the relationship. But I would definately want the contact info for my son to have when he got older.

I think it's a very complicated issue and I can understand both sides.

[mksilvermoon]

we are in the same situation with DD - she has an older bio-sister living in USA - her parents do not want contact at present - we are hoping that time may change this and if it does not then DD can make contact once they are older - in the end it is all about them and not about us but some people just don't think in that way

MK

[Devora]

This was recently a point of extensive discussion on the Yahoo listserve for people interested in searching for birth/first families. There were many painful stories as well as happy ones and lots of great insights. You might want to join that listserve and read back through the archives -- the discussion was just a few weeks ago.

From that discussion what I learned was that many things can go into this kind of decision ---
* one family is open about adoption and the other isn't
* one adoptive family having negative attitudes toward the birth/first parents while the other adoptive family has positive attitudes
* one adoptive family having or wanting contact with the birth/first parents and the other adoptive family not wanting contact
* one adoptive family being very reflective and open about how adoption may affect their child while the other adoptive family wants to raise their child as if adoption is irrelevant
* an adoptive family struggling with transitions, attachment, parenting or family issues, divorce, etc. and wanting to hide their problems from the other adoptive family and/or from the agency if they used the same agency
* having very different values, parenting styles, and/or lifestyles
* personality clashes
* assuming both families have the same expectations about contact and then there's a conflict when it turns out that their expectations are actually different
* unresolved grief around infertility
* one family actively maintaining ties to Guatemala and their child's heritage while the other family thinks it's irrelevant

There's no doubt it's painful to the family and child who wants contact. It's also a reminder to the entire adoption community that even though we all love our children we don't all have the same ideas about what it means to be an adoptive family. There are some radically different views on many core issues such as reasons to adopt, when and how to share information with children, openness around adoption, contact with birth/first families, maintaining cultural connections, etc. Although it's the extreme end of the spectrum, I do know of internationally & transracially adoptive parents who don't plan on telling their children they are adopted unless the children ask. I can't imagine being able to bridge that kind of gulf. More common, I think, are people who don't actively hide the fact of adoption but who aren't really open about it either versus those who are very open and comfortable talking with their children about it. These kinds of differences are reflected here on this discussion board and elsewhere. The stories I've heard of families where one wants contact with siblings and the other one doesn't usually have these kinds of core differences.

[Mommy K]

Some benefits of having a connection of a genetic sibling would include that you are demonstrating that you value your child's birth heritage and it will also assist with identity questions down the road.

Another benefit is the sharing of common medical information.

The way this would fit into the family dynamic is a personal choice. I am a firm believer of explaining things such as this to my children from a young age, in an age appropriate way.

Even though it may seem scary now to have contact-I am sure that your children will love you for trying to have this connection later on regardless if connection continues. This tells them they matter.

[mommytoEli]

a few years back when the younger sibling to my middle child was born, we were contacted to adopt the new little one. the case worker actually said to us that we were VERY lucky....they typically didn't track down siblings (even though they all say they will), they usually just place the new baby. BUT, the judge on a's case happened to be married to an adoption worker, and so he is VERY pro-sibling. he yelled at the sw's for not contacting us and said this child has so many siblings he will never live with, that he ought to have the opportunity to live with one. hence, our call. but blow my mind that putting them together wasn't the original plan.

i have a hard time with this bc as an adoptive family, we say genetics don't matter. but it DOES. i think it is awesome that our 2 guys have been put together. had they been seperated i most absolutely would have wanted contact with the other family, and would have been heart broken to find out they didn't want it.

my heart breaks for you...

i agree with devora, i think the devides come down to our core beliefs about adoption. i believe that other family probably thinks they are doing what is in the best interest of their child.

[Mommy K]

I was also thinking about this too, a tricky part would be for some families with more than one child-to try and explain this so your other children who do not have bio-sib's don't feel insecure or left out.

I would personally seek professional advice on how to handle my other children so they continue to feel secure as well in this scenario, becuase I would never hold back one child-but it is a sensitive situation.

[PackGirl]

Well we were blessed to be able to adopt all three of our kids who are sibs... we have one that is not... In all honesty though, right now... it doesnt matter. It may later on.... I dont know.... but as far as we know, there have not been any more sibs relinquished...

As to why people would not want contact... I know some people who wouldnt... their reasoning is that it is THEIR child... and they dont want to share with others... they dont want to be judged on their parenting... they dont want to be held to obligations... they may have differing views on the country, the family, etc...

Personally, I believe it is a dis-service to the kids to keep them from their siblings... in my opinion... it is due to the discomfort of the parents... not the kids... I as an adult should be able to put discomfort behind me and be able to process it....
Hopefully these families that do not want sibling contact will be able to see beyond the immediate...and will reach out one day....

jmo

[krafmatic]

I'm not sure when the sibling came home...or if the family has recently adopted again, but the reason could be that the family is just overwhelmed right now, and once things settle down in their life they will make contact. I know that when we brought Ian and Gave home that it was 9 months before we really did anything that was not vital to the survival of our family. Between the physical, mental and psychological state of the boys we were on strict survival mode. I didn't have time to really do much else...particularly if it was emotional (which I am sure this would be).

Try not to be too judgemental, you never know what is going on the other family's life right now. Give it time and maybe try again.

[Quesita]

Yeah. I'm hoping the family who adopted Liana's half brother is open to contact. I have a small family. I would like Liana to have as much family as possible, and if a bio half brother with whom we exchange emails and maybe visit every few years can become part of that family, it would mean a lot to me.

Devora, excellent, insightful post. You raised issues I had not even thought about. And if the family is not interested in contact, I will study your post again.