[joyloo]

Yesterday was Mario's preschool orientation. While we were there we met one of the teacher's aides who shared with us that she adopted both of her daughters from China. While DH was telling her about our experience with Mario's adoption he slipped up and called Mario's birthmom Mario's mother. I kindly corrected him, but this is not the first time he has done this. Later that night we were talking about it and he told me that he doesn't understand why I make such a big deal out of it. It's just a " word ". When I told him that it hurts me and that if Mario could hear ( which he did ) it might confuse him. DH still refuses to see what he did wrong and thinks I'm making too big of a deal out of it. Has anyone had a similar experience? I don't know what to say to make him understand. I wouldn't be upset if he realized what he said was wrong but he refuses to admit to any wrongdoing. What would you say to make someone understand?

[MamaS]

I would say "If you refer to my son's birthmother as his 'mother' again, I will whomp you upside the head with a baseball bat!"
Do you wonder why I am single? LOL

[joyloo]

lol!!! I like you answer! Maybe electric shock therapy would be less messy. Give him a little jolt each time he slips up? Thanks for the laugh.... I needed it!

[kerriv]

It's one thing that your DH doesn't respect your wishes. However, I think your child will understand. I always refer to my children's birth mothers as their mothers when talking to them and others. We just talk about the fact that while most people only have one mom, they each have two.

[mksilvermoon]

like Kerriv said - I have no difficulty with the thought that my daughter has more than one mother - and I don't want her to feel that it is an either/or situation, but a 'both' kind of thing ...

that said, the issue of your husband not really 'getting' how you are feeling about this is something to be talked about deeply, because that does matter - 'getting' why something hurts your partner (even if it might not hurt you) is an important part of connecting/relating IMHO - he does need to try harder to understand what you are feeling, so if you could sit down and talk with him about it, that might help?

mk

[robandjulie]

Originally Posted by mksilvermoon

like Kerriv said - I have no difficulty with the thought that my daughter has more than one mother - and I don't want her to feel that it is an either/or situation, but a 'both' kind of thing ...

that said, the issue of your husband not really 'getting' how you are feeling about this is something to be talked about deeply, because that does matter - 'getting' why something hurts your partner (even if it might not hurt you) is an important part of connecting/relating IMHO - he does need to try harder to understand what you are feeling, so if you could sit down and talk with him about it, that might help?

mk

Agreed. I actually just use "mother" to refer to all three of J's moms: me, his birth mother, and usually his foster mother who raised him from birth to 19 mos (well, she USUALLY gets the qualifier of "fostermother" but sometimes we just call her mama). We can all figure out who's who and I don't worry about it. We're all his mothers in our own special roles; but I'm his mom/mommy and that is MY title.

But if the term "mother" is also one you want to reserve for your special title then perhaps that's something that needs to be more clear to DH. Maybe birthmom doesn't flow for him in a natural way or he has a mental block against it and he needs another acceptable term that feels more natural to him like "first mother" or "Guatemalan mother" or something...?