[jjsmom2b]

Hello all,

I was able to meet my daughter's birth family (mother and brother) during our pick up trip in January 2007. She said she was open to future communication; however soon after that she moved and I couldn't find her for awhile. I'm very happy to say that with the help of one of the searchers, I was able to find her a couple of months ago. We have been in contact twice since then (through the searcher) and I have found out that she also has another daughter who is 9 months old.

My DD is 3 1/2 years and I am very open with her about her "birth story" and if you ask her where she is from, she will proudly tell you "Guatemala!" Also, from the pictures we have up at home, she likes to say that I held her in Guatemala when she was a baby.

So now my question.....since she has an older and younger sibling, does anyone have any suggestions on how to explain why she was placed for adoption, but the other siblings were not? I honestly don't know if her birth mom would have placed her younger sister for adoption if that would have been an option at the time; however either way, it is not something my DD would understand (the current situation in Guatemala) at her age. I know that I will be getting the question someday of "why do I live here when my brother and sister are still in Guatemala?"

Has anyone else dealt with a similiar situation? Any good advice?

Thank you in advance!

Janel

[Devora]

I can just say what was suggested during our pre-adoption classes: "Your mother/parents couldn't take care of a baby when you were born." Personally, I've added for our son: "She/they decided that the best way to take care of you at that time and to make sure you had everything you needed to be healthy was to let you be a part of our family."

If questions are raised about older siblings: taking care of an older child is very different than taking care of a newborn/baby.

If questions are raised about younger siblings: sometimes the circumstances a person is in change. There must have been something different when the younger child was born that made it possible to take care of a baby then.

The key: it's not about your child. We were specifically advised not to say that the parent "couldn't take care of you"....rather, it was about the idea of any baby. We haven't actually had this discussion yet. My son knows he has three older siblings in Guatemala but he hasn't asked any of the "why" questions yet. But this advice really makes sense to me.

[ej-momtobe]

If you don't know, just tell her you don't know the answer. (allowing her to express her thoughts on the subject.) Maybe you can tell her that someday she will be able to ask the bmom if she wants.

[brink]

In our daughter's case, she has one older and two younger siblings. When our daughter was born, her birth mother was not married and couldn't care for a baby and also a toddler and still keep her job. There were also reasons she was concerned for a daughter's safety more than a son's, which I will discuss much later in our daughter's life, when she can understand such things. She was placed at a hogar around 18months, when these two issues were of great concern for her birth mother. The younger siblings are from another father, so her situation changed at some point. I know more details as to the real issues, but how I explain it now is that she couldn't keep her job once she had another baby to care for. She did the very best she could, found a very safe place for her daughter, and then later chose to free her legally to be adopted, so she could have access to an education, good medical care, better nutrition than the birth mother knew she could provide. I suspect that often situations change, as jobs are gained or lost, as there are no services (social services, food stamps, etc) available to help women provide for their children until they can get back on their feet after difficulties arise. Then things might improve, after a child is placed, and with little access to birth control, more children arive. There's also probably explanations which we'd all have difficulty explaining to our children, knowing birth mothers are very often paid to relinquish, resulting in enough for them to then care for subsequent children and the ones already in their homes. We can't begin to understand or explain when it comes right down to it. I just stress that our childrens' birth mothers did the very best they could to help insure that they would receive all they needed to grow up healthy and safe.

[nannyisme2004]

There are many siblings in my DD's birth family. We are very open about her adoption plan, etc. But I have not touched on all the siblings in Guatemala. Some of those sibblings have kids of their own. She is almost 6 yrs old. I still have not finished her lifebook so it has not been addressed yet. There are still days where my DD tells me she wants to go live with her foster family and wants me to come too. For my DD she is not emotionally ready to hear about sibs. But I like what Vevora said and am going to use that.