[amylynn3]

Ok...I just have to vent this one out and then I think I will be fine.

Recently, we were at my in-laws house for swimming and dinner. One of my SILs announces that she is pregnant with her fourth child. The pregnancy was a shock to them and not planned. My SIL is not real excited about being pregnant again...she is excited about the child...just not the pregnancy. I also want to add that to date, all of her pregnancies have been pretty typical with no major issues.

So, we were all playing cards and having a good evening when my SIL was complaining about being pregnant and follows it up with "We should just do it the easy way, like Amy and Matthew (that's me and my husband)". So, basically she is saying that adoption is the "easy way" to have kids.

I was a bit lost for words at first, and fortunately another SIL responded initially basically saying that adoption is not the "easy way". I finally said a few things to point out how adoption is not "easy" such as watching your baby grow up in photos and my hubby pointed out the financial strain.

This is a first from my hubby's side of the family, so it came as a bit of a surprise. I know she didn't mean to be hurtful in any way, but I was still taken by surprise. I think once she said it and my SIL, my hubby and me replied she felt bad about saying it.

Thank you for letting me vent.

[angieandstever]

Hugs Amy. Unfortunately, I think a lot of people who haven't adopted think it is the easy way. Although adoption being "easy" wasn't one of them, I had a lot of ideas about adoption before we did it too and I was wrong! They just have no clue! We understand though! Go ahead and vent away.

[SKL]

There are times when I think giving birth is the "easy way," until someone like my mom reminds me . . . . The grass is always greener on the other side!

When I get silly comments like that, I just keep reminding myself how ignorant I was about adoption, before I started researching for my own.

[annaguat]

I think it is typical for people to think adoption is easy untill they have tried to adopt. We have a larger family (14 children) and we get that comment all the time. My pregnancies were no piece of cake but in our case they were easier then any of the adoptions. People are surprised to find out I feel that way. It sounds like your sil did not really mean any ill with her statement it was just how she saw it. I think the grass is greener on the other side is a good reminder for both sides. I have learned to smile and just ignore unless people keep going on the subject. I know it does make me sad and reminds me of some sweet little ones we lost in our adoption journey. No for us adoption has not been easy either. )))))Hugs((((((( Anna

[Fatcat]

People just say silly things sometimes without thinking and without meaning anything by it. I know I have spoken before thinking many, many times, unfortunately.

[robandjulie]

Before adoption I might have said something similar. I know last month we were at my niece's 6th bday party and another parent had an 11 day old there and a few of us were talking about those newborn days which I experienced with DD but missed (and miss terribly) with DS. A cousin said she wouldn't mind another child but would prefer if they came at about 18 mos b/c she didn't like the newborn phase. "Ha! Like what you did with Jorge. That's the way to do it!" I told her that I would trade an arm to have those 18 mos with him and she looked embarrased, but truly that's a sore subject with me.

And having done both (with a fairly easy pregnancy other than the sciatica and a short completely drug-free labor) I can say without a doubt for me pregnancy & labor was a world easier. No comparison. And parenting a newborn was way easier than parenting an angry hurting 18 month old stranger who I STILL don't fully understand after a year. Nope, anyone claiming we took an easy way out would likely get a pretty raw answer from me.

[shanpine]

Sending hugs also. I agree that it was probably an innocent remark....I think that unless you've been through it yourself (no matter how close you are to someone else going through it) you JUST DON"T GET IT. I remember when my SIL had #3 and friends lined up and brought her dinner for almost 4 weeks. I made a comment about how awesome that was, and she said something like "See....you just have to have a third and then dinner is great!" She meant it to be funny....but at that point we had just been kicked out of PGN AGAIN and i was devestated. I replied, "I am trying" and got off the phone as quickly as possible. I later found that she called a mutual friend, crying, because she felt so bad about what she had inadvertantly said.
Point being.....I know it hurts. I'm sorry you had to hear that....but I think it was an innocent mistake.
Hugs again....

[stephjoel99]

People who have never adopted think it's "easier" - I did (had 3 kids biologically before we decided to adopt). Boy did I go through baptism by fire once our adoption started and found out how freaking hard it is!

I think you did the right thing in letting your SIL know that it's *not* easy - but the reality is, until someone's taken a walk in your shoes, it's hard for them to know your struggles. (just like you thought being pregnant/giving birth was the "easy" way).

[JosieWales]

Uh, yeah...pregnancy and birth was WAYYYY easier than living for 9 months w/o my Owen at home. And NO, well-meaning collegues, just because a pregnancy is 9 months and Owen came home at 9 months, it WAS NOT the same thing. Ian could not have come home those first 9 months after conception. Owen was born, alive, wiggling, and from day 1 could have been in my arms.

That said, I don't think she meant anything by it.

[naca]

My own sister (we are not super close anyway) said something similar regarding my children. At a funeral my dad was introducing me to a highschool friend of his and said "This is my youngest- she has six kids" to which my sister piped in with well yeah but 4 of them were the easy way so they dont count. I did make sure to inform her & anyone else that I'd much rather push out an 8lb baby than go thru the ups & downs of foster/adoption any day ! People just don't think sometimes.

[amylynn3]

Thanks for all of your comments. I know she didn't mean anything hurtful by her comment, it just surprised me coming from her.

Anyway, I also wanted to share that I received a sincerely apologetic e-mail from her yesterday regarding her comment. I was very touched and appreciative of the time she took to do that.