[blminter]

my adoption journey began in 2005. like so many i was very fortunate to bring my daughter home at 6 months of age. i love babies. very soon afterwards, i knew i wanted to adopt again. finances, etc, delayed this a little until guatemala was all but closed.

i felt led to go through another central american country. long story short, i'm coming up on 2 years since i did my home study. i have been approved by the country, but due to my age and some things i've learned about the country since i sent my dossier, i highly doubt i'll get another infant. i think the child will be 18-24 months at best.

my dream was another baby. i wondering if i misjudged my journey (if you know what i mean). before i get an lot of ugly posts about the value of older children-i totally agree.

i will have to make a decision-relatively soon-about a child older than i originally thought.

just looking for some objective advice-especially if you found yourself in my situation with your your second adoption.

suggestions? advice? support?
thanks!

[becky]

I think what you have to decide is whether it's more important to you to raise a child from a central american culture or to raise a child from infancy.

I guess in the long-run it might be best for your other child to have a sibling of the same race or similar culture. But then again, it is also interesting to have lots of cultures represented in a family.

So...bottom line is what do you feel your heart is telling you to do??

If you really want an infant and you have some other option for being able to adopt an infant then do it.

Bottom line is you are going to love your child either way...so there really is no wrong decision.

[karen nickols]

My DH and I have two Guatlings. Out first home at 4 months. I love those babies too. The long timers here know that our 2nd adoption was slow and agonizing. We finally brought her home at 2years and 2 weeks. Yeah you do miss out on the sweet baby stuff. But somehow it is okay. I love where she is right now and feel like she has ALWAYS been here. I do "compensate" in little ways. I watch her sleep a lot and will pick here up to hold while she is sleeping. I wish you the best whatever you do. Blessing Karen

[dac_cincy]

Bug's referral was at 8 months old and he came home 21.5 months later.

In some respoects I did miss the baby years- but in others not so much.

I actually think it helped in many ways becuase he could more readily identify what his needs were, but his sense of loss was intense.

I would highly recommnd reading "Toddler adoption: A weavercraft story" if you have not done so previously.

Listen to your heart, let that be your guide.

Love to you,
Deb

[kathleenmag]

My Guatling was referred at 4 mos and the process took much longer than I had anticipated We brought her home at 20mos. I wish i could get back some of the baby time, but we are happy where we are. We have no point of reference she is our only DD. It is water under the bridge for us mourning the loss of an infant.
We are thankful and blessed everyday with our sweet girl.
Good luck on your decision. You know what is best for you and your fmily.

[ocracoke]

I guess my question is ... what is your concern? I understand you love the baby stage and you don't really want to miss it. But what are your specific concerns other then that about adopting a toddler?

Samantha

[robandjulie]

We have a bio DD so we had every bit of that baby stage. When we adopted DS we intentionally took a referral of an 8 month old rather than a newborn because the process was rather uncertain in time frame but very likely to close so we figured we'd rather take an older referral (8 mos and no birthmother disruption) than a newborn (presume higher risk of disruption on average which would mean no case at all if that was post 1/1/08) and just see what PGN gave us. He came home at 19.5 mos; we first met him at a year and visited again at 19 mos.

It was hard for us. Harder than I expected; harder than I have really ever talked about. He adjusted beautifully and has attached, by all measures, very well. His English is far above the average 2.5 year old now and he's just a great kid. He's silly and fun and loving and generous and patient (ish) and kind. He's affectionate and displays all the signs of a well-attached child. But none of that is enough if the parents are struggling to attach to him! DH is our SAHP and it took 9 months for him to feel attached to DS in any meaningful way. Honestly just tonight when I tucked him in was one of the first times that I felt that intense pull of my heart and sense of total parental devotion and pride. It's been mostly a sense of extended and very affectionate babysitting. We're getting there, and we'll get there, but it has taken us far longer than I ever expected.

I don't think it's about adoption vs. bio b/c I felt that same disconnect with DD for the first 5-6 weeks. The difference is that a baby (a) doesn't really see a difference between affectionate caregiving and fierce parental love which means less guilt and struggle with it and (b) the baby is mostly just pure need and fulfillment and not ALSO processing grief, jealousy, manipulation, tangible loss, etc. in ways that are hurtful or dangerous to those around them. Babies can't express themselves in ways that make you ANGRY, just FRUSTRATED. It was hard not to totally take DD's side when DS first came home--a stranger in our family--and was pulling her hair, biting her, biting us, etc. He was justifiably stressed and angry and on good days I could step back, see that, and parent him lovingly through it (and that in itself would promote more bonding from both of us) but on the bad days we just wondered what we were thinking. We read the Toddler Adoption book, websites about attachment, talked with friends from the psych and social work depts to get ideas, talked with our social worker and did everything we could to promote his attachment to us and that seems to have worked for him, but it was slower for us.

Reading that article posted today about the terminated adoption really struck a chord with me. It took 9-11 months for us to really start to find a groove here and the author basically made her re-adoption plan around that point and around this same age. We were no where near terminating--perhaps because we're just more stubborn? -- but if some of our darker days were her everyday I can empathize with her choice.

I don't want to scare you away from your potential child. I would encourage you to go for it if your heart is leading you to another child; but go with eyes open and with lots of support ready. I love DS and we're so thrilled that he is our son and we get to be his parents. But there are days I do wonder if we would have had an easier transition and attachment if we'd had those many months we missed from his life. Like others said, I often forget we missed that time. I was filling out a form for a dr. visit and accidentally marked that I'd had 2 pregnancies, forgetting for a bit that DS hadn't been born to me! It does stop mattering for the most part once they're home but I really do think it made our first year a lot harder emotionally than it might have been if he'd come home at 6-12 mos rather than 19.5.

Like others said, there are great books and resources and I suggest you familiarize heavily in advance. Games to play, stories to read, things to do around the house (put pics of you all as a family up throughout your home as soon as you can to make that image part of your perception of your family, for example, to promote your own bonding and provide a secure reference image for your child). Within a year it's all the same, in our experience, but that's a long hard lonely year if you don't have some support and resources.

[annaguat]

I think there is a big difference between bringing home a toddler versus an infant and robandjulie hit many points that come to my mind. If the child bonds well I think it will not matter but if not. And I do think you should be prepared for the if not as that is only fair to a toddler or older child coming home. I hope that if you do proceed the process will go as smooth as possible including the adjustment. I know our first adoption was the hardest. Our children were of kindergarten age. Now one would think older would equal harder but just over this last yr we added a 19 yr old male and 11 yr old female to the family and another 18 yr old male should come this month. Both DH and I are enjoying our new ones so much. I guess it just depends on how everyone is able to fit in. Anna

[crick]

Some things you might want to consider if your child will be a toddler...

1. Really important to consider taking off at least 6 months from your job if at all possible. The bonding you need to do with the child is really important, imo.

2. Remember that emotionally and in other ways too the child might be younger than his biological age. Keep reminding yourself of that and think about the ways you might need to adjust for that.

3. While you will have missed out on many firsts, life is full of firsts and you'll be there for those. It's okay to miss the ones you didn't have with your child, but try not to let it get you down so much that you forget to see the firsts you do and will have.

4. Throw out all "normal" raising your toddler books and go on your instinct with your child. So what if a 2 year old *should* be off the bottle, a paci, or whatever else. Baby him and know that for a little while at least, it's a good thing to do all those things.

Good luck in your decision!

[blminter]

thank you so much for all of your comments. it's been really helpful.
bonnie

[amyfk]

I just had dinner with a friend who is an adoptive parent of one from Vietnam. For whatever reasons( I cannot remember) she got her daughter when she was past the infancy stage. Since she missed that stage she wants a younger child. The govt. of the new country she is waiting for now has told her to be more open in terms of age and gender. She is somewhat disappointed as she wanted a younger one to start with this go around.
After hearing from her, Id say go with your heart and dont feel guilty about it. Only you know what feels right for you and your family. Dont let anyone second guess you.
Amy K, NJ

[ocracoke]

The reason I asked my earlier question is that some people have some very different reasons for not wanting older then then infant stage. I have several friends who just love babies and the thought of missing that stage is heart wrenching to them. I am not one of those people. When I started my adoption process I thought I wanted as young as possible. My home study was approved for 0-24 months. Just prior to turning in my dossier I realized I didn't really want a baby so I requested the 12-24 month range. My daughter was 18 months at referral and almost 21 months when I traveled to pick her up. I won't say my adjustment was easy but I think that hers was. She bonded quickly -- before we left Ethiopia and I was there only 6 days. She had some real grieving issues that we needed to work out in the first 3 months. She has some abandonment issues still. Just this morning I asked her to do something as I was opening the door and she begged me not to leave her. But now that we have been home 3 years (tomorrow) she is a happy healthy normal child. She is smart, full of energy, outgoing, fun loving kid. She is also stubborn, pig headed and a bit of a control freak but I think she gets those things from me. As a matter of fact I plan (with any luck) on adopting an even older child next time I adopt.

One of the things that strikes me as I watch my friends who have adopted infants is that while they have a clean slate (infant) they also have a lot of unknowns. And this is also true for bio children. They have been referred healthy infants only to find out later that these infants are actually not so healthy. They have dealt with low IQs, mental developmental delays, neurological disorders and many other things. I think some of the agencies were deceptive in the referrals but I think some just truly did not know because the infants were so young at referral that they babies had not passed enough developmental milestones to know if there were issues. At 18 months my daughter had passed many developmental milestones and so any delays or concerns would be seen. Was she walking? Was she talking? Gross motor skills? Fine motor skills? Normal growth progress? There was just more information there for me to understand how she was developing and progressing then if she had been an infant.

Of course all this come from the slant that I am not really a baby person so I do not really feel like I missed a lot. I also have the bias that I was placed with my adoptive family at age 7 years old. So take my opinion with a grain of salt.

Samantha