[Pipercub]

Okay, y'all. I'm emotionally handling this far better than I expected, but I just wanted to gauge my experience with some of you who have been there, done that. I made a really nice life book for our daughter when she came home. In a simple, age-appropriate way, it explains how she was born in Guatemala, about her first mother and her decision to place her with our family, etc. Our daughter turned three in June. In the past she has said things like "I love my first mama "X" (we call her by her first name). We say back "we love her too!" We strive to be very positive and upbeat. Even if she says something like "I miss X." We say back simple statements like "It's okay to miss her. We think about her too." We try to do alot of affirmation and let her talk about it when she wants to. She doesn't seem to have any anxiety over it. She is very matter-of-fact and will plainly state "X loves me. She wanted me to live in this family." Stuff like that. She really only asks to see her "Guatemala Book" about once a month and that is totally fine with me; we're trying to take our cue from her and also be wise about how we guide conversations with her.

Recently she's been testing out saying things to me like "I like my first mommy best." You might think she says this when she is upset, but she doesn't. She says it in pure innocence and total honesty (and at this point, likely not even fully knowing what she is saying). It seems to randomly occur to her and she blurts it out, not at all seeming to want to test what she can say. (or at least thankfully to date it hasn't been said that way.) Thanks to alot of resources I've read, while it does make me have a twinge of sadness when she says that, I can respect she is trying to process her story in her own way. So far I haven't reacted to those kinds of statements with anything other than hugs and telling her I am thankful for "X" and what a sweet little girl she is. I take it as a cue that she wants to talk about her story, though don't push it if all of a sudden she wants to talk about Tinker Bell. I remind myself that I'm the adult here and it's not all about me and or how the situation makes me feel; it's my job to help her develop her identity and feel good about who she is.

I'm thankful for the books written by children who joined families through adoption; I have felt several of the ones I have read are a good resource for me to remember how this experience feels from my daughter's perspective. But I don't want to totally ignore some of the painful twinges I have experienced (and will likely experience over the course of my life) when words are said that cut a little (even when not intended to). I am wondering if any of you have already encountered this sort of thing and what you do to privately work through your own emotions while simultaneously making sure your child's emotional needs are met. I've seen a few families where the parents got defensive about those emotions when their adopted children expressed them and I really don't want to be "that parent." I don't feel like I have to compete with X. But I'm not entirely sure what to do with the emotions I feel when certain statements are made. I'd love to read your thoughts! <3

[MamaS]

When she says "I like my first mommy best", respond with "I like YOU best!" with a big hug. Maybe she just needs the reassurance that she is first in your heart?

[waitingforIsabel]

It sounds like you are doing a beautiful job of helping her process her story! I remember when my ds was 3 and saw this beautiful woman on a train and he said, I wish she was my mama- I was completely floored and hurt and had to fight back the tears. It does sting, even when you can rationalize it. You are human after all! I like MamaS's response of hugging her and saying I love you best. It affirms that you do love her and reassures her that your love is unwavering. I admire how you have handled this so far! I think it is just one part of the beautiful package of adoption

[lzriggles]

Hi there,

I think you're handling things beautifully with your daughter!

I think it's natural to feel a bit hurt or sad when she says she likes her first Mom best. Though she might not fully understand what it all means at this young age you know that the day might come when she does understand pretty well and she might say it then too. It's that anticipation/anxiousness about what's down the road that can get to me at times.

In these times I try to remind myself that it's not unlike the child of divorce who sees the (more) absent parent as a hero. (One celebrity told the story of living with both her parents but her father was an acoholic and abusive so she told herself and some friends that he wasn't her real father.) High on a pedestal or at least much more appealing these people can be in their minds because they're not there for the daily-ness of life when rules or bedtimes need to be followed and consequences are meeted out, etc.

I have heard from friends who were adopted that these feelings ebbed and flowed throughout their growing up years. It is a unique challenge for adoptive families...melding the importance of heritage by birth into the fabric of forever families.

I haven't used the term "Mom" when talking to my two girls (4 & 2 years) so far. I decided early on that I didn't like the notion that there were a number of mothers you could have. But, as I'm sure happens to most of us, the theoretical decisions I made as a prospective adoptive parent sometimes don't hold up as I live with my children and watch them grow, change and learn about their world.

Thanks for your post. I really love the language you use to talk about your daughter's first family.

Best wishes!

[loveajax]

I think you are handling things wonderfully as well!! And I totally agree with the previous posters. It's OK to feel "stung" sometimes. DD (who is 4) was asking some questions the other day, and I thought I was oh-so-prepared...yeah, right!! It's hard to know exactly what to say/do when these things come up, but I love how you are handling it!

[Jensboys]

I think its important for us as adoptive moms to realize that our kids processing their adoption story doesnt really have anything to do with US perse. They love us, its because we are THERE that they can express those emotions and feelings to us. I think I would be more concerned if she felt she could NOT talk about these things with you.

I remember once my son (around 8 or 9) was screaming at bedtime that his REAL MOM would let him stay up (or be nicer or something along those lines) and I could calmly (thank the Lord for adoption boards and books to prepare me) reply "All good moms make their kids go to bed" I realized then that it had nothing to do with ME being a good mom or a bad mom or even his adoptive mom -- it was just parenting.

You are handling things PERFECTLY ... her story is hers to own and process, and its normal for her to try to understand having two families and two moms, and one being absent. You could consider when she is "missing" her biological mother that she write her a letter (color a picture) ... and you can talk about the fantasy vs. the reality of her first mom. Reality is though, you are her mommy and its because you are such a good one she can come to you with this.

Good job.

[Devora]

I think you're doing a good job. I also really like what Jensboys had to say about it not being about you. I would also say that it might not even be about adoption. Don't get me wrong, I think it's very important that we're all open to listening to our children and to supporting them as they process the meaning of adoption in their lives -- and that we recognize that what it means for them will change over time and might include contradictory thoughts/feelings, even in the same moment.

However, many non-adopted children go through phases where they talk about how they wish they had a different mother, even fantasizing about what it would be like to live in a different family or saying that if they had a different mother she would/would not do fill-in-the-blank. It's not uncommon for "I'm going to find a new family" to be part of "I'm going to run away". All of this is very normal. The difference for our adopted children is that they really do have another family. So it's possible that the usual "other family" fantasies intermingle with the reality of adoption for them. So sometimes even when they talk about adoption it might not actually be about adoption. Again, I'm not saying we should dismiss when they do talk about adoption or their other families.

Also, remember that adoption is a complex thing to get your head around. Even I wonder what it means that my son has another family and we repeatedly have to think about what that means for us, about contact, about fostering connections, and about how we define our family. So it must be quite the process for a young child to try and piece it together. Some of the comments, even if they seem personal, might just be about trying to piece it all together. She might just be taking out a piece at a time and turning it over and studying it from lots of different angles to try and figure out where it fits.

[stephjoel99]

Mimi (3.5) has started to say "I want a new mommy" anytime she gets upset or doesn't get her way. She only started this after we *had* to expound on her "story" - my son (in a fit of nothing short of pure meanness) told her that her "real dad" was dead and that's why her mom didn't want her. He completely made that up and if he weren't in kindergarten I would have grounded him for 15 years..

Fortunately we heard him as they were talking in his room and my husband ran in there and got her - we immediately began talking about "x" her birthmom and how she loved her so much but she didn't have food, or diapers or bottles to give her so she called us up and asked us to come on the airplane to get her (the airplane was already part of her "story"). And then we started clapping and saying "Yay! We got to be together forever! Forever mommy! Forever Daddy! Forever Mimi! Hooray!" And because we were so excited and clapping, she did too, and then she changed the subject.

It was almost the next day that she started the "I want a new mommy" thing when she would get upset. I am wondering if it's because she thinks mommies just ditch you and she's doing a preemptive strike? So I just tell her "No, Mimi, I'm your forever mommy. Ever and ever. I'm sorry you're angry with me, but we're going to be together forever and I love you so much." (of course, now I worry that what if I die or something and sure as poo, another mommy has let her down)

It's hard to believe these *little* children could have so MANY really, really difficult and complex things that they are sorting out. And what blows me away the most - is that they seem to move so effortlessly b/w those really hard subjects and Mickey Mouse Club. I'm shell shocked for days after she says something that lets me know she's struggling. But then she's happily watching t.v. 2 minutes later seemingly oblivious.

[mksilvermoon]

i totally agree with Jensboys and Devora - you are handling it really well - the fact that your daughter feels secure enough to have these kind of 'conversations' with you is a great sign - you are supporting her beautifully on her journey to becoming her own person - and that is what a mum does

MK

[Pipercub]

I really, really appreciate your thoughtful responses and insights - thanks everyone!

[StefB]

My just-turned-3-year-old is processing these things right now, too. I am at times called "my new mommy," which doesn't feel so great. I've heard, "I'm so sorry, but I am going to Guatemala to live with my other mommy. I'll miss you, but..." And I've heard, "you are my ONLY mommy forever and ever." I'm surprised that I don't feel worse about some of this (just little pangs). It's so clear that she's just processing the monumental things that happened to her when she was tiny. It does seem, at times, that she is looking for major reassurance -- and I only know that because she reacts well to the reassurance. I also worry, like Stephjoel, about dying and letting her down despite my proclamations of "forever and always".

Skin color came up last night in the midst of all of this. She's not sure it's ok that we don't "match". I'm so glad we have lots of non-matching families in our lives to point out (many variations).

If this is 3, I wonder what 4 will hold?

Stefanie

[bhouston]

My little girl is 6 and 1/2 as she likes to say....never forget the 1/2!! She started processing her different skin color from us at 12 months....it has been an on going process....she started processing the whole...hey wait a minute...if my brothers came from your tummy...was I in someones tummy...at about 5...each time she asks for more information...and that seems to hold her for awhile...til she asks again...about something else...one day she told me...When I grow up I am going to move to Guatemala far away from you...and you wont see me anymore...I just smiled and said...I will love you no matter where you live sweetie...and that was that! She was like..oh okay....

I can see my daughter being VERY interested in the whole birthmom meeting....she will want to find out who this person is and when she finds out there are other siblings...there will be no stopping her!

I do think simple is better...keeping it simple and just not tons of detail she can not process right now...

Beth in Idaho