[shanpine]

One green plastic army guy.

One dumb little green plastic army guy.

That's all that's left.

There used to be hundreds....maybe even more.....all scattered everywhere throughout the house. They were some of the cheapest junkiest and most loved toys of both my boys.

Now there is one....half hidden underneath a toy baby bottle in a basket full of babies and baby clothes and barbie accessories.

My daughter completely ignores it in favor of the bottle which she promptly sticks in her purse so she can grab her stroller and cabbage patch doll and head off on her latest foray to "wal-mart" (aka the foyer) to shop.

She's cute and engaging and funny....and for the first time I can focus all of my attention on her.

But I can't stop looking at the one plastic army guy.

Today I dropped my boys off together at school. Bennett sauntered into 3rd grade thrilled to see all of his friends. He looked back only long enough to make sure I wasn't going to take his picture (AGAIN!)....and headed off to his own world of buddies and work and fun. Ethan walked into kindergarten full of excitement. He was SO happy to find the place for his backpack and hang it up by himself...then find his very own desk and sit down with a big grin on his face. I was allowed a few kisses and pictures....then he smiled, waved, and turned away from me and toward his teacher and his own world of buddies and work and fun.

Now I'm home. The house is quiet(ish) and relatively clean. I am able to give Carolyn the one-on-one that every parent wants to give their youngest, and she is so happy to have me along on her shopping expeditions. I want to enjoy that....I really do. But right now all i can do is look at this crazy piece of green plastic and cry.

Sure there will be summers. Sure there will be weekends and time after school where the boys will be running around and playing and making pure chaos here again....but I know. I know the reality of it. I've been there before. Ethan is not my stay at home kiddo anymore. I don't have anymore stay at home boys. They are flying away. And the plastic army toys are dwindling away too. We're moving toward the world of electronics and football practices and carpool frenzies...the world of homework and tennis and early bedtimes.

Those endless afternoons of seeing my boys sitting in the sun on the playroom floor (I can still see them both although it's been a few years since Bennett sat and played as long and with such absorption as Ethan) quietly playing army and asking me for privacy so their imaginations could run wild---well, those are gone now. Suddenly gone.

I am thankful for my daughter....thankful that the playroom will still be a mess and full of all kinds of stuff (although much pinker and frillier). But right now....as crazy and silly as it sounds....I want those dumb army guys.

Wait...no....I want my guys. I thank God for letting us change and grow....but right now I miss my boys.

[loveajax]

OMG, this just made me bawl!! Save this post for your boys!

[dovelu]

Makes me cry too. My boy is grown up now too (13 in 10 days) and my little ones are getting bigger. It is a relief but I hate it all at the same time.

Peace & thanks for sharing,

amy

[robandjulie]

lovely lovely lovely.

[becky]

Oh my, I am crying too. My oldest 'boy', my sweetheart, left for college on Saturday. How could he be old enough to go to college?????

I wish that some of us did 'change and grow'...I just can't seem to do it. I have 5 kids...way more than most people...but the thought of having no more babies, no more toddlers, no more little ones around...I just can't stand the thought.

So...here we sit thinking about adopting again. Everyone thinks we are crazy, but we just know that for us kids are everything.

I loved what you wrote...I do agree that you need to print it out and save it for your boys...they will appreciate it some day.

[Guatemom]

This was beautiful & so well said! My 'baby' started kindergarten last week

[avoel]

Such sweet thoughts. I took my oldest to first grade yesterday and I missed her all day too. Why do they have to grow up so darn fast?

[cbmstephanie]

What a wonderful expression of love for your children. They are incredibly lucky to have you as their mommy and you are blessed beyond belief to be their mommy. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

[karen nickols]

Very Sweet. And I was one of the crazys that missed it so much I started over. Kids 26, 23, 4 and 3 and now a niece with us, 15. Woohoo!

[DeeVee]

Beautiful and expressed wo well.... yes definitely save it for your boys; I'm sitting here with tears rolling down my face. You still have plenty of time to enjoy them; boys love their mamas, even when they get big.

Becky, I know exactly what you mean. The reason we have five kids is that I couldn't stand that thought of no more babies either. Every time I gave away the next size clothing, the baby swing, etc, I was so sad. So then we decided "just one more" (and I had to buy some new stuff!)