[ndv101]

Did it hurt or help or just stay the same? I can't remember a time without Isaac but it seems like my husband and I got along better before we adopted. We weren't married that long before we got him so maybe that is the problem, I don't know.
Don't get me wrong though, I wouldn't take anything for my son. If it came to a choice I would chose my son anyday over my husband, is that wrong? Yes it may be but thats the way I feel.
Sorry but I don't know where else to ask these questions. I just really feel like I am at the end of my rope right now and I don't know what to do.
I am stressed, I cry all the time, which I never do and then I have him cussing and *****ing at me constantly. When I go on the cruise in Oct I may never come home
Sorry so long but I had to get some things out there, ya know?

[NJRach]

Adoption added a ton of S*T*R*E*S*S to our marriage, that's for sure. You're not alone.

I'm sorry to hear that things are so rough for you. Being cussed at would send me over the edge. Hopefully your husband can let you what is making him so angry - either his job or frustration at being a Dad.

Sending you a cyberhug.

Rachael

[becky]

If you haven't already considered it you might want to think about counseling. Adoption is stressful, parenthood is stressful...but your marriage should be a priority, and often times it takes a backseat to the kids. So...try putting your husband first for a while, you may see a big difference in his behavior toward you.

Best of luck...

[Mommy K]

Also styles of parenting differ. What it means to you to be a great parent may be different for your husband because of upbringing etc. This is what dh & I worked on. I am very laid back and dh expects more rules etc. Over the years we have come to a happy medium, and agree most of the time what are the best methods regarding our children.
I also agree w/ Nancy & Becky about the stress and about spending time w/dh. Maybe a date night or things that the two of you can enjoy to give yourselves some couple time and to relax and just talk to figure things out.

[lmvsmom]

As one who has been divorced and now remarried, make your marriage a priority now, today. Do it for your child. Sometimes one person CAN save a marriage, sometimes not. Two great books I can recommend: Dr. Gary Chapman's "Love for a Lifetime" or something like that. And the other is "The Love Dare."

Best wishes to you and your family.

[Slatond10]

I am not married so have no comment on that ... But one of the things I respected the MOST about my parents is I always knew their priority was each other and my father put my mother first no matter what and visa versa!

As a single Mom, I completely understand your feelings toward your child. DD is my life!

Sending good thoughts your way and a cyber

[ndv101]

Well husband puts himself first and not me or DS. He is an only child and adopted himself but i really don't think that he has come to the realization that things are not all about him anymore. He gets really angry all the time and has said very hurtful things to me. I would say I am mentally abused at times. He has told me he hated me, that he never should have married me, and that I should take lessons from his mother about being a stay at home, mom which I am not anymore. I went back to work because it was always being thrown up to me about being home w/ DS. I find it hard to put my marriage first when I get talked to the way I do. I look forward to going to work now.

[TxMom65]

Our homestudy process was tough and opened up our marriage in some areas we hadn't explored. I do most of the parenting work with the teen but my husband really steps up with our daughter and we parent together. Yes, it has changed things but it is more that i see him in a different light.

I also would recommend counseling for you and your husband. No relationship should endure the verbal garbage that you have. That may be harsh, but I can't imagine hearing that all the time. I have a friend who does and her marriage will end soon. SHe has waited for the kids to grow up and now sees they have heard nothing but negativity their whole life. Not that you should divorce, but work on the issues.

[dpen6]

Bringing a child into a marriage will always change the picture of the relationship. Well, not really change but bring forth hidden issues that were not seen when the stress of childrearing is not preasent.

The issues of your marriage were there but did not rear until the child was brought into the picture. It happens alot.....and has nothing to do with adoption, not your childs anyway...maybe your husbands adoption is the problem, issues that he has not been willing or able to explore and seeing the adoption of his child has somehow brought his issues to the surface. He may not understand it and is lashing out out those closest to him?

Even if that is not the issue...counseling is in order...you do not need to be verbally abused.

[PackGirl]

I would also highly recommend counseling....
Marriage is difficult enough....then add a stressful adoption process and adding a child.... it just makes it that much more difficult....

I'm sorry that your husband seems to have resentment towards you... sounds like he has some things he needs to work through.... counseling would be an opportunity to help you both.....

We added 4 kids in 4 years.... so I know all about the stresses that all this can take on a marriage.... sometimes you just need to step back and see what is truly going on.... I've been guilty of putting the kids ahead of my dh... and even ahead of myself.... but truly, what is best for the kids is that I put myself and my dh first... and then look at everything else....

Hope you are able to resolve these problems....

jmo

[dpen6]

stress of anythihng can cause marriage problems, whether it be the process of adoption, the process of pregnacy, the process of childrearing......any stressors can effect any marriage....
I really strongly beleive that any stress can bring out hidden issues....

I guess I am reacting to the fact that many are blaming "adoption" here and as much as it is a tough process there are many things that are stressful anddo effect marriages all the time...

I do beleive that in this case if it were not this stress it would have been something else..

Life is full of stress....for those that adopt and those that don't....

[JillnChris]

Nancy,

I'm sorry that your dealing with this. I know that we have had many ups and downs throughout our marriage and children def. add a new dimension of stress. Have you tried counseling? For us our pre-marital classes gave us invaluable tools for dealing with these challenges. I still look back at the book every now and then to be reminded. In addition to that we have seen a couple of therapists throughout our marriage. I wouldn't say the therapists themselves "fixed" our marriage or waved their little magic wand but even the ones we didn't like did help. They were able to give us tools that we can use to make our marriage stronger.

Best Wishes,

Jill

[loveajax]

I am so sorry you are going through this!!

Many of my friends' marriages were destroyed by infertility, but my DH and I actually grew closer then. I can say having a little one can add stress to a marriage!! We have somewhat different parenting styles, etc. But mostly I see what a great Dad he is and just love him even more.

My DH is an adult adoptee and I do think the adoption process was very emotional for him...and raised a lot of issues that I don't think he ever thought a lot about. But he has looked to me for support/love, and none of this has "backlashed" onto me. You do not deserve to be berated or verbally abused...that is not healthy for you or your child.

I strongly recommend that you and your DH get into counseling...it really can't hurt and hopefully will really, really help. If he refuses, I would suggest getting counseling on your own, because it sounds like you need to figure out where you and your son go from here.

I wish you the absolute best of luck!! Again, I am sorry for your stress.

[NJRach]

I agree with loveajax. Get to a counselor, by yourself, ASAP. You want to end the verbal abuse right now, and your son doesn't need exposure to it either. I watched my parents fight for years and its something no child should have to listen to. Your priority right now is you and your son, especially since your husband is making no sense as to what he wants.

Good luck.

Rachael

[annaguat]

For us it brings us together but it does not mean it does not wreck havoc at times from all the stress. I do know when we had children come in to our family that had higher needs like attachment and behavioral dissorders it was very hard on our marriage and family.

When I read the few brief words you wrote I wonder if it is not the adoption process but becoming a parent that has been the most stressful in your situation. Sometimes it is hard to adjust to taking care of a child and the changes it brings. I am sorry to hear about the verbal abuse and I do understand you feeling a need to "escape" to work.

I do hope things will all work out for the good.

Hugs, Anna