[Larue]

Greetings forum friends,

We started the process back in January to become licensed for foster adoption, and finally got all of our Ts crossed and Is dotted and were licensed in early June. Just a few weeks later, we got the call, and were placed with a 4-day old baby girl. The social worker said she chose our family because the baby is Hispanic, and she liked the idea of the girls sharing a cultural background.

Because of foster care privacy rules I can’t post the baby’s picture or name on the Forum, but let’s just say that she’s as cute as a button, and we are all totally smitten with her. Including Sabrina. She adores the baby, and always wants to help Mommy take care of her. However, we’re also experiencing some negative “attention seeking” behaviors. Such as throwing things, and even hitting. The behavior is never directed at the baby. Only at us. We discipline her with timeouts, and removing privledges, like riding her bike for the day.

I think the behavior is from a combination of having to share her spotlight, which she isn't used to, and also anxiety. She asks us every day where the baby’s mother is. Since we don’t know for sure at this point if we’ll be able to adopt her, although that’s our hope, I explain that baby’s mother can’t take care of her right now, and she’s going to stay with us for awhile. Yesterday she asked me if the baby's mother is sick, and then asked me if I’m sick. I think this is bringing up anxiety about being separated from us. We keep trying to reassure her, and plan special time with her. But that doesn't seem to be working.

For those of you with more than one kiddo, did you experience something similar? How long did it last, and what did you do?

Thanks for any advice!

[gwenrenee007]

No advice, but I am sure I will be in this situation soon! or I hope so

Congrats on the new baby girl being placed with you guys!

[Angel99]

Congrats to you and your family! I don't have any specific advice for your experiences with Sabrina but my DS (who was 8 when Jess came home) did go through some attention seeking behaviors as well- got in a little more trouble at school and such. This probably does bring up some things for Sabrina with regard to her own adoption - I now that it did with my DS.

Sending you lots of hugs and well wishes for your family!

[mommytoEli]

just in regards to the negative seeking behavior....one thing that worked for us is having our foster baby, and then eli, buy our son gifts. it was so nice of that newborn foster baby, and then eli at 10 months old on the way home from the airport to stop at target and get ds- then 2 and 3, a gift. lol. sounds cheesy....but it totally worked. then ds saw the baby as a friend...and cool. each time my son was fine after a settling in period. he actually did better with our foster son than with eli. our fs stayed with us 4 months, and then went home. ds was sad....about 6 months after eli moved in, ds asked us when we were going to take eli back to guatemala. lol. i bet sabrina calms down after a while.....it is a big adjustment. congratulations on the new little one. have fun!

[guatemama94]

Hi! Well I wanted to post to tell you that we have a similar situation here. Although the ages were a little different. We started an adoption in Guatemala and THEN we heard about a baby girl (of Mexican/American heritage) that was in foster care. Before we knew it, we were going to PRIDE classes and doing the paperwork!

Ironically we had the baby placed with us before our DD from Guate. came home. I should add that the baby was 18 months at the time and our DD from Guatemala was 5....OH, and DD from Guate. didn't even know about DD from foster/adopt so it was a HUGE surprise when she came home. She was happy actually! We had to keep it a secret because we didn't want to have to redo any of the adoption paperwork for the Guatemalan adoption....gosh we waited an eternity as it was....

Anyway, my 5 y.o. was frustrated with the baby because she didn't know how to play. She really wanted to play with her too. There was some aggression directed against the baby, but we nipped it in the bud. Fast forward to now....they are very, very close and play constantly. They are so happy to be sisters. For a while we thought that we bit off more than we could chew, but it turned out fine with time. Believe me it was a big adjustment.

As far as advice...I believe you are doing a great job with explaining to her. Part of her difficulty is her understanding it. My Guate. DD is now 7 and I know she would be able to understand the explanation you gave your DD, but I think with your DD's age it doesn't quite make sense to her. I think your explanation is great though, don't worry! Just continue to reassure her and spend "just her and you" time with her.

I think that the uncertainty of the baby's placement is hard enough for us adults to deal with/comprehend....that was the one thing that made us very scared of foster adopting---how would our children feel if their foster sister/brother had to go???? They have emotional baggage w/ separation anxiety to begin with so that was a fear of ours. Thankfully that fear was not realized.

Oh, you asked how long it lasted...in our case it was 6 months or maybe 8. By 1 year home we had things really settled. Now they are a year and half home and things are great! Just normal stuff now.

Well, I'm so happy for you! I hope that things work out! Keep us posted!

[jandc]

First of all, Congratulations! What an exciting time for all of you!

From what you said, I think you are doing everything right. Appropriate punishment for unacceptable behavior and lots of extra loving.

Before you know it, Sabrina will have totally adjusted to the situation. My ds1 asked us to send ds 2 back to the hospital after 2 weeks. 2 weeks after that he was adjusted and quite protective of his little brother.

[Mary Mulcahy]

My son Danny was 2-1/2 when Ricco came home. For 6 months it was hell. He would hear the baby cry and come downstairs and cry, "NO BABY!" Danny would pinch and take Ricco's bottle away. We had some family counseling (At first they thought Danny had sensory disorder but that did not pan out) but mostly it was jealousy. I would put aside special Danny and mommy time and we did a mommy and tot swim class. Even now 4 years later there is still some times when they go after each other. My mom reminds me that I used to pull my younger sister's hair. BUt for the new baby's sake, you need to address this. Sounds like you are on the right track.

Congrats on the new addition and keep your chin up, with time it does get better.
Best wishes,
Mary

[JosieWales]

Ian still huts Owen when he gets mad at him, which is quite a lot since Ian is always always into all O's stuff. So that part is normal. I'd be extra-sure I spent time w/Sabrina, though, bc it sounds like she is worried about losing you.

[nannyisme2004]

It took my DD a good month or so to adjust to her new brother coming home from Guatemala. She now had to share mommy. She started to act out, etc. just like Sabrina is doing. But at the same time she was excited to have a brother and loved him. Sounds like you are doing all the right things. Just continue to reassure her and answer her questions and this will pass.

Congrats on baby girl.

[kellum5]

She could be coming to grips with her own adoption and be afraid she will need to leave you.
When DS came home our 4 yo DD asked quite a few questions, including questions about his mother etc.
It took about six months or so for her to accept the situation and understand everything was all right.
She at one point even expressed concern that her mommy might come back for her and she would leave us.
It is amazing to me what all these little guys understand, more than we give them credit for.
Our other DS, 4.5, was more concerned about where his little brother would sleep, sharing toys, etc.

[mommyto2guatboys]

Congratulations on your new addition, welcome to the world of Foster care. We have two boys 3 and 4 from Guatemala and we have had our 2.5 year old FS for 6 months now. I know we have thought a lot about what this could do to our boys if our FS has to leave us at some point, we know that emotions from their adoptions will be brought up. We already notice lots of questions from our 4 year old about him leaving us, etc. We do a lot of explaining to them about the situation, that mom can't take care of him and that if she decides she can't do it we will take care of him forever and he will be adopted just like they are. They want him to be adopted because they think that is the best thing in the world so it's pretty cute! My 3 year old has been having a really hard time with the adjustment too, lots of acting out, talking back, agressive behavior. We do a lot of time outs, loss of privelages and tons of praise for positive behavior. One thing we have had to do is lots of special time for our boys, our FS has a lot of extra attention (none that ofcourse they would ever want, but they don't know that) so they need to be extra special right now in their minds. It's always an adjustment, good luck with everything.

Magen
My family!

[arthymom]

Congratulations!

It is hard and it takes time. You can do all you can do in terms of trying to give Sabrina a ton of time with you alone. Short of that, for us it just took time. Sort of like attachment...You need empathy, patience, and time.

Take care and I'm really happy for you! What a fortunate situation to be placed with a newborn, wow!

Take care,

[robandjulie]

Just for a different perspective...

When we were waiting for DS to come home we had our bio DD at home. She was 2.5 when we started really talking about him and seeing him on instant messenger video and then she was 3.25 when he came home.

When we would talk about Jorge in Guatemala she knew he lived with a family there and we called them his foster mom and foster dad in our talks, but she just heard "mom and dad". The idea that he was going to be leaving that family to come to ours really freaked her out and it took a LOT of explaining and reassurances to calm her anxiety about someday maybe she would have to change families, too. We talked about what foster meant and what forever meant, about how she would still be in our family when she started school, learned to ride a bike, drive a car, get married, etc and how I would always always always be her mommy and she would be my baby girl.

Then, of course, when Jorge did come home it was the jealousy and total over-the-top helper/playing/excitement. That required a lot of redirection, consequences for repeat behavior issues, dedicated appointment time with "just mom" and "just dad"--I took her to a story time at the library each Monday; DH took her to a My Gym class on Fridays. As a side bonus, the other parent got 1-1 time with DS, so it helped bonding and her behavior overall.

We made it a habit that one adult would put DS down for bed and the other would stay downstairs and read/talk with DD for that 30-40 mins and also get her into PJs, potty, teeth, etc. Once he was asleep she'd go upstairs and the other parent (who just got DS to sleep) would read to her and tuck her in, so she'd get at least 15-20 mins alone with both parents before bed, too.

Congratulations! I know a lot of that won't work as well with all the demands that come with a newborn, but hopefully it helps a little.

[ana-mom]

When Josie came home, we were sure Ana felt like the big sister and realized what an important job it was. She was allowed to help with feeding, dressing and bathing Josie. We also had 'big girl alone time'. Just Ana with either Mama or Papa doing something special - reading a book. going to the playground, doing puzzles, etc.

Ana is very nurturing and doesn't display a lot of jealous behavior except when she's very tired. When that occurs now, we just get out the storybooks and have some quite time - all of us together.

Congratulations to your whole family!

[shoegirl06]

First off - Congratulations to all of you!!

When Derek came home at about 8 months, Libby was 2 1/2. She was fine for a few days, but then it was all-out war! To echo a couple of previous posters, what worked for us was "Libby Time" where she had all the one-on-one we could give her and she LOVED it! It only took a few months, but we still use the "divide & conquer" method.

Enjoy and best of luck!!!