[Quesita]

Liana and I are getting ready to go on our first real vacation together. We've traveled to visit family out of state, but this is a real VACATION.

I decided to take a really really easy no-stress trip.

We are taking a cruise out of NYC. That means we hop in a cab, head to the dock, and get on the ship. No airport security, followed by a flight, followed by baggage pick up and customs and travel to a hotel and hotel check in etc. I wanted it to be easy.

I picked a cruise line that has a daycamp for kids under three. If Liana likes it, and is willing to stay there, I hope to get at least a few hours in at the spa. If she doesn't like it, or is afraid to be left alone, I don't get spa time, but there will still be lots of fun things for us to do.

I'm really surprised by how many moms I know who seem to be in awe of my plans, and who think I'm "really brave" to be traveling alone with Liana. One new mom of a one-year old said "You are going on a cruise alone with her????? I'm afraid to go to the supermarket alone with my son!!!" Other parents gasp and say that they would be so afraid to take a trip alone with their toddler.

So is it the fact that I adopted internationally that makes me "brave?" I mean, I met Liana in a hotel, lived in a hotel for a week the first time, then 11 days the second time. Fostered in Antigua for two months. Traveled alone from Guatemala to NYC with her.

Did these experiences contribute to my ability to just decide to go on a trip together, just the two of us? How do other parents feel? Especially the single parents out there. Did the international adoption experience make us "braver" about some stuff?

[jules17]

Oh gosh. We get that a lot too, for various reasons, but most recently, having 3 children 3 and under. I am like a single mom a lot during the week, and on every other weekend.

I think it's awesome!! We travel a lot with our kids, and always have.

But in a way, I do think adoption makes you more brave. It certainly made me more zen about "other life" stuff. Like our realtor was giving us the "emotions" spiel on selling our house and buying a new one...I just looked at him and said, "We've just adopted 3 times in 3 years. A house is nothing. It's property." My perspective is completely different than when we bought this house 4 years ago.

Have a fantastic voyage!

[SKL]

I think the adoption process proved how resilient and adaptable our kids are. Myself, I have always been OK with travel and such, and having my kids along just makes it more fun.

I think being a single mom is a lot like jumping into a pool - there's a momentary shock, and then it's just natural - but people who haven't jumped in yet are still skittish about it.

[Quesita]

Jules, I am in awe of you and your family!!!!! I don't know how you do it, but I am so happy and excited for you.

SKL - I think you are right about jumping into a pool. I do stuff with Liana, without thinking about it. And then someone comments, and I realize that I had jumped in with no hesitation. The other day I was in Macy's with Liana, (clothes shopping for me) and a woman came up and commented on how good Liana was being. Liana was holding each item I selected to try on. The woman went on to say she would never have the nerve to bring HER toddler to a department store. Ummmm. I had never thought about whether it was ok to bring my toddler to a department store. What else would I do? Not go? Hire a baby sitter?

[cborsa7]

Apparently I was born Brave then.
I have never had any comment on the fact I have always traveled with my children (bio). I traveled for a living, have never found it any big deal and, yes, I even take them to the mall, high end restaurants and the grocery store(shocking). Where I go, they go (I have never had a babysitter for any of my 3 kids). Maybe it has more to do with the amount of control some have with there children. I have friends whose kids could never be anywhere (without destroying the place) and they find this normal behavior for children.

Your trip sounds like a blast and I do hope you get some spa time for yourself.

[SKL]

Originally Posted by cborsa7

and, yes, I even take them to the mall, high end restaurants and the grocery store(shocking). Where I go, they go. Maybe it has more to do with the amount of control some have with there children. I have friends whose kids could never be anywhere (without destroying the place) and they find this normal behavior for children.

I feel the same way. I have always taken my girls everywhere, except for professional type things. They know what I expect of them, and if they forget, I remind them in no uncertain terms. Maybe if I had a husband, I'd give it a second thought - is it better to leave the kids home with one parent, or bring the second parent as backup - but I'm not sure that would be best for the kids. They are capable of a lot more than some adults realize, and if I make the effort to teach them how to behave, they have the benefit of experiencing a broader world.

I have to say I don't get it when I hear married parents of one or two kids moan and groan about how hard parenthood is. I do think it's about control. When the "buck stops here," you aren't waiting for someone to "do their share" or take the blame - you just handle things - and you find that you do have what it takes.

[jules17]

Originally Posted by SKL

I feel the same way. I have always taken my girls everywhere, except for professional type things. They know what I expect of them, and if they forget, I remind them in no uncertain terms. Maybe if I had a husband, I'd give it a second thought - is it better to leave the kids home with one parent, or bring the second parent as backup - but I'm not sure that would be best for the kids.

Really, the only time the kids aren't with us are when Mommy gets her hair colored and the occasional date night. Other than that, they come. They know what we expect, and the consequences if they chose otherwise. We can afford help, but chose not to. I prayed for these children and I intend to enjoy the journey of life with them. What blows me away is how many people stop me and say, "Did they just say please and thank you???" Like it's some novelty. Oy.

[joskimo]

Frankly I think all adoptive parents are brave, you have to have so much faith in so many people to keep your dreams on track. Several years ago on adoption.com I read someone write "adoption is not for the faint of heart" and I've repeated it a million times I think. We're made out of tough stuff!

[abensonslaton]

I really just think it's the type of mom you are. I was never the stay at home mom type. I have to get out. I learn this very early on. When we adopted our first son we would go somewhere everyday. Part of it I must admit I liked showing him off and wanted for him to be social. When I had three under 2 1/2 we still went out everyday. Was it difficult yes but it made me feel normal and taught my kids at an early age how to act when we are out or else they don't get to go. I feel bad some days because they like me want to leave the house every day too. I was lucky and got a perfect triple jogging stroller on ebay for a steal. It saved me. I did get the attention too we were quite the sight. They are now 5,4, and 3 so they are mobile but stick with me at the grocery store. I don't know if they would if we had started later. Good luck and have fun!!
Ange
DS domestic adoption 11/03
DS bio 4/05
DD bio 4/06

[jules17]

Originally Posted by Quesita

Jules, I am in awe of you and your family!!!!! I don't know how you do it, but I am so happy and excited for you.

Quesita, thank you, BUT you must hold your awe until the fall when I'm back in grad school. Then things will be a challenge!

[SKL]

Originally Posted by SKL

I think the adoption process proved how resilient and adaptable our kids are.

I have a friend (married) whose only daughter (bio) is the same age as my youngest. Some friends and I have been trying to get together with him, but he refuses to travel with his daughter. He has 100 excuses. He himself has done tons of travel, as has his wife; but he just doesn't believe his daughter is capable of it. Last January we traveled to his house for his daughter's 2nd birthday and it was a breeze. So, I don't know if his child really has issues (she seemed fine to me), or if he just can't imagine "his little baby" adjusting to all that travel involves.

To be fair, I was a little iffy myself about our first overnight trip, which was a 12-hour car drive to a place I'd never been to, but it worked out wonderfully.

[erinelway]

I have to say I don't get it when I hear married parents of one or two kids moan and groan about how hard parenthood is.

Why? Parenting is hard, no matter what the configuration of your family is. I'm married with two kids and it's tough. I completely understand that it is harder for single parents, and frankly I don't know how you guys do it. But at the same time, it is still difficult as a couple (married or not, working or not), just in different ways.

Also, I completely understand folks who'd rather leave their kids at home at times if they have the opportunity to do so. I really believe that we all need time for ourselves to grow as humans...even if it's just a quick trip to the bookstore to rekindle the days of when we could read a book in silence.

Lastly, all kids are different. Some are absolutely too free-spirited to be contained in a grocery cart or at church for an hour. This is not always a disciplinary issue, so I try not to judge other folks for making decisions about what's best for their familiies. My sons have flown over 50,000 miles with us and are exceedingly well-behaved on airplanes, for example, but at the same time I would hesitate to bring them antiquing with me. That's just common sense.

[jules17]

Originally Posted by SKL

I have to say I don't get it when I hear married parents of one or two kids moan and groan about how hard parenthood is.

This makes me smile. Parenting is hard. Period. When you have a spouse, you have to take the time and make the effort to communicate with him/her, work out parenting issues, home issues, take their schedules into consideration, etc., etc., etc. AND on top of that, you have to keep your relationship with your partner "alive and well." And that is just the surface stuff.

ETA: Sorry to get off track, Ques. Just wanted to comment on that. Carry on...

[SKL]

Originally Posted by jules17

This makes me smile. Parenting is hard. Period. When you have a spouse, you have to take the time and make the effort to communicate with him/her, work out parenting issues, home issues, take their schedules into consideration, etc., etc., etc. AND on top of that, you have to keep your relationship with your partner "alive and well." And that is just the surface stuff.

I guess my choice of words was poor. I guess I was really talking about people who feel angry that they are not getting enough support from their spouse or ex or others, and allow that to make their parenting experience unhappy. If it's all on one person by choice, there's nobody to be angry at, and the same things that feel like drudgery to some are no big deal. So how much of the "hard" of parenting is psychological? Of course that's not true for everyone.

So back on the point here, being a single parent by choice doesn't involve a lot of the baggage that weighs down some parents. So what people assume is harder or scarier, really isn't - at least in my experience.

[sak9645]

Many of us, who are older single Moms, have long since learned to do things on our own. We'velived and traveled alone for years. We've handled car breakdowns and plumbing emergencies. We've dealt with our own illnesses/injuries, and often had to help care for others, such as elderly parents. We've dealt with making big life decisions, like moving, job changes, and adoption without a partner.

Raising kids isn't easy, but we old single Moms have had so much experience in handling things on our own that we really have an advantage. And I must say that the adoption experience -- parenting a sick, scared, grieving child in a foreign country, for example -- gives us a huge feeling that we CAN handle whatever life presents us.

I, for one, didn't find that traveling with my daughter was a big deal. I had to carry a bit more "stuff" than I would have, without her. But otherwise, it was really not an issue. We traveled by air and car several times when Becca was young, and I never found it particularly challenging.

And I'm not some kind of superwoman. I was 51 and long, long divorced when I adopted. I was slightly overweight and sedentary. I had never parented, never had siblings. I had a decent financial situation, though I was by no means wealthy.

Now, I'm 63, and Becca is 13. I love traveling with her and seeing her perceptions of the world. She is very, very organized -- packs her own gear, makes checklists so she doesn't leave things in hotels, keeps her belongings neat, and so on. She is not an adventurous eater, but we have learned to find some basic, acceptable foods even in upscale restaurants.

On one occasion, when Becca was about 11, I even took her and a friend of hers for a four-day vacation trip. I thought it might be a disaster, because of the other girl. But even that was a total delight!

My only regret is that I didn't start adopting sooner. It would have been marvelous to have two or three kids and, yes, I think I could have managed just fine.

Do I ever feel that I wish I had a spouse? Sure. I like men, and there are times when adult male company would be welcome -- and not just when the car starts making funny noises or I need to move the furniture.

But I also realize that marriage is hard work. Having a spouse wouldn't really make my life easier. I'd have to invest a lot of emotional energy in the relationship, negotiate decisions about how to raise Becca, and so on.

If I ever marry again -- and at 63, that seems unlikely -- it won't be to make my life, or the raising of my daughter, easier. I would have to find a relationship in which I really, really would want to invest my time and energy, in sickness and in health, for as long as we both shall live. And it would have to be someone who would be a great Dad to Becca, although she has some wonderful male role models who have enriched her life, and doesn't feel a huge need for a Dad just now.

For now, I'm perfectly content to raise my daughter alone. Yes, there are rough spots from time to time, but I can manage. And I certainly don't need a partner to enjoy travel, whether to the grocery store or another state or anywhere else, with my daughter.

Sharon