[cantwait2bmommy]

Please forgive me in advance….I don’t mean to gripe, really, I don’t and for those of you that “know” me on FB, you know my New Year’s Resolution was to be publically grateful all year, but I am having a tough time focusing on the good right now. I am very blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life who have supported me in countless ways as we work to bring our son home but, today I am at a loss.

The attached picture is from the Guatemala 900 Campaign Launch. The child in the middle is my son. I cannot even look at the picture without losing it. Why, why, why is my son still in Guatemala after 2 ½ years?

I think I am pretty good about looking at my life and finding the positive and the lessons, but I don’t get it. I believe everything in life happens for a reason, but his whole ordeal has me stumped. I know my son will come home to us. I know he will be fine and he will adjust and bond and he will eventually be a happy child….But why is he still in Guatemala after 2 ½ years?

I have been searching for answers in every possible way. I have asked God for answers. I am assured over and over in so many ways that he will be fine and that I am doing all that can be done. Maybe I am supposed to stop asking and have more faith and trust, but it is so hard. I say I know everything happens for a reason and I truly believe that. I really want to learn my lesson here, but what is it? How can I learn from this when I really, really just do not understand?

When my son’s case blew up in June 07, I mourned the loss of a love that, at the time, I believed was not meant to be mine. I did such a good job mourning that I felt like a glorified babysitter every time I saw him after that. He didn’t feel like my baby. He didn’t look like my baby. He didn’t smell like my baby. I was vacationing with someone else’s child.

As it became clear that he was indeed meant to be our son, I had to try to open my heart to him again. This was incredibly hard and I don’t think I am 100% there yet, but now we go do fun things with my daughter and our friends and it is like I can feel him there with us. It is like there is a hole in our family where my son should be. I watch my daughter playing alone in our home and I am so sad that her brother isn’t here to play with her.

When dh and I left our son after our last visit, dh was devastated that ds was not coming home with us. He just did not understand why things had to be this way. I didn’t either, but in an attempt to see the positive I told dh that our foster family is being given the gift of a long good-bye. I see now how much my heart has opened since we last saw our son and I am grateful for this, but I still do not understand why my son is not yet with our family where he belongs.

Thank you for listening.

[Alexismandyjr]

Oh Chris, there are no words. All I can say is trust in Him! I've learned so much lately. I'm going to send you in invite to my blog which is now private. Please read my last entry!

Bibi

[HopeandaPrayer]

I am so sorry your family is going through this long and painful process. I can just feel your anguish and I just wish I could say something that would help you feel better. Please know I will be praying for you.

Terri

[joepegcamp]

I'm so sorry you're still dealing with this. This is horrible, and it's a stretch to think of it any other way.
You've been at this a long time. It's no wonder you're feeling like you're at the end of your rope.

Get angry. Yell at God. Real loud. Shake your fist at heaven and demand answers.

Then sit back and do nice things for yourself and your family. Treat yourselves well.

The answers will come; they always do. But if you want to get angry, then let those feelings fly. Holding them in or talking them down won't help. (At least, it didn't help me.)

I'll be praying for you and your family. This sucks! No other way around it.

[mommyto2guatboys]

oh Chris, I am so sorry you are all having to go through this. I know it is hard to trust in God's plan and find the positive all of the time. You're human, sometimes we question and can't see the positive, but know that everything is for a reason. And your little man will be home soon.

Love ya,
Magen

[annaguat]

Thank you for openly sharing your thoughts and feelings and putting a face on one waiting child and family. All the waiting children and parents are in our prayers. Hugs, Anna

[GuateRose]

Chris, we have all been there! I was just talking with my sister yesterday, and she said they just heard a powerful sermon on Trusting God in all circumstances. She said she feel depressed because she wonders what she has learned in the past year with the struggles their family is going through. It helped me so much to know that other people struggle too, because I too am struggling right now, and wondering if I have learned anything at all in the past 6 1/2 years that we have been in the adoption process. Deep down inside, I know I have changed and grown a lot, but in the middle of the fight, it looks like we really haven't made any progress!
But we can't lose the faith... God has a reason though we can't understand...

[SmileLaughLearn]

I'm so sorry for all you and your family have been going through. You're all in my prayers.

[dance_muffin]

I'm so sorry that you are still waiting to bring your ds home. Many hugs to you . It is a struggle but please hang on. I believe he will come home to you. Keep the faith. It will happen!

Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way.

[Clare'sMom]

Chris.... I have no words that will make any sense of this horrible horrible thing... No amount of time spent without us will ever be justified in the lives of our children.

Someday your son will know that his Mommy waited and waited for him to make the long journey home.... He will be so proud that you never gave up!

Please know your in my thoughts!
Ann

[AnaM-H]

Chris, I don't know what to tell you except stay strong. BELIEVE ALWAYS. Hugs

[mommytoEli]

i am so sorry.

[carrik1]

Thank you for sharing this. You put into words exactly how I am feeling. It is too much sometimes to handle. I pray and pray and then pray some more. I know God hears us, but has his own plan for our families. I am so sorry we are stuck in this mess, but our sweet boys WILL come home. I will say a special prayer for your family tonight!

[Larue]

Chris I am so sorry your journey to Anthony has been so long and so hard. Your story is a testament to the ability of the human heart to love beyond all obstacles. Please know that many of us are praying for you. Sending you many hugs.

[JoshGuat]

So sorry that you are discouraged. I would be too if I were in your shoes. It is heart breaking. I don't have the answer to help you, but I did want to just say (((((((((((((((cyber HUGS)))))))))))))). I pray for your pain and I am so sorry