[kimbo17]

I need some advice from those that have trekked through this whole todderhood thing. My son is 2 1/2 and is behind verbally currently in speech therapy. I know a lot of his tantrums are due to language delays but he has very violent outbursts that are now affecting him at the school he attends. He loves being in control (what 2 1/2 yr old doesn't) and does not like transitioning from one activity to the next. So he scratches (hard) and hits his teacher and fellow classmates. He also does this at home with us.

We have tried time outs (it just escalates his frustration), time-ins (doesn't seem to get it), talking to him when he is rational, putting him to bed earlier for more sleep, etc. The only thing we haven't done is spank/swat. He just doesn't get it!

I am afraid if we don't get this now he is going to turn into a violent child and/or get kicked out of his school. Any advice?

[socialkat78]

Have you talked with his SLP about using pictures with him to help him with his speech or baby signs? It sounds like the lack of ability to communicate is cause the issues. Usually with little ones who have trouble with transitioning in preschool we use a picture schedule so that they can see what is coming next and let them know that the activity is going to change a few minutes prior to it occurring. I know it isn't easy to do at home, but it might help with letting him express what he wants/needs.

[Mommy K]

In addition to the great advice you have already gotten, I would partner with his teacher for a consistant consequence for this type of behavior at school and at home, so he knows if he does this--X will be the consequence in both enviornments.
You never know--this behavior may be reinforced at school--so it's best to find out what the teacher does directly after the behavior.I would also ask if your son is presented with opportunities throughout the day to make decisions for himself--such as ASKING him what color crayon he wants etc. This is much more effective than just letting him choose, because he is made aware that he is making a choice. These little "control" things seem very minor to us as adults-but make a huge difference at this stage of development.
I think that as your son becomes more verbal- and grows out of this stage of development this behavior will fade unless it is rewarded with negative attention.
Good luck-

[joshsmom]

I have a nephew who was adopted from Russia at 20 months old. He did not speak his first word until he was 3 years old and was also in Speech Therapy. He would have very similar violent outbursts. They were based on frustration at the lack of being able to communicate. He understood everything he was being told but could not communicate back. They started teaching him sign language. The more sign language he learned the less frequent the outburts became. He is now 9 years old and is a normal happy boy. He outgrew these episodes once he could communicate his feelings and frustrations to us in a constructive manner.

I feel for you since I know how difficult this was for my sister and BIL, but this is something that may help. The signs may not make the outbursts completely disappear but hopefully they will diminish.

[swjp]

It's great that you know what sets him off. Just another second to all of the great advice--sign language is a great relief, as well as letting the child know about a transition in ADVANCE of the change, and having some control and power over what/how he wants to do something. This helps my daughter so much--if she's into something, and boom we change, she gets upset naturally.

Other thing to do is to label how he is feeling--you are angry because...and show that you have empathy with him. And hold him while he cries. I think knowing that one is still loved and that people understand how one feels can go a long way to defusing anger.

Is he still distractable?

It's tough with those outbursts!

[JillnChris]

Oh I so totally feel you. DD is not in school but whenever we are around other kids she is just so violent. Like you described with your son she gets very mad if she doesn't get her way and will hit, scratch, pull hair, at least she doesn't bite. Everytime I take her out around other kids I can count on her hitting or pulling their hair. And everytime she does it I give her either a time out or a time in (usually it is time in if we are out in public). I tell her it is "not nice" and show her how to give "nice touches". I tell her how mommy will be so happy and so proud of her if she will play nicely with the other kids. I show her how to use her words when she is upset. But like you said she just doesn't get it and her emotions take control of her. I also fear about what it will be like when she is older but I really think that fear is unfounded. For the most part this IS normal toddler behavior and they will grow out of it once they start talking more and can understand what is and is not acceptable.
I have friends who had similar issues with their toddlers and they ALL say it gets better as they get older. Hopefully he is going to a school that is good at dealing with this?
I wonder if rewards for good behavior would work. Like if everyday he doesn't act out violently he gets some sort of prize.