[amyfk]

Hi,

Earlier this evening I took my daughter to gymnastics. I was talking with another parent about my daughter and a grandfather(who was watching the grandkids and normally doesnt come) who was sitting behind me made a comment.
My daughter is an only child. I wanted another, but my husband doesnt so we are staying at one.
The man asked me, " Is she your ONLY child?" So I told him yes she is. He said, arent you going to get her a sibling. It's very lonely without a sibling. I was kind of stunned that a stranger would talk to me this way. He told me that one of his children has only one child, and he isnt happy about it, but his son tunes him out, which I can understand frankly. I said to him, "Both my parents had a sibling, but one lost her brother to a sudden heart attack at aged 42, and my dad chose not to deal with his only brother anymore due to money, care issues when my grandmother was elderly." The man said to me, "You sound pretty bitter about it all." I
I almost fell off my chair! Im getting an analysis and a lecture from a total stranger and a man who should know better than that it the gym. I looked right at him and said "What a couple decides to do about how many children they want is just between them. It's personal." Then I turned around and didnt talk to him at all for the rest of the session.
I have read various insensitive, dumb things on this board that people have heard others say over months Ive been on here, but you would think that somewhere along the line, an elderly man would know what issues to talk about and when to keep his nose out of others' tents. Sadly I know that some folks never learn and probably need a whack over the head!
Amy K, NJ

[guatparents2be]

amy, so sorry. what a bother! it is remarkable what some people think is their business.

sigh...

[mayaprincess]

You will be surprised at how many times people have commented on my son being an only child, my age (42) and why I had him so old...

People just do not think before they speak. I am sorry that this happened to you.

[TxMom65]

I think it was PMS (at least I blame it on that) but I found the other night that I can divert rudeness by saying one word, loudly, and keep using it in conversation. Vagina. Yes, it worked. Sounds crazy but by golly, it totally stopped the conversation in its tracks.
Him: You need a sibling for your child.
You: Did you say vagina?
Him: NO!
You: Speaking of vagina's......

[Gabri]

TxMom... that is so funny. I HAVE to try that!

We're getting the opposite now... when we had one, people said, "You're going to get another one, right?" Now that we have two, people say, "You're not going to get another one, are you?" I'm amazed that no matter what the situation people will find a negative comment...

[Mommy K]

How rude! There are benefits and drawbacks for both being an only child or a child with brothers and sisters--What is right for one family is not right for another...at any rate-this man stepped over the line, and should know better as an adult on what acceptable conversation is.

[Waiting4OURBOY]

I'm sorry. It amazes what strangers think is appropriate conversations. My pet peeve is the check-out women in stores -- Wal-mart, Target, etc. I've had them straight-out ask me about my fertility, etc. in the middle of the check-out line. My husband who is way too open to strangers doesn't understand why I don't want to talk about everything in front of STRANGERS!!!! Sorry, just had to add to the vent!

I just write all of those people off as not knowing any better than to run their mouths and just choose to pray for them that God would give them a sensor on their mouths!!!!

[MamaS]

In defense of grandparents starting conversations:
A. He was TOTALLY out of line to tell you your child needed a sibling.
B. Because you "shared" the stories of your father and husband, he had reason to think you were in a conversation about it
C. If this occurs again, immediately after the A comment, go directly to -- "It is nobody's business but ours".

[amyfk]

Thanks for all of your replies. I appreciate it. The vagina one is certainly interesting... maybe Ill try it one time.
Anyway after reading the rude inappropriate comments I shouldnt be suprised but this man's ignorance, especially at his age, surprised me. I guess nothing does anymore.
Have a good weekend,
Amy K, NJ

[JustBarbara]

Originally Posted by MamaS

In defense of grandparents starting conversations:
A. He was TOTALLY out of line to tell you your child needed a sibling.
B. Because you "shared" the stories of your father and husband, he had reason to think you were in a conversation about it
C. If this occurs again, immediately after the A comment, go directly to -- "It is nobody's business but ours".

I have very similar thoughts - because you did 'share' he probably thought it meant you were ready to have a discussion about it all. But when you follow up with it being a 'personal' issue re: number of children it goes a bit against your having already 'shared'. I have not been asked that question. And I also tend not to 'share' too much personal stuff with strangers but I'm sorry you are feeling sad about it. I would just try to let it go.

[amyfk]

Barbara,

I am letting it go. You didnt get the full story but here it is. I didnt want to discuss the situation but the reason it came up is because the girl I speak with is the aunt of a kid in my child's class. Her sister is having another baby and the discussion came around to the number of children in the home. She said she felt that one was good but her sister wanted a second(she lives with the sister and takes on some of the motherly roles). I told her that we were only having our one child and that is it. I was talking with this aunt on my own and the old man interrupted me and started in with his own opinions.
I am not the kind of person to discuss personal stuff like this in public but apparently he is. Although I want another child, my husband doesnt and it has been an issue. I wouldnt bring that up at a gymnastics session for the public's general consensus.
Amy K, NJ

[tooskis]

Geez! As a mother of an only child, I have also discovered that people think it's perfectly fine to tell us their opinion about only children and how we are scarring our child by having just one. This drives me absolutely INSANE! I can't stand that people think only one way is the right way in building a family. I have read many studies about the # of children in families and there are positives and negatives to BOTH sides.

I'm glad you nicely called this gentleman on his out of line remark. Good for you!

[amyfk]

HI Dee,

Like you I get this all too often. I think there may be some basis to it, but I think that the idea that onlies will be scarred is way out of proportion to how it really is.
Thanks for the compliment. I really really felt like calling him a "Stupid old man," but I held my tongue because I know I can get fresh when provoked. At least in a nice but forthright way I told him to mind his own business. He mentioned that one of his children only wants one child. I get the feeling he gives his son flack on this. Hopefully after explaining to this man that the decision is between a husband and a wife, this man will get the point and lay off his son. That must be ultra-annoying. At least I only had to hear it once from this guy and Ill probably never see him again.
Amy K, NJ

[Shesalmost18]

TX MOM65 -----OMG - that is hilarious. I am laughing so hard I fell off my chair.

[JosieWales]

Originally Posted by amyfk

I shouldnt be suprised but this man's ignorance, especially at his age, surprised me.

My g'ma, in her 80s, sometimes says things now that are inappropriate and outright rude (for ex., "Look how fat that man is," in a voice that is far from a whisper, easily overheard--and she is not a mean woman). As people age, they sometimes lose the ability to filter what they are thinking and they end up saying it out loud w/o realizing how rude it sounds.