[iwantmybaby]

towards adopting again? This is probably the ONLY place I feel comfortable to even say this because well....I feel somewhat anonymous here. Even though I personally know some of you, I trust you'll keep it between us. My husband would FREAK otherwise.

I think his main reason is financial, but he also said he is happy with our 2. I totally respect him and I have decided to let it lie for now. I haven't brought it up again because I see the stress it brings to his face. He is such an incredible husband and father so I certainly don't want to paint him in a negative light. I was just wondering if any of you could relate. If so, did anyone else's husband/wife flip?

Thanks guys!
Tracy

[ana-mom]

When Ana came home in 2007, our plan was to wait until she was 3 or 4 and then adopt again. DH was very firm about waiting - he wanted to get to know Ana and spend time bonding her.

When I told DH that Guatemala would be unavailable after December 2007, he changed his mind and jumped right back in. He wanted Ana to have a sister and his heart was in Guatemala. As it was, he had an entire year of just Ana and they formed a very special relationship during that time. When J came home, we were all ready to welcome her with love.

I would let it go for now if you feel like you can wait awhile. Financial reasons are very valid reasons. Start saving your $$ and then approach DH again.

[JosieWales]

I do understand--DH isn't against adopting again, but right now the mention of it makes his eyes roll back in his head in terror. We do have our hands full w/our 2 under the age of 3, but I DO want to adopt again...but I am letting it lie for now. Unless you are in a big rush (like w/your 2nd child and Guatemala closing), let it go for now. IMHO! He'll come around.

[iwantmybaby]

Thanks Becca. I'm not in a huge rush, other than I am getting older. That bothers me. I know in my head I need to just let this go. It is good to know I am not alone Thanks for posting.
Tracy

[mommytoEli]

don't worry....you will stay "anonymous" with me. i planned in advance....WAY in advance.....when we were still only talking about getting married he said to me, "you know, i'd like to adopt my kids." and i added, "you know, i want 6." lol. i'm at 5...and it looks like i'll get my one more. lol. but it was planned. however, he does say he is happy with his 5, he could be done, in 3 years we will be down to 3 in the house, we could downsize our house, downsize our car, and actually afford to travel. he'd be happy with that. i find that when he says he's happy with his 5, we are alone. but when he is cuddling the baby, he will talk about #6. lol. another thing i think is helpful is there is finality in saying our LAST child when we talk about #6.....i think then he realizes he could handle one more, and then he KNOWS there would be no more purposeful additions. he mostly is concerned about retiring when he is older. lol....and not being 75 and still raising teenagers. lol.

[melissa41]

First I would like to say your title peaked my curiosity. I wan't sure how your sentence might end but I regress.

In our family it is the opposite. My dh wants to and I am not so sure. I'm not sure if you are a religious person so please don't take offense if you are not. If you are, just pray for the situation for your husband to change his mind or for you to have peace with the situation. That is what I do.

[kirbystarcat]

DH had cold feet starting our second adoption. I think many things were involved. First, it was financial. Second, he was tired of dealing with adoption agencies and their antics. Third, I know he thought "How can I ever love another child as much as this one?" Fourth, he was scared of shutdowns having lived through all of the Spring of 2007 hoopla with Wendy Berger and her threats.

The approach I took was to research, research, research on my own and to already have the answers to his questions when I approached him with my plan. I also looked for options that would help alleviate his fears. I showed him how renewing our paperwork and updating our homestudy right away would be cheaper than waiting to have to do completely new applications. I had the financing worked out. I made it clear we would not use the same placement agency, and I had thoroughly scoped the new one already (actually I had it down to two at the time I approached him and had thoroughly vetted them both). I made it clear that I thought we should request a boy the second time around, that way no other little girl would ever have to share his heart with DD. But I think changing countries was a big key to winning him over too. He was so frustrated with Guatemala's antics and I was too. At least at the time we started, Vietnamese adoptions were going smoothly. We hopped in before that firestorm started and luckily got done before that closure. In summary, I made sure I was approaching not with just the emotional plea to have another child, but I tried to do my part to show him that I had given this real effort and done my best to come up with a plan that looked workable to us.

HTH and good luck!

Edited to add: Oh, but I don't think this plan would work for me again. I half jokingly said something about child #3 the other day and as someone above me said his eyes rolled back in his head. LOL

[Devora]

I'm in a similar situation. My husband isn't convinced he wants to have another child.

For me the key is to remind myself that in order for us to have a healthy relationship I have to truly stay open and respect his feelings about the situation. As much as I want to appreciate our discussions about it with a "let me figure out how to convince him" attitude, that is not true to our healthy, respectful relationship. I have to go into each discussion open to hearing how he feels/thinks about it and open to the possibility that we will not have another child.

It's hard because for how ambivalent he is, I'm equally convinced I want another child. But trying to convince or persuade him seems to me like I'm just trying to get what I want. It makes me sad to think that we might not have another child. But the more important thing to me is that we make the decision together -- not that one of us convinces or gives in to the other.

I've done my share of thinking about how I can convince him. But I'm really trying to stay out of that frame of mind and stay open to him and to making the decision together.

[iwantmybaby]

Thanks everybody! You guys give the best advice. I can relate and draw from everyone's posts. Devora, I agree that I want to respect him and I'm thinking I should probably stop thinking "how can I convince him." He is probably thinking "how can I convince her." So, I will pray about it and leave it there.

Thanks again everyone! Brook I look forward to hearing more about what is happening with you. Thankfully summer is right around the corner

Tracy

[amyfk]

HI Tracy

I hope youre well. I have tried for about 2 yr to change my husband's mind to adopt again(we have one child). It never worked. My husband is ten years older than me, works a pretty grueling schedule in his own business and he tells me he's pretty tired.
I think if I were you Id mention it to him that youd like to move ahead with another adoption and then leave it at that. If he comes to you telling you that he'd like to move ahead then great! If not then maybe it isnt meant. I was told it's not a good idea to "coerce"(for lack of a better word) a husband into having another child because it can cause problems and resentments down the road.
I hope you have better luck than I did.
Amy K, NJ

[LJR1974]

Here's an article in Adoptive Families Magazine.
Adoption - Adoptive Families

[Mommy K]

My dh was happy with 2 children and told me this for 10 years..Then one day I brought it up again, and he said okay--I almost fainted! It was the right time for him.
Good Luck!

[wvamom]

I have shared this on the forum before, but my dh and I had a huge conflict before we adopted our first son from Guatemala--we already had three older bio children and he was ready to be "done." Well, he felt that I pushed him into adopting and it put a major strain on our marriage.

But after two years and some counseling, things were going well between us. I felt that it would be good for ds #1 to adopt again (from Guatemala, at the time). We would have two who were close in age, with the same origin, both adopted...so I found our second ds on a photolisting--he was diagnosed with a mild disability. I only say that because I think it made it even more of a long-shot that dh would agree to take the risk of adopting again.

Not only did I think "B" would be perfect for our family, but I also thought dh would have an easier time falling in love with an actual child than with the concept of adopting again.

I had called teh agency about B, and learned as much as I could about him before approaching dh. I asked dh about adopting B, but also assured him that no way would I push this as I had the first time, that it would have to be his decision.

After three weeks, he surprisingly came back to me and said yes. Well, he said, if I'm going to be 60 when J graduates, why not 62 with B? I made sure he was really behind it, then called the agency. I had to reach the liaison on her cell phone, as she was on the road. Turns out she was on her way to another family's house, to try to persuade them to adopt B! Talk about timing! (God's timing, I'd say!)

Anyway, that's the only thought that I have--that men can bond more with a child than with a concept. I hope your dh comes around!
Carolyn