[shelbydog]

I can't believe there is this much drama (and stress!) about a 7 yr old Bday party but here goes. My son turns 7 in May. We planned a party at a sportsplex (dodgeball). We invited 17 kids - about 7 in his class (we cannot invite the whole class - he has 25 in the class). We MAILED the classmates their invites - we are not allowed to send them through backpacks at school unless we invite the entire class - I simply could not invite 25 kids (a few would not come due to financial reasons and have trouble paying for basic needs to begin with!). I mailed my invites 1.5 weeks ago.

First I get a note from the teacher saying one of the kids mentioned Evan's party in front of others, and now feelings have been hurt because not everyone was invited. She asked that I speak to my son about not talking about his party (which HE wasn't...someone else brought it up). I also told his teacher that I had planned on bringing in cupcakes for the entire class on his actual Bday (customary in his class!)

Yesterday, my son comes home with an invite in HIS backpack to a classmate's party (girl). It is for the SAME day and time as my son's - different place. We invited this child to ours. I was aghast and annoyed to say the least. BUT....last night I get an email from her Mom. It seems that the invite to my son's party that we mailed to HER got "lost in the mail" or delivered to the wrong home. She JUST got our invite in the mail yesterday. She apologized and said that of course her daughter cannot make our party and she felt bad about planning the same day/time. She invited his whole class.

Today I find out that a few of the kids that we invited to our party have "chosen" to go to hers instead. My son is heartbroken that they have "chosen" which party they prefer. He told me that today his teacher told a few of the kids that the fair thing to do is to go to the party they were invited to first, which was ours.

I am seriously considering rescheduling our party but feel honestly, that the other Mom should reschedule hers! It's not her fault or anyone's fault that she got her invite late, but I am annoyed beyond words. (I am probably being ridiculous, but am I??).

To boot, so far all of the RSVP's we have gotten is "sorry we cannot make it" mostly due to sports. RSVP's are due Monday (party is May 2) but so far I have mostly no's and only 2 yeses. If I do reschedule, I will invite the whole class....sigh.

What would you do? Advice?? I am asking for my son who is clearly upset that some kids have chosen to go to the other party.

[gwenrenee007]

I would reschedule your party because you can't really count on the other mom to do - if she was going to she would have already. If you reschedule then hopefully the people who "chose" to go to the other will come and you son won't have that to think about at his bday party.

I also would like to comment on how I think it is ridiculous that schools are requiring the whole class to be invited. When I was in school I could invite who I wanted and sometimes I wasn't invited to parties and my feelings were hurt I think it is part of life.

Good luck and I hope your son has a great birthday!!

[shelbydog]

Thank you! I am fairly certain we are going to reschedule for later in May. It just seems like the best thing to do for my son. Then he can attend the other child's party - he was disappointed he would be missing hers due to his, ugh! My parents will still come May 2nd weekend and we'll do a family party (so he can have 2 parties). Having it on a Sunday will help eliminate alot of the sports conflicts we are running into. It's just better all around.

Next year I think we'll just do a slumber party with a few close friends!!

[angieandstever]

I think you are making the right decision by rescheduling. What a bummer for your son Hopefully everyone will attend and he will have a wonderful time!

I do think the rule about requiring everyone be invited IF you are handing out invites at school is entirely appropriate though. I know most schools here are requiring that. I can understand this because I can't imagine being a teacher and how disruptive it would be when some kids start getting invites and others don't and emotions start flying. It might be a part of life, but kids can be cruel. I would much rather just have to mail the invites if it spared another child's feelings. Just like in your situation sometimes you can't invite the whole class. Grade school age children don't always understand that though.

Good luck!!! Happy Birthday to your son!

[crick]

You still have 10 other kids invited not part of his class though, correct? I think I'd wait until Sunday and call those that haven't RSVP'd (pita, but there are people who just don't follow this protocol) to see if they are coming.

I'm curious to know what type of party this girl is having to see if that is the reason kids in his class are choosing to attend hers. Is hers an event etc? Free? A lot of parents don't like to provide a gift AND pay for their child to attend a party too, so just wondered if that is a factor at all.

Hopefully you get enough kids to enjoy a party and can stick to your original plans. If not, then it sounds like you are okay with rescheduling if need be.

[shelbydog]

Both parties are free for the kids - paid for by the parents. The other party is a swimming one (2.5 hours long!) Ours is dodgeball which is a blast around here....done at a neat sports place.

The others who have not RSVP'd are heavily involved in sports too (Tball, soccer) and I have a feeling everyone is trying to work it out and many won't be able to come.

We're pretty set on rescheduling - my parents will still come down and we'll do a family party the original weekend - cake, gifts here - so he isn't upset. Then my MIL will come later in May for the kids' party weekend. We also realized this works better because it separates our parents into 2 weekends (they can be like oil and water together, LOL!)

I am tending to agree with inviting the whole class. This whole thing has been VERY disruptive for the teacher and I'm sure she is tired of it. My son has also been crying going to school - just alot more stressed and anxious and I believe this is what is causing it - he finally opened up to me about it. Life is cruel but it's not fair to put 1st graders in the position of deciding who's party they like best IMHO. The other Mom should have rescheduled I think but doubt she will. I would have it that were me, regardless of the invite getting lost in the mail.

[Devora]

he other Mom should have rescheduled I think but doubt she will.

I don't agree with this -- She didn't know that your son's party was scheduled because of when his invitation arrived at her home. It's an unfortunate situation, but I don't see why she should reschedule because of that.

Surely we all have had the experience of receiving multiple invitations -- we don't expect adults to reschedule events; we just gratefully decline one invitation. I understand that with kids it's harder, but it's not personal. It's just a scheduling issue. Of course your son's feelings are hurt if kids choose the girl's party -- and hers would be hurt if they chose his party. It's possible to comfort the hurt feelings, while at the same time teaching the children that it's not personal.

Would you also expect the kids with athletic commitments to cancel their previous commitment to come to a party? Kids should stick to their commitments as team members. Again, it's an unfortunate scheduling issue and you've learned to schedule on Sunday instead of Saturday. But it's not personal.

[Slatond10]

What a traumatic event for your DS... My DD is 4 ( so a bit younger) but is "ALL ABOUT HER FRIENDS" right now. I can just imagine how devastated she would be in this situation.

You are a special Mom that you decided to reschedule for him. I hope the b-day party turns out to be the BEST HE EVER HAD! No matter what date it is!

[Mommy K]

I would do what you think is best for your son's happiness.

I would also check with the other little girls mom or the teacher to make sure that she isn't sending in cupcakes on the same day too.

[JustBarbara]

Originally Posted by Mommy K

I would do what you think is best for your son's happiness.

I would also check with the other little girls mom or the teacher to make sure that she isn't sending in cupcakes on the same day too.

Yes, that's my feeling on this too. It really doesn't matter if the other mom 'should' reschedule since she didn't know about your party. And, as your child gets older you are going to run into conflicting party invitations - it's not easy. And kids will talk about any party they go to - either before or after the event and I doubt the teacher can stop that. It's human nature. And they are kids. Good luck.

[crick]

Ah okay, I just wondered about the cost since you said in your original post that you didn't invite some kids because of their parent's financial situations. So that led me to believe that the parents were paying for their child to attend the party and not you.

We have the same rule in our school regarding invitations. I never pass out invitations at school and while I can feel for the teacher's frustration, it's really not a situation in our control to stop kids from talking about it. Kids have been having parties for decades and not everyone is always invited.

Scheduling on a Sunday is a good idea and I have found too a Friday evening party works well. Lots of parents welcome the 2-3 hour chance to go out to dinner alone or see a movie.

[BethanyB]

As a first grade teacher, I totally agree with the rule about not sending birthday invitations into school if you are not inviting the whole class. It is disruptive and kids can be cruel so there really is no need for it. It takes a few extra minutes and some money for stamps to avoid the situation.

As far as kids talking about it. I would not have written a note home to the parent but I would have simply and nicely told the child or children who were discussing it that it is best to talk about it privately as it may hurt other kids feelings who were not invited.

As far as rescheduling the party. If you don't have enough kids and if your child is unhappy, I would reschedule it.

Hope your son has a great birthday!

[HenrysMom401]

Even though the "other mom" should reschedule, that's not going to happen, especially since she invited the whole class. Be the bigger person and re-schedule yours, and tell your son that yeah, it's dissapointing, but this way he'll have more guests. If that doesn't work, tell him he'll get more presents. But only as a last resort, of course!

Stuff like this teaches kids more than you know, and how you handle it will teach him even more because he learns by watching your reaction to things. Try to take the emotion out and let it be what it is.

While silently cussing like I would

Good luck.

[Devora]

Even though the "other mom" should reschedule,

Why? This is a sincere question. I'm really not understanding why people think she should reschedule and I would like to understand the reasoning.

The way I look at it,
- she didn't know about the other party at the time she scheduled her daughter's party
- plus (not that I think this point is completely relevant) the party of the OP didn't include the whole class and did include people who were not in the class so it is possible for both parties to occur simultaneously

Am I missing something? Scheduling conflicts happen. We should try to avoid them, especially when children are involved. So I would think differently about the situation if the other mother had known about the OP's party. But she didn't. It was just one of those scheduling conflicts that happen. Why should she be expected to reschedule? Literally half of my son's daycare class have February birthdays. Some of them have parties. No one ever "calls dibs" on a date. If an invitation is received I expect another parent wouldn't then go and schedule a party for the same day simply as a courtesy. But that's not what happened here. An invitation was sent -- the other party was scheduled -- then the invitation was received. It's just a fluke.

[shelbydog]

Originally Posted by Devora

Why? This is a sincere question. I'm really not understanding why people think she should reschedule and I would like to understand the reasoning.

The way I look at it,
- she didn't know about the other party at the time she scheduled her daughter's party
- plus (not that I think this point is completely relevant) the party of the OP didn't include the whole class and did include people who were not in the class so it is possible for both parties to occur simultaneously

Am I missing something? Scheduling conflicts happen. We should try to avoid them, especially when children are involved. So I would think differently about the situation if the other mother had known about the OP's party. But she didn't. It was just one of those scheduling conflicts that happen. Why should she be expected to reschedule? Literally half of my son's daycare class have February birthdays. Some of them have parties. No one ever "calls dibs" on a date. If an invitation is received I expect another parent wouldn't then go and schedule a party for the same day simply as a courtesy. But that's not what happened here. An invitation was sent -- the other party was scheduled -- then the invitation was received. It's just a fluke.

Because she invited the same group of children! I feel that when she realized that my invite went out almost 2 weeks before, she should have said "oops - I sent mine out really late didn't I...why don't I see if I can have mine at another time!"

The issue is that her daughter's feelings are getting hurt too - not just my son's. Kids are talking about the party and picking and choosing in front of the 2 birthday kids. It's a tight-knit class that has been together the entire year - many were in school last year together - this little girl and my son are good friends!

IMO, if I were the other Mom, I would have moved my party time since that is the right thing to do. And by inviting the whole class, the entire class is now talking about it (which is what's allowed when the whole class is invited).

We're all different but if I were the other Mom, I would feel awful and do everything in my power to not interfere with someone else's party.

And no, of course I do not expect kids in sports to skip their games for my son's party. Who inferred that?? Several of our other friends (not in my son's class) that we invited have sports commitments which is why they cannot come.