[amyfk]

Hi to the group,

This is a post Id rather not post but I really dont know what to do. Over the past year my husband and I developed some marital problems(we have been married 12 yr.).
OF course, both of us have things to work on. My husband talks to his dad all the time. We had a big fight two months ago. After that my FIL stopped visiting us and stopped talking to me. The Passover holiday was very awkward.
We had another big fight this past Monday evening. My husband knows that Ive already had problems with his father and his dad's girlfriend(his mom is deceased).
He told his father all of the details of our fight and of course his side.
EArlier today we had a family party for my husband's brother's wife. She turned 40. Her family sat together and I sat with my husbands family. It was awkward because my FIL and his girlfriend sat next to us and we didnt talk at all. I hated it.
We are reaching out to family counselors to resolve our problems. I am hoping to have someone by the end of the week. I have some names.
Anyway, I know that Mother's and Father's Day is coming up. Normally Id like to do something at my home. My sister in law was gracious enough to do Passover. I wouldnt want her to do more. But on the other hand, I dont feel like doing anything for my father in law if ignores me all the time and doesnt come to visit us anymore.
I really dont know what to do. Do I bite the bullet and have his dad over? Or could I just have an informal year and go to a play in NY or something instead?
Thanks, Ive been very upset about all of this,
Amy K, NJ

[angieandstever]

Wow that stinks. Personally I feel your husband should call his father and tell him that although you both have fights/issues and he confesses some private details to him about your issues they are YOUR issues as a married couple. They are not his therefore he should not give you the silent treatment and treat you as if the issues are between you and him instead of your husband and you. Does this make sense? Hopefully your husband, no matter how big the issues are between the two of you, can at least recognize that you do not deserved to be treated like crap by his father and only he can make this situation right.

Good luck! I feel bad for you. What a rotten situation to be in all around

[amyfk]

Thanks very much Angie. He once talked to his dad already to tell him this but after our last fight he talked to his dad to give him all of the details again. I asked him next time that he can tell his dad that he fought, but not to share the details.
Thanks for your time and help,
Amy K, NJ

[amyfk]

bumping up for help.

[ej-momtobe]

Tough situation. Mothers day is for you...you should do what you want and that should not be required to include DH's father. Father's day is your DH's day. Let him decide what he wants to do. If he wants to do something with his dad, let him spend some quality father son time with his dad...without you.

Go to a play in NY...that sounds like the best option this year.

[amyfk]

thanks EJ. I was wondering if it was selfish of me, but in a way I think I have to take care of myself this year. it's been a rough run. I appreciate it. Too much guilt I guess.
Amy K, NJ

[amyfk]

bumping up for more advice.

[GuatMommy2Be]

I don't know if it's just us but we don't celebrate those holidays with our parents anymore. Certainly we call, card, gift/flowers but spend the day with each other.

My suggestion is to plan a mother/daughter outing for Mother's Day & don't worry about Father's Day yet. I also believe that your husband should consider finding another venting partner, one that is not so-closely related, and knows that in that moment - it's venting and won't look at you differently. I have one friend that I can tell EVERYTHING to, have known her since I was 13, and I know if I vent about life, hubby, my tot - whatever.... that she won't hold it against me, and won't take whatever argument I had with my hubby out on him.

I wish you the best working on your marriage.

[cbmstephanie]

It's so hard when your marriage is going through a strained time. I too went through a rough patch and holidays, family events were the worst. You just have to do what you think is best. It's so hard. I do think however, your husband needs to realize that although he may need someone to talk to, he should probably talk to someone other than his father, so that when you do work things out, you can get back to a normal relationship with him. Good Luck.

[amyfk]

Thank you all for your advice. The main catalyst that started off our marital problems, ironically, was his closest friend, who liked him but didnt like me and my daughter. He tried to keep my husband to himself and leave us out. That was whom my husband liked to spend all his free time with, but the relationship was destructive to our marriage. I do agree that it's probably a better idea for him to find someone else to vent to besides his dad. Its' not working for me. I will be calling therpists early on this week. Hopefully once we get in there, we can talk and my husband can find new fulfilling and supportive friendships where he can vent to friends.
Thanks again,
Amy K, NJ

[mamaskoby]

I am sorry you are going through all this. Marriage is so hard, you always have to work on something! I think you may have to open your mind (this is very hard I know) and accept the fact that your husband talks to his dad about his problems. I am not saying your dh shouldn't talk to someone else, I am saying its hard to control/change other people. Believe me I have been trying to for years but my dh tells his sisters and family everything. Once I accepted this, things got alot better!
What you may want to tell his side of the family is that there are 2 sides to every story. They too have to keep an open mind and remember they are hearing your dh's interpretation of the fight, they are not getting the whole story or being presented both sides, so its an unfair advantage to your husband.
Good luck to you! Keep us posted.

[amyfk]

HI Anna,

I totally understand what you are saying. I basically tell my mom(and two friends everything). So I can understand my husband's need to talk to his dad(my mil is deceased)
. the only thing is that my parents have been able to do which he hasnt, is step away from things and they dont want to get involved, which I give them credit for. My FIL unfortunately hasnt been able to do this. I had asked him as a favor to babysit for us while we went to the first therapist(who didnt work out, im looking for a new one)and he kept skirting the issue because he was annoyed at me. In the past we has glad to babysit. He also doesnt talk to me. So unfortunately this has become an issue as well.
Amy K, NJ

[myrachel]

Amy,
so sorry this is happeningto you, but I think your suggestion of going to a play is the way to go. personally, I wouldnt have your FIL over for anything, & when fathers day comes up worry about it then, but if it were me I would tell my DH t ospend time with his father if thats what he wanted to do but I wouldnt be participating.. family dont always get along, but to ignore you completely is uncalled for.

good luck

[giovanni7460]

Amy,
I am sorry that your going thru such a hard time. You have gotten so much good advice here. For me I learned a long time ago that what goes on in my marriage stays in my house. I have gone to close friends but only those that would not judge me or my husband after life calms down. Its very hard for most families to go back to your "normal". I have been thru therapy (a lot) and its wonderful to just lay your life out there and not feel judged in anyway. I hope that your husband learns to trust someone other then his father. Thats not fair to you. Its seems immature of the father as well. Take your daughter and have a mommy and me wonderful Mothers Day. After all it is your day.
Patty

[starryeyes]

I'm sorry, but I think it's the FIL's issue and he is being immature. When your DH tries to talk to him, he should direct him to a peer that is neutral. Just have a good holiday and do not feel guilty or selfish if you do not want to become involved with him.

Sorry you are going through this.