[JosieWales]

I have serious mom-guilt. I feel guilty for the following things:

-spending not enough time w/Ian
-spending not enough time w/Owen
-spending too little time reading to Ian/Owen
-what Owen eats for dinner sometimes
-not having the time/energy to be as creative with playing w/Ian as I did when Owen was a baby
-not singing to them enough
-not taking them outside enough
-letting Owen watch too much TV
-not giving each enough individual time
-letting OWen scream when he doesn't want to be in his crib at night
-NOT letting him scream but giving in when he doesn't want to be in his crib at night
-holding Owen down to get him dressed in the mornings when he's throwing a fit

...and so forth. I know I'm a good mommy. But I'm plagued w/second-guessing myself. Constantly. Does anyone else deal w/this??? HOW?!? I'm driving myself nuts.

[SKL]

I don't do all the things I thought I would do with my girls. But, I notice they are doing very well with the mishmash of experiences they do have. As long as the environment is positive and "real," they will flourish no matter what specific experiences they have. And besides, they will appreciate it that much more when you do get a chance to sing to them, read to them, etc.

As far as reacting to behavior, I'm a firm believer in doing what feels right at the time (within legal limits, of course). You can always find someone to tell you you've done the wrong thing if you ask around, so don't. Be proud of the unique things you are able to provide for your sons.

[SKL]

Another thing - don't underestimate the benefit that both of your sons receive from having a sibling. In my opinion (coming from a large family), the reduction in time you are able to give each child is more than offset by the benefits of having a brother. So, be proud, not guilty, that your boys have sibling time instead of only mommy time.

[kacmom1]

Don't worry yourself so much! Just spend you time and energy having fun and enjoying your son! Believe me they grow up so fast and you'll be shocked at how the time flies!

Kids are so resilient and will be just fine. It's ok to let them cry sometimes, to let them play by themselves, to let them sit in front of the tv occassionally! Think of all of the neglected kids in OUR country and around the world. Amazingly they survive! Your child is NO WHERE near being neglected!!! Your child is in a loving home and just being with people who love him means so much!!!!

Enjoy your kids!!!!!

[Guatemom]

WOW, BECCA!!! I could have written that post b/c I feel exactly like that a lot of the time!! Between Connor & Cristian, I feel like I'm always doing something wrong, leaving something/someone out, or just not doing quite what 'should' be done, etc.

SKL...I love your responses, they are so helpful!!

[iwantmybaby]

Boy can I relate!!! The only difference is my list is longer than yours! I try to just pray and know that God loves my children more than I ever could, and he will take care of them. Seriously, that is how I get through it. I am not perfect, but I want to be. I can only do what I can do. Sometimes I screw up, sometimes I get it right. That is how life works though. When you lay your head down at night and those thoughts creep in; PUSH them out and fill up your head with ALL the great moments you and your sons shared together that day.

[GuatMommy2Be]

Don't beat yourself up. We all want to do more, and we are ALL doing the very best we can. You are a wonderful Mother - and your boys know you love them.

[DDAmasa]

You're certainly not alone. I think most of us feel the same way. I sometimes fall asleep thinking how many times during the day I yelled at my three year old and feeling like the worst mom in the world. Instead of happily playing imaginative, creative games like the mothers in magazines, I'm more likely to be yelling at him not to leap off the top of the table, bounce balls off the tv, swing from doorknobs, try to lasso the cat and so on.

Coincidentally, I just read this article:

Moms spill truth about motherhood - CNN.com

[vegaschristina]

It's amazing. Every time I pray...every single time...I pray to God to make me a better mom to my kids. I think guilt is just a part of being a mom, for the reasons you listed and so many more.

[JosieWales]

iwantmybaby--Um, my list was far from exhaustive...

Although I don't wish guilt on any of you, it IS good to know I'm not the only mommy who does her best all the time but still ends up swimming in self-doubt! Thanks for the words of encouragement.

[linda512]

I only have one but feel the guilt also. I am a single, working mother so it is hard and I have to leave him at night sometimes.
I feel guilty about all the same things and more- he still has his pacifier at 3, what am I doing? He watches too much tv, I don't play with him every time he asks "you pway if me mommy", etc, etc. And then I have guilt about my dog too! She doesn't get enough attention, exercise, etc.
When I am really rational, I know that my son is happy and healthy and can see that, as I am sure your boys are. I think a little bit of guilt is normal- at least I hope it is!

[JosieWales]

I saw this article, which summarizes what moms think about being mommies now and in the past...and also talks a lot about 'mom guilt.' It's not a scientific poll, but it's interesting.
The best and worst things about being a mom today | BabyCenter

[arthymom]

Ironically, when I was home on maternity leave, I did drive myself nuts w/the guilt, and anxiety about attachment, etc.... Now with full time work again, I don't have time to feel guilty because the times they sit in front of the tv are minimal since both are either at school or daycare all day, and we get home and they do watch a bit while dinner gets cooked, but then we play and give hugs and enjoy the little time together. And dd does cry because she is going through the "I don't want to be alone in my big girl bed", but I hold firm despite some tears and she falls asleep just fine. So yes, I used to feel the same guilt before, but not now. Too busy to feel the guilt!

[JosieWales]

Originally Posted by arthymom

Ironically, when I was home on maternity leave, I did drive myself nuts w/the guilt, and anxiety about attachment, etc.... Now with full time work again, I don't have time to feel guilty because the times they sit in front of the tv are minimal since both are either at school or daycare all day, and we get home and they do watch a bit while dinner gets cooked, but then we play and give hugs and enjoy the little time together. And dd does cry because she is going through the "I don't want to be alone in my big girl bed", but I hold firm despite some tears and she falls asleep just fine. So yes, I used to feel the same guilt before, but not now. Too busy to feel the guilt!

These past 2w we finally are holding firm w/Owen and bedtime. We tell him he's ok, we're right out in the living room and we'll see him in the morning, and he may cry a little for us (we just holler back in to him, "You're ok! We're right here!") but he's been dropping off to sleep w/in a couple minutes! Thank God. Guilt alleviated there. Now if I could only get that sort of result in the rest of our lives...

[arthymom]

With our first, we started putting up a gate at his door and doing a lot of that calling into the room and saying "we love you...Now go back to bed." Yes there were tears. I totally felt guilt, but when I had a better rested child who wasn't cranky all day. I think w/dd, I feel more guilt about leaving her alone b/c she is adopted, but then I realize that she is better rested (ok, so she still doesnt' sleep through the night...But that's another story) but she does go to bed earlier when we are firm. So I have learned to say bye to the bedtime guilt in favor of well-rested kids. I make it up plenty when I'm with them. Kids don't want to be alone at night, which is plenty understandable. And yet they need sleep, so I think that being firm is fine at night because they will try to test that area. And I'm also learning to not treat my kids differently so much either...Not to be extra sensitive because dd was adopted but to realize that it's likely better in the long run if I parent them more similarly.
Take care,