[cbmstephanie]

I'm not quite sure why I feel this way...I know I shouldn't let others dictate how I feel about myself, but I guess in this instance I do. I just feel like others don't quite put me in the same category as other mom's.

Maybe it's just me, but I really think that this is what other's think of me. I get this feeling because of little things that happen...a couple of weeks ago a co worker was asking about ear infections and my input was brushed off, a couple days later, my input on babies sleeping through the night was taken lightly.

The icing on the cake was a baby shower I went to. I told the mother to be to not hesitate to call me, I would help her however I could, I told her that no question was stupid and not to feel like she was alone, because she wasn't. I then overheard someone state that they weren't quite sure how I could give that advice...after all...my children are adopted. I could have cried right there. Actually, I still could cry right now. It just makes me sad that others don't see me as a real mom.

What makes me even sadder is the thought that my children may think that. I hope not.

OK...done feeling sorry for myself....gotta get my mom self together....whether others think I am or not, someone has to do the dishes and plan meals for the week, worry about their nutrition and how much sleep they are getting.

[Gatos]

I am so sorry this happened to you. You were being such a good friend to the expectant mom - so sweet.

And you brought back such a sad memory for me that I'll get to in a second, but, first, a little philosophy:

I decided when I adopted Kari 9 years ago that I was going to have to, for her sake and for mine, confront people who make remarks like that about adopted families. I decided that as awkward and uncomfortable as it may make me feel, I have to get in the habit of speaking out and not allowing remarks like that to go unchecked because one day she will have to confront remarks like that, and I will want her to stand up to them and offer education and information so that incorrect assumptions about adoptive families do not continue. I have personally witnessed my daughter bravely and politely educating other people about adoption, so I know that it has all been worth it. (A new friend was in the car with us and said, "Why did your real mom give you away?" Kari laughed and said, "Silly! This IS my real mom! The lady who had me couldn't take care of me and she found somebody who could.")

My long ago story: I had just brought Kari home and was out to dinner with a bunch of female colleagues. I had just passed around pictures of Kari and everyone "oohed and ahhed". Moments later another colleague was mentioned who was pregnant and had found out she was pregnant with a girl. A good friend of mine said, "Finally! A girl!" Others chimed in with relief as many babies born to staff at our school recently had been boys. I ran to the bathroom, bawled, and then I left. The next day, as hard as it was, I forced myself to call my colleague and confront her about what she had said. I did it for my daughter, and I did it for myself. It didn't help my relationship with that friend as it was awkward, but I don't care. There are certain things you have to force yourself to face for their sake.

That is why I recommend that you contact this person and say, "I overheard what you said yesterday about . . . ." I know it is hard to do, but it is important for you and your girls not to just let it go.

Again, it breaks my heart that this happened to you just as you were demonstrating the beautiful sisterhood of mothering. You are such a great mom and friend. You didn't deserve to be treated that way.

[lmvsmom]

Gatos, great post! I am so proud of you and your daughter! I agree with you 100%. We must be willing to have these conversations on a non-emotional, matter of fact level with people if we ever expect them to change their attitudes about adoption.

[P.E.Z.]

This person has no idea what they are talking about .
I gave birth to our oldest daughter and adopted our second daughter and about to bring home our 3rd daughter who is now 7 years old .
I am NO less a mother to my 2 youngest daughters than my oldest .
I can tell you from experience , adopting a child is MUCH harder than birthing one .
After that, it's all the same.
So, in some ways maybe your more of a mom than this idiot !

By the way your daughters are beautiful !!!

[WaitingforBrian]

STephanie, You have fought good and hard over the last few years to get your gorgeous family together and happy. Don't for one minute let anyone get under your skin.
It is my belief that people don't mean to be hurtful. They just don't always think before they speak.
If it really niggles you and you can't escape, then the suggestion to gently take her aside and say, 'I overheard your comment.....' may be a useful exercise.
Otherwise, look at your kids, they are your kids, you are their mother and that is that.
I work with a girl who is adopted and when I was getting anxious about bonding and attachment issues with Brian when he spent his 7 months(seems short now but at the time....) in PGN, she kept saying, yes its a complicated issue is adoption but at the end of the day kids respond to love and thats what is important. Your kids have been surrounded by love.
I wouldn't worry too much if I were you.
HUGS Bernie

[robandjulie]

The only thing I can think of in that woman's defense (and forgive me, but I do tend to be a peacekeeper) is that you may not have the experience of a newborn, recovery from labor & delivery,etc...all that experience that can be more relevant than general parenthood in the first month or so. Just like someone who has given birth may mean well but not be fully equipped to give advice on attachment, transition, dealing with questions about birth parents, etc.; although there's still plenty that is just general motherhood and your experience would be very valuable It does not excuse a snarky remark or her attitude. And it does not in any way justify dismissing your insights on ear infections or sleeping through the night (unless you prefaced your remarks with issues related to your adoptions which might make them think it was different.)

I guess that's my take on it. We have a daughter by birth and a son through adoption and I do parent them a bit differently because at this stage they have different needs from us. I don't think of Jorge as "special needs" but in some ways he is when it comes to handling nighttime issues, attachment opportunities, or interpreting some unusual eating or other issues. We think longer and harder and try to respond more carefully than we might have with a child we knew was fully attached and not grieving anything.

So I would think it's not that you are in any way LESS than a mother (oh gracious you are most definitely a mother and a great one at that!) but that you are a mother of children with special histories and needs when it comes to interpreting some situations and dealing with behaviors or whatever. It really shouldn't change the value of your experience with ear infections or general issues, but maybe it would for some other issues. I know with DS if I am talking about how he's not sleeping well and a non-adoptive parent chimes in with "just let him cry it out; get some earplugs" I appreciate their intent but I discount their experience because they don't know the issues at play.

To that end, it seems like adoptive parents might be better equipped to handle giving advice to parents of bio than the other way around. Super mom.

[Mil]

No one can make you feel inferior unless you let them.

[SKL]

Adoption will always be a foreign concept to some people. Until they really sit down and think about it intelligently / emotionally, some people just don't get it. That is their problem, not yours!

Be confident in your full momhood and this will tell you when to pipe up and when to just feel sorry for the idiot who made a dumb comment. Most of the time, I hear a dumb comment and I smile and put a positive spin on it. The ignorant person realizes his/her mistake and everyone moves forward.

What makes a mom? As soon as "the buck stops here" with your kids' needs, futures, etc., that's when you're "mom." I can think of quite a few biological moms who just barely come in under the wire on that!

[krafmatic]

You are most definitely a mom...with a capital M!

Having the experience of being a biological mom of 2 and an adoptive mom of 2 I can say that they both have unique challenges, but similar ones as well. I've had sleepless nights with each of my children, kissed all of their ouchies, and been brought to tears when each of them called me mommy/mama for the first time. What makes me their mommy is not how I came to be their parent, but in everything I do in my day.

People will say things, correct them if you feel like...or don't. It's your choice.

[Hopingsoon]

I understand how you feel. I started working in a newly formed department in May, and my adoption was finalized in December. Over a year later, someone got pregnant, and our VP was running around excitedly talking about the department's first baby. I was upset about it, but only said something to a couple of my friends. I think one of them said something to the VP, because he never said it again.

[b_fettes]

You are clearly not imagining it; the comments you overheard just confirm what these people's opinions are.

I have felt like you but now I see it really differently.
What I KNOW now is that I have the best kids in the world. Anyone who does not understand, they just don't know what they are missing. I would not trade places with the parents of birth children . I know what I have got is perfect. Their children are perfect for them , mine are to me.
We have 2 open adoptions and I know that our children often miss their mums and dads in Guatemala. It is not a competition, they have enough love for us all. So when your children grow up, they will always love
People who dismiss your advice are just being silly. You have a wonderful family and are a great parent .

[dadtothree]

IMO, family comes first. If they do not respect you as their mother, then move on. Find new friends that do. They are not worth crying over. Life is way to short to let that type of person make you feel bad about yourself. You are a terrific MOM!

[mommytoEli]

they are so right. i am not quite a mom either. isn't it awesome when your adopted child comes with their own nanny who gets up and cares for them in the night when they are sick and takes them to the doctors and trains them to pee in the potty? gotta love adoption. lol. really? come on. we do all the things a "real" mom does other than push them out of our bodies. i think in some ways, we deal with more probelms due to issues that arise from institutionalization or attachment. i understand what you are feeling, because i have felt that way before too...but the bottom line is i am a very real mom who deals with very real parenting problems and issues. even if they really felt like you were the last person that could offer advice about newborns because you brought your baby home later, it was still snotty to say outloud. but let it go.....you are a mom....your children believe that. even my snotty teenagers(who are also adopted) who see me more as a warden and have very little respect for me KNOW that at the end of the day, i will make sure, like a mom, that they have everything they need, and most of what they want....and that regardless of how much i have nagged them that day, i still love them. lol.

[loveajax]

Stephanie, how rude! I am so sorry you were made to feel this way. People can be so horribly clueless.

I have to say I had kind of the "opposite" problem. Friends would call me for parenting advice and I felt like, "Who me?" like how could they give birth and have questions for me?! But it was then I realized that all moms have to deal with the same stuff.

I did have one HORRIBLE night. I was wedged between two women who had dds about the same age as mine (toddlers). They both talked about breastfeeding the WHOLE time....I was like, geez, do you think we could talk about how the girls are doing or something? Then one of them piped in that even though I adopted, I really should have breastfed. Ay caramba! (I couldn't stop thinking....but hey, my DD is much more gorgeous and advanced than your 2 girls...and all on formula...sometimes snark helps!).

Hang in there! You are a real mom and believe me those women should welcome any help or advice you can give!

[dpen6]

You know what? At the end of the day what really counts is what your children feel.

As others have said to some people the thought of adoption is foreign to them and are totlly unable to beleive that it IS possible for an adopted child and adoptive mother have the "same" realtionship as total bio families. So it will be up to you to assure YOU feel comfortable in your mommyhood(I know thats hard for EVERY mother, let alone a mom that has to deal with others ignorant comments) so your children can be secure in their daughterhoods!

AS an an adoptee I can tell you with no uncertianty that my mom was my mom...period! To this day she holds that place in my heart and she has been gone almost 13 years.