[AdoptingDebora]

I am dealing with a stressful situation at work related to someone's very hurtful comments about my adoption and would love some support and advice on what to do.

I teach in the English department at my school and have been thinking about transferring back to the foreign language department to teach American Sign Language (which requires me to re-certify in ASL). This makes a lot of sense for me right now because my daughter in Guatemala is deaf and will also be learning American Sign Language when she comes to live with me (as well as continuing to learn both Spanish and English)... so it has renewed my passion to work with and teach about Deaf culture and language.

So, I asked the other ASL teacher to write me a letter of recommendation for my re-certification. She offered to do so, and I gave her a copy of my cover letter for the state licensure board with details about my credentials to help her compose her letter accurately.

Yesterday she came up to me and said, "I cannot write a letter for you because I feel the information in your letter is deceitful." Of course, I was shocked and asked her why she felt that way. She stated that at on point in my letter I mentioned that my daughter is deaf. She thinks this is deceitful because she is "not my daughter yet." I explained to her that even though the paperwork is not complete, that she most definitely is my daughter and that everyone in her life and my life now considers her my daughter. I have visited her in Guatemala a total of five times, she is eight years old and understands very clearly what adoption means, and we have already bonded as a family. The teacher continued to stress that she cannot in good conscience write a letter for me because she feels that the information about my daughter is inaccurate and she cannot support a DECEITFUL application!!!! She seemed very upset about it, didn't want to talk, and was in a hurry to get back to her class.

At first, I was taken aback and offered to re-write my letter to use the word "in process of adopting..." if that made her feel more comfortable. Then later I thought about it and realized how extremely rude, cruel, and insensitive her remark was. How dare she characterize me as a deceitful liar!!! In my mind, that's like telling a woman who has just had a miscarriage that she should just "get over it" because the baby was never born so it wasn't "really" her child yet!!!! Imagine telling parents of a miscarried child that their grieving process or even burying the child is in some way DECEITFUL!!!! Just because Debora isn't home yet does not mean that I love her any less or that our mother-daughter relationship is any less legitimate!!!

So... here's my dilemma: Now that I'm so angry at this person, I'm not sure that I want to transfer over to that department, as we would be the only two ASL teachers in the school and would need to work very closely together. Unless she realizes how incredibly ignorant she was and offers an apology, I don't think I can stand to look at her face every day. However, I also am getting very burned out teaching English and have really been hoping for a fresh start teaching ASL. Leaving my school completely is another option, but that would cause a lot of stress, too, and possibly cause a financial setback.

I have already asked other people for recommendation letters, so I don't really need her stinking letter anymore. I just need to figure out how to handle this. Do I confront her and tell her how I feel and try to patch things up so we can work better together? Do I just ignore it, chalk it up to ignorance, and move forward with my plans to transfer to ASL anyway (and keep my daughter FAR away from her when she gets here!)? Or do I back off completely and just stay in my present English teaching job so that I don't have to deal with her so closely next year? Am I being too sensitive about this?

I was so upset about this after it happened that even my students were asking me what was wrong. I know that I will have to deal with rude and insensitive people all the time now that I'm adopting... but I just didn't think it would be someone that I might need to work with closely on a daily basis.

Thoughts? Advice? Words of encouragement?

Thanks!

[AdoptAmiga]

That really stinks. What a class A jerk... So glad to hear you were able to get the letters you need.

If it's ASL you want, go for it. If you end up working closely w/her, (unfortunately) grin and bear it. You'll never know what will happen - she may transfer/leave, you may be reassigned, etc. I learned long ago not to let anyone influence me because of loyalty or circumstance. I did what was best for me.

You are your daughter's mother and a dumbo's contradictory opinion doesn't matter.

[lcikra00]

I am in such shock right now I don't even know what to say. My initial reaction is to just verbally abuse the hell out of this woman, but I know that is not the right thing to do. Again, I am just at a loss for words. I am sorry.

[joepegcamp]

I read this a few hours ago, and I'm still furious. I want to think about this before I give advice/opinions. Like the other posters, my first reaction was a verbal slapping coupled with my foot in her rear parts. But that's neither lady like or appropriate.

I understand how upset you are. I would be too. The collective wisdom of the women (and men) on this board will help.

Geez. What a lousy thing to happen.

[cbmstephanie]

I think I would try to talk to her again, possibly with someone else present as a mediator. I don't think you are wrong with the way that you feel, but I suspect that she feels the same way. Maybe if someone else were there as a negotiator, mediator, detached third party, you would both be able to get your points across and be able to have a mutually beneficial relationship.

[rapf777]

Can I come visit you and take care of that ruthless person for ya....that made my blood boil. How dare her tell you that you are being deceitful....SHAME on her. When I was telling people about "our daughter" while in the process not one person told me that I shouldn't be calling her that until she got home...they all knew better than that. I would follow your heart and even if it means working side by side...just keep it on a professional level and do not tell her anything more about your adoption..and when she asks just say "everything is GREAT"

[SKL]

I would be very touchy about being called a liar! First of all, I assume she knew you at some level if you asked her for a recommendation letter. So how could she just conclude that you are a liar?

I think I would have to ask her for a time to talk about this (after you have cooled down). I would explain that in the adoption community, most of us refer to our children as "our son/daughter" because that's what they are in our hearts. It is not done to mislead in any way, nor was that your intent. You would be fine reporting the situation to others outside the adoption community in technical terms, i.e., you are in the process of adopting a deaf child. But you want her to understand that you never meant to be deceitful, and that you were shocked to hear her say that since honesty is very important to you.

I think it would be too difficult for me to work side by side with a person who didn't respect me. I think it would be worth a try to clarify so that she at least doesn't think that. She may still feel she was right about not saying you have a deaf daughter, but to me, that wouldn't be as important as her believing that I had no intent to deceive.

[MamaS]

If you want to teach ASL go for it. As the others have said, she may not be there by the time you get there.
However, what she said is technically true, however hurtful and insensitive it was. It is just exactly the same remark made to APs who write in and say "our birthmother changed her mind and took our baby back". There is always someone (usually a FirstMom) who jumps in and says "too bad, so sad, but it wasn't YOUR baby until all the papers were signed!"
The truth hurts. Your colleague's attitude stinks. If she had used the words "technically incorrect" instead of "deceitful" it would have been kinder and more accurate. If you have to work with her, you should tell her so.
However, when your daughter arrives, I would not keep her "far away from" you colleague. I would parade her in front of her every chance you got. Because she is PROOF that you were telling the truth and you got your daughter and your job and she gets to swallow her misplaced pride and arrogance.

[WaitingforBrian]

Hi
I have a bit of a suspicious mind and wonder is she trying to deter you from joining the department in question. Would your joining the department result in changes for her and is that her motivation? Either way, the question here is not was she wrong,,,,,, OF COURSE SHE WAS,,,, SHe was OUT OF ORDER,,, but what you want out of life. I mean this, You want a change from your current job and enjoy the prospect of teaching ASL. If you want to do this then do it. You have the advantage... you already 'know the enemy' so you can go into a job prepared with a survival and enjoyment stratedgy ready. SHe shouldn't stop you. It would be worse if you joined the new department and only then found out. AT least now you can set boundaries very early on of what behaviours you will tolerate and will not tolerate. Your new job , on that basis, won't necessarily be any more stressful and may be easier in fact.

Good luck in your decision
Bernie

[angel_bayou]

I would go for the ASL position if that's what you want. I however would also confront her about her statement and report her to her supervisor as well! To me this is NOT acceptable at all!! It was RUDE in the highest way!

[Devora]

I'm sorry that you were so hurt by this. Being called deceitful is a very serious accusation and is not what you were doing. It makes sense that you are hurt and angry.

If you decide to talk with her further about it, however, I think you need to acknowldge that while her reaction was extreme, she raised a valid distinction that many people do think is important to keep in mind -- that a child is not legally our child until the adoption is complete. Many adoptive parents think this is an important distinction to make, as do many birth/first parents and many adoption professionals. Of course many of us bond with our hoped-for-children during the process, especially if we visit them and even moreso if we visit multiple times. Of course you love her and are bonding with her. Of course you feel like family and in an emotional sense that means you are family even now. But unless the adoption decree has been issued, you are not legally her parent. If it has been issued and you are waiting for the visa to be issued then you are still in a precarious position as we all have heard of cases that the US doesn't issue a visa on or that the decree is annulled. So the disctinction the woman made is not just a technical distinction.

It may be that she was being hurtful or does not understand what it's like to be in the process of adopting a child or doesn't agree with adoption in general. Or perhaps it's because she's been touched by adoption in some way in her own life -- as a birth/first parent, as an adoptee, as someone who tried to adopt, as someone who was in foster care, or as someone who loves another person who had one of those experiences.

If you want to repair your relationship with her then I think that will require acknowledging that she raised a valid distinction that is important to keep in mind. You can tell her (without justifying yourself) that you do understand that distinction. Then ask that you both respect one another's differences in what you think is the appropriate way to talk about that distinction/family/adoption. I think the respect has to go both ways. She raised a valid point, even if it was in a way that hurt. You also have a valid experience of loving your hoped-for-daughter. Repairing your relationship will only happen if the validity of both perspectives is acknowledged.

[SKL]

The more I think about this . . . if I had been in that ASL teacher's shoes, I would have come back to you to talk about whether you'd agree to state the facts in a more accurate way, i.e., that you are in the process of adopting. Then if you'd given me the wink and asked me to just ignore the distinction, I might tell you politely that my personal principles don't allow that. I've done that plenty of times! But to call someone a liar over the casual usage of a term . . . that's really inexcusable. I'd be concerned that she'd try to poison my other professional relationships if she has this kind of negativity toward me. I don't think I could just let this go and still work alongside this woman.

Good luck in deciding the right thing to do.

[Shannavi]

Wow. The things I'd like to say. BUT maybe she doen't understand the process of your adoption. I'm not sticking up for her because I would have used some pretty colorful language to tell her what I think of her comment. I'm just trying to understand WHY the H-E-double hockey sticks she'd feel/react that way. I say go for the job if it would make you happy but could you go to your supervisor/principle privately and explain that situation in case she made a big stink on how you got the transfer? Then after things calmed down maybe take paperwork in to show her that she is your daughter. AND when she comes home PARADE HER PROUDLY at work. :-)

[JillnChris]

While I think it was extremely rude for her to come back to you and call you decietful I don't necessarily think that she was trying to be cruel in wanting you to change the information.
I tend to be a stickler for the rules and probably would have brought it up to you as well. Although I would have been much much kinder about it. Told you that it was my issue that I worried so much about those kinds of things and not wanting anything to come back on me where someone could say that I perpetuated something that wasn't completley legally true.
I'm sorry that you have to deal with this person. But I wouldn't let her get in the way of you doing what you want to do! I also would probably just have someone else write the letter to show her that you are upset about the accusations she made.

[nwparents]

I'm in shock. I can't believe she said that to you - what a witch! Working with her every day could be hellish. If she goes so far as to accuse you of being a liar regarding your adoption, one can only imagine what other delightful comments she'll grace you with over time. I would avoid her and her high horse at all costs.