[JillnChris]

I don't know when this started I want to say a month or two back. DD started doing this thing where she does not want me to get her out of her crib in the morning. Sometimes it is just that she wants me to take out or blanky and pillow but other times she doesn't want to be taken out at all. The problem is that if I leave her in there and go about my business she screams and cries bloody murder. Or if I take her out anyways she does the same thing. I try to hold her and talk calmly in her ear, I try leaving in her room by herself with some toys, NOTHING works.
Her emotional outbursts are really starting to alarm me. Do you think I need to contact a child psychologist or attachment therapists? Or do I just need to talk to a counselor for myself? This behavior sends my blood pressure through the roof and I feel like loosing it myself sometimes.
I just want to clarify this is not just a little bit of crying and protest this is a full on emotional hurricane like I've never seen come out of a two year old.

[mksilvermoon]

sounds like a toddler control thing to me - my DD is 2 and 4 months and my goodness she has lungs!!! i see her as a scientist who is conducting experiments in what will work in this world to help her feel in control and safe - so she is trying noise and drama at the minute! it is not all the time and it moves around a bit but it is a feature right now

if that was DD not wanting to be taken out of the crib or left alone in the room then i would lift her out calmly and bring her to the room i am needing to be in (counting to ten in my head) so that she can see that i am physically there - but i go on with what i need to do - every so often i check in and ask 'are you done?' and at some point she says 'yes' and then she is done! and i quickly engage her in something else - it usually works so far - it's like she is trying to see what will happen if she does this (ie will i do what she wants) but then she gets to a point of not knowing how to 'stop' this epsiode - so i give her a way out (of saying she is done) the safety of me in sight, but no reward for the 'noise'

now the big condition is that is if I am tired or stressed then i am less centred and able to deal with any of this - so taking time out is important too

not sure if this is helpful - you know your own self and your daughter best - so if you feel you really need to talk to someone then DO and do it soon - you owe it to yourself and your daughter - do post how you get on

hugs
MK

[GuatMommy2Be]

Hmm.. I'm not sure what you can do.... but I am *crossing fingers* coming out of this nightmare with my 2.5 yo.

She was in pure rage and her screaming was like nothing I had EVER heard of before. I need to say that because this was not a typical tantrum....

A few wks back we switched her from lactaid to regular milk per her Dr's instructions and I feel that it all stems together. She was also fidgeting, crying to poop but not actually going, chewing the skin off of her thumbs, and of course - the rage. Thankfully (and unfortunately) a friend of mine had gone through this before me and came to find out it was the food she was feeding her little girl. She changed her daughters diet and the rage stopped. Two days ago we put M back on lactaid and we have not seen anymore of the rage we saw before. Just her typical behavior.

So I write all of this to ask if you have changed anything recently in her diet?

[GuatMommy2Be]

Oh I also want to write that we came to the conclusion about the milk after three fits of rage one right after the other.... That's when I began the search about toddler rage.

[hbrown22]

I really don't have any advice since I am feeling pretty clueless about DS right now as well....but I do have empathy for you! I am ready to lose it sometimes too. I'm looking forward to meeting you on Wed.! It will be nice to talk to each other and know we totally understand where the other is coming from. I say go with your instinct though. If you feel like something is wrong and it is not some phase or toddler control thing, talk to a doctor.

[sak9645]

Sounds like typical two year old, learning how to push Mom's buttons, and also learning how difficult it is to make choices and live with them. She wants Mom for closeness, but also wants to be independent, and she realizes she can't have both, and the result is a scream of frustration.

However you feel, do NOT let your daughter see your level of upset, or she will feel that she has "won" if this is a control thing. Two year olds often LOVE to see parents get mad, because it makes them feel very powerful that they could create that hysterically funny behavior. Other two year olds, who realize that THEY are out of control and can't help it, will be frightened if Mom also seems to be out of control. They want someone to help them learn to self-regulate.

When it's time for you to get your daughter up in the morning, come in and say something like, "GOOD MORNING! Let's go have breakfast. Baby Bear (or whatever the name of your child's favorite stuffed animal is) is hungry, and we are having pancakes." In short, be positive and make her want to get out of bed.

If she starts her uncertainties, tell her that she has two choices. If she is ready for breakfast, you will be happy to pick her up and carry her to breakfast. If she doesn't want to get up, she is welcome to lie there for a while, but you won't be able to stay with her for very long, because you don't want the pancakes to burn. She will have to call you when she is ready to get up.

Of course, if there is a reason why she HAS to get up -- for example, because you have to take her to day care so you can go to work -- then simply get her involved in a different kind of choice. Instead of focusing on the act of getting up, try something like, "OK, I need your help picking your clothes today. Do you want your red shirt or your blue one? Do you want your overalls or your pants?" In other words, give her a reason for wanting to get up, and something to control, other than you.

And, of course, if all else fails and you absolutely must have her out of bed, you pick her up, give her lots of cuddling, and carry her to where you need her. If she starts her screaming routine, just hold her and tell her you love her, but that she has to get up to be ready for Gymboree class or whatever.

Begin to teach your two year old to use words to express her frustrations and wants, too. Once she has some words, she will be less inclined to scream. While some people swear by signing, and you might want to try teaching her some signs, I have seen two year olds in preschool who were consistently encouraged to use words to express anger, ask for help, and so on, and who became pretty good at it.

Sharon

[JillnChris]

Thanks for the advice everyone. I prefer to hold her and talk calmy to her but most of the time she resists so hard that I can't hold onto to her without hurting her. Part of what is so frustrating is that I go in there with the most positive attitidue (I make sure a give her a few minutes to wake up before I go in) and I am so excited to get her out of bed and spend time with her and then she doesn't want to get out of bed. Of course on the weekends when DH is home she gets out right away for him!
I think maybe me talking to a therapist just for my own sanity would be a good idea. Wow I never thought my toddler would be sending me to the nut house!
(Totally exaggerating here, I don't think there is anything wrong with seeking help when you need it.)

We have been considering converting her crib to a toddler bed and I am thinking that my be a good solution here too.

[Ms.Judi]

Do you think she is ready for a big girl bed??? Just an idea???

[stephjoel99]

the one thing about "typical 2 year old behavior" - our kids are not "typical 2 year olds". They aren't and never will be - regardless of how well adjusted they may appear. So if you think this behavior is serious enough to possibly consult a therapist - then you should follow your instincts. Because you know your child best - and the mommy radar is the best tool you have to raise your children. When the mommy radar lets you know something may need closer examination, it's always wise to listen to it.

Just my 2cents. Good luck and hang in there.

[guatparents2be]

Originally Posted by stephjoel99

the one thing about "typical 2 year old behavior" - our kids are not "typical 2 year olds". They aren't and never will be - regardless of how well adjusted they may appear. So if you think this behavior is serious enough to possibly consult a therapist - then you should follow your instincts. Because you know your child best - and the mommy radar is the best tool you have to raise your children. When the mommy radar lets you know something may need closer examination, it's always wise to listen to it.

Just my 2cents. Good luck and hang in there.

that was a much more eloquent version of what i was going to say. i would see an attachment therapist, even if it is 'typical' 2 year old behavior. better safe than sorry imho.

[Momonthefarm]

We are going through the same type of behavior with our 5 year old who has been home only about 3 months. I would second the poster who said don't let her see you sweat!!! That is definitely what our daughter wants and when she gets what she wants she wins. Yes, I have lost my temper. I am human!!

What we are doing now for these moments is to hold her like this. She sits with her head in the crook of my left arm. Her right arm is behind my back so she can't strike me or herself. I hold her left arm with my left arm so my right hand is free to stroke her head or face as I talk to her. If it is really severe I cross my legs over hers to prevent her from kicking. All of this is done firmly but gently. THE WHOLE KEY FOR ME IS TO MAKE EYE CONTACT AND KEEP TALKING!!

My husband has tried this "hold" also but fails to engage eye contact and does not talk to her and he has yet to find success with calming her. She does not want to be out of control. This hold helps her to feel safe until she can get control of her emotions and lets her know that even in the darkest moments I am there and she can throw the biggest fit of all and I won't walk away.

It is sooooooooooooooooooo hard to not get mad and lose my temper too. I would never have acknowledged this kind of fit with our bio sons!! However, like the other poster said our kids are not "typical" kids in many ways. I really try to look objectively at these moments and remember that her whole world has gone upside down and she does feel out of control most of the time. Obviously your situation is different in that your daughter is younger but still may be grieving the loss of her other life or any number of things.

Please feel free to PM me to vent!! No one can understand these fits until they have lived through them. I will tell you "our" fits have decreased since we started doing the hold so it is our hope that she is leaning we love her no matter what.

Good luck!! Pray!! Know God lead your little one to you for a reason and He has a plan to help both of you be the people He wants you to be! Renee

[adopt2guat_jp]

I think that if u don't feel that you are getting somewhere with your child that you should talk to the therapist. I was really feeling like I was having a problem relating to my DD. She was throwing tantrums, crying alot at bedtime, etc. I really didn't feel like I was being the best parent that I could be. I asked our DR for a referral, but in the meantime, we made a couple of changes at home. She is now doing much better and home and we're not having any problems.

It's just hard to say if it's normal toddler behavior or attachment issues. But I think that for your sanity, it's at least worth it to talk to them, as they will always give you useful advice. If it is just normal toddler behavior, then they can also help you with that and make everyone happier!! Good luck!!!

[DDAmasa]

It really does sound like totally normal toddler behavior. Few toddlers don't behave this way. You just have to find a way to deal with it. "The terrible twos" are called that for a reason.

our kids are not "typical 2 year olds". They aren't and never will be

Mine is. Completely.

[GuatMommy2Be]

Originally Posted by DDAmasa

Mine is. Completely.

Congratulations.

[Larue]

Jill here is my take on it. Never second guess your Mommy instinct. Consulting with an attachment therapist and discussing your concerns about your child is called being a responsible parent. Even if it's just to ease your mind. Please don't feel bad about it. If you feel that it's warranted, then it's warranted. A lot of people "poo poo" attachment issues, and attachment parenting. But you know what, they're not raising your kid. And they don't know her history. You do, and you're the best one to decide how to proceed. Please PM me if you feel you need support. Hoping you find a solution!!!