[iccsd]

Looking for some input...

We have twin girls who are 4 years old. They are fraternal twins and look nothing alike. Rosa has dark skin and black hair while Maria has light skin and dark brown hair. People often doubt that they are twins, but I know that they are and have the DNA tests to prove it. However, Rosa is really fixated on her skin color lately. In the past few months, she has talked about being different from Maria and having skin like Barack Obama. She comments that Maria has skin like mommy and she doesn't. We also have a 2yo from Guatemala and he is also very light-skinned. Basically we have 7 people in our family and Rosa is the only one with dark skin.

Last night she said, "Mommy, I don't like my brown skin. I wish I had skin like you and Maria." It just breaks my heart to hear her say this. She also said, "When I'm sad I cry because of my brown skin." Her skin is so beautiful -- and we tell her that.

Anyone have suggestions of how to handle this? We have many friends from Guatemala and Mexico -- and my nephew is African-American so we have lots of people around us that have dark skin. How do you convince a four year old that being different is ok? And that she is unique, beautiful, etc, etc???

Thanks in advance....

Sara

[mommytoEli]

i don;t know that you can convince a 4 year old of ANYTHING. lol. but i understand. 3 of our 5 kids are hispanic, but only eli has the darker skin and hair. he DOES notice he is different, and i do the same thing you do, tell him his skin is beautiful, that i LOVE his hair. i don't know that anything will make it easier on eli. i wish he knew how much i wanted his hair. lol. it is simply gorgeous!

i think you are on the right track- continue to encourage her, you said you have people in your life that come from different cultures, which is so great, also make sure you also have dolls, books, and movies that do the same. we love watching plaza sesamo....it is our favorite..and because it is not just sesame street dubbed into spanish, but rather sesame street made for latin america, there are many children on that show that look more like eli than on the regular version...and he notices.

[JGarrick]

Hang a picture of Halle Berry or Beyonce on the fridge. That might help convince her that brown skin = beautiful.

[guatparents2be]

there is a much less frequented, but great board on this forum called transracial adoptions http://forums.adoption.com/transracial-adoption/
this might be a good place for you to get some support.

imho this is a pretty big deal...not just a 'try to talk her into feeling beautiful' thing. you are, it sounds, already aware of the fact that development of positive racial identity comes early, and you may need to approach this more aggressively in order for her to learn to feel beautiful for just who she is!

here is an interesting exercise.
Harlow's Monkey : What does your world look like?
it got me thinking...

[JGarrick]

Originally Posted by guatparents2be

here is an interesting exercise.
Harlow's Monkey : What does your world look like?

We did this excercise at our classes. It's an eye-opener.

[qs mom]

My son is Asian adopted from Eastern Europe. I'm as pale white as they come. I"m a single mom. Most of my family is too. I have a bi-racial cousin. But my neighborhood is quite diverse. To the left, the famly is Hispanic. Diagonally across the street, the family is black. Directly across the street the family is Arab.

My son's school is just as diverse. When my son was little, we talked about skin as shades of brown. We are all shades of brown after all - beige is brown. I was light, light brown, Q was medium brown.

After he started school, he noticed that so many other kids weren't white. Most of his friend are similarly skin toned - bi-racial, Hispanic, Arab. He's 8 and learning about Lincoln, slavery, emancipation. He came home and told me he hated white people. Then asked if he was white. He hated white people because they were mean to black people during slavery.

I told he we couldn't hate some one because of what they looked like, it was stupid. So, I said from now on we hate people with blue eyes. He was upset because grandma has blue eyes.

Could you point out all things that are the same in your family? And then all the things that are different? And then "we're all different."

[GDSinPA]

You might find some good ideas at this website as well.

Anti-Racist Parent - for parents committed to raising children with an anti-racist outlook

One way of looking at this is not just to make our kids feel OK about being different, because we really can't do as much about this as we might think. If you approach it this way, you are still essentially "othering" them - offering them suggestions on how to fit in as the differing person, rather than guiding them to be comfortable as they are. This approach essentially confirms white = normal, when that's probably not the message we seek to convey.

As others have said, kids need and will appreciate a diverse set of role models, including people that look like them.

[stacytoadopt]

looking for responses on this one too.

Right now my DD tells me she she is brown and I am plain I tease her to try to tell me that I am tan, but she looks at me like I am crazy - note - I am ghost white no matter how much sun I am exposed to - then we will laugh.

She picked out my last hair color - trying to match hers so we would be the same, but now that I am due to get another package, she has suggested that I get blue.

For me - I have tried note what is different and what is the same. our palms are the same, our legs are different; my eyes are a different color than hers and Aunties, etc.

[khaki17]

A great book is The Colors of Us. The child goes on a walk in her neighborhood and notices different skin colors--tan like pizza dough or brown like cinnamon. My daughter has really enjoyed it.

[bethy724]

I'm not sure if your religious but my bi-racial son has been asking about skin color lately-(he recently asked if he had white skin when he was born) I tell him (& I truly believe it) that God made him EXACTLY how he is supposed to be - a little boy w/ brown skin. I've had to say it a few times when he asks why I have pink/white skin - "because God made me EXACTLY how he wanted me to be" I also re-assure him that God knows what he is doing so I'm happy in my skin - is he happy in his? It can be heart breaking if you let it be - I have 100% confidence that God made my son his skintone on purpose & I have to believe that he doesn't make any mistakes - because I truly believe this my son see's my confidence & hopefully will start to become confident himself & how he was made.

[megaphonemo]

no time for a long post now, but my DD does the same..... There is another book - "we're different, we're the same (and we're all wonderful)" by the sesame people - great book - highly recommended for a 4 year old asking questions.....

Mega

[Guatemom]

I have been watching this thread, too, today. I'm glad you posted this...Connor is doing the same thing. He's 4 1/2, and comments quite a bit on how he wants to be 'like' me or why does Bubby (Cristian) look 'like' mommy but he doesn't, etc., it breaks my heart
I reassure him and talk to him a lot on how we're all different and we talk about examples, even w/in our family (like I do not look 'like' my mother. She has a lot of native american features <her great grandma was Cherokee> I favor my father's side, pasty white skin)
We also have several lil books for him

[loveajax]

I wanted to second The Colors of Us and We're Different....

I seriously think We're Different should be required reading for everyone in the world! And I agree that it is a great book to use with a little one.

Another book I like is "Brown Like Me." At the end, the little girl says, "I am strong brown!" And now DD says it all the time...it's too cute.

Also, do you have any features in common with your DD? For example, DD will always say, "I have dimples and you have dimples." And she will say, "Daddy has brown eyes and I have brown eyes." I think it is important to her to somehow "connect" with us on some physical level (we also talk about how she was created by her birth parents and her birth dad gave her his beautiful brown skin, etc...but that seems too "beyond" her right now!).

One other thing that I do is alway pick up the darker skinned dolls from DD's "army" of dolls. I think my DD has really picked up on that and now usually "chooses" those dolls to play with.

It sounds to me like you are being very reassuring and loving and that's the most important thing (imo). GOOD LUCK!

[iccsd]

Thank you for the great input. I've already ordered the books mentioned.

I'm hoping that some of this is just a phase. Right now, my girls like to be on teams. If I'm wearing pink and Anna is wearing pink, she says we are on the "same team". I think she feels when it comes to skin color....she's not on anyone's team in our family.

We just got back last week after a month in Guatemala. I know that it was good for Anna to have her preschool friends there who "have brown skin just like me." This recent talk about her skin might just be part of transitioning back into life in Iowa.

We're doing our best and I must say that I'm relieved to hear that other parents have dealt with the same thing.

What I wouldn't do for brown skin, I have spent thousands of hours in my life (years ago) in the sun trying to be that beautiful color.

Thanks again!

Sara

[Devora]

Sara,

I'm glad you posted this. These issues of difference, race, etc. are important ones for us as individuals, families, and an adoption "community" to keep coming back to. While in your family there is a unique dynamic because the girls are twins yet look so different, the issue of looking different from other family members and from people in our neighborhoods is something that many, many of our children will deal with.

Suggestion #1: Validate her feelings

How do you convince a four year old that being different is ok? And that she is unique, beautiful, etc, etc???

These messages of being beautiful, unique and strong and of difference being valued are important. However, I caution you against trying to "convince" your daughter of this. I'm going to paint a scenario that is intentionally more extreme than what you (or any of us) would probably do, but I do so to illustrate a point --- Imagine a conversation that goes like this:

child: Mom, why don't I have light skin like you?
mom: Your skin is beautiful, honey. I love you just the way you are.
child: But it makes me sad that I don't look like you.
mom: Everyone is different, sweetie. I wish I looked like you.

Some of the messages the mom here is sending are valid, but the problem is that the child's own feelings are not being validated. It won't take long until the child stops talking about how she feels. The feelings won't go away, though. But she'll learn that mom and dad don't understand because they're not brown like her. So when she's older and has to deal with prejudice and/or outright racism she is less likely to tell her parents about it because she figures they won't understand.

I think where we need to start when our children come to us with these kinds of thoughts is first to validate their feelings. So the conversation would go something like this:


child: Mom, why don't I have light skin like you?
mom: Well, there are lots of different colors of skin. Some of your family in Guatemala have darker skin and that's where you got yours. How does it make you feel that we don't look alike?
child: It makes me sad that I don't look like you.
mom: What do you want to do when you feel sad?
child: It makes me want to cry.
mom: When you feel sad about this, what can I do to help? Would it help if we snuggled in the rocking chair for a while?
child: Yes. Let's go snuggle.
....after snuggling and comforting for a while....
mom: Do you want to talk more about it?

We can't erase our children's feelings, but we can validate them, treat them as important, and offer comfort. We can be with them, even if we can't be in their shoes.


Suggestion #2: Build a positive identity, including racial/ethnic identity
You've already gotten some good advice re: age-appropriate books to start with right now.

Suggestion #3: Learn more about racial identity, racism, and interracial families from the perspective of adoptees
You might want to start with short readings. Someone earlier mentioned the Anti-Racist Parent website. It has lots of good information and ideas. Informed Adoption Advocates also has articles on their website about being a racial identity and being a multiracial family through international adoption.

A short and easy to read (yet thought-provoking) book is Beyond Good Intentions: A Mother Reflects on Raising Internationally Adopted Children by Cheri Register. In particular, the chapter on "Believing Race Doesn't Matter" may be helpful to you. (Note: They title refers to a myth some adoptive parents hold -- the author actually thinks race does matter.) The chapter on "Holding the Lid on Sorrow and Anger" might also be helpful. Here's one passage from the book:

Color blindness is a luxury our children can't afford. Although they have been raised in our families with whatever privileges we white parents claim for ourselves-- material riches, well-maintained neighborhoods, good schools -- away from home they take on the color of whichever ethnic or immigrant group they most resemble. (p. 84)

Another great resource is the film Living on the Fault Line. If your agency doesn't have a copy you can borrow, it's well worth the $25 (and you can always donate it to your agency after you've watched it). Here's a summary of it:

Living on the Fault Line: Where Race and Family Meet is a documentary film that explores the intersection where family love meets racial injustice in the experience of transracial families created through adoption. An honest open-hearted look at race in America, it is an intimate portrait that reveals the challenges transracial families face as children of color grow up in communities where racial discrimination, stereotyping and white privilege are often unspoken and undeniable realities.

Shot in a naturalistic style, Living on the Fault Line profiles nine families telling the untold story of transracial adoption, revealing the complex, challenging and emotional costs of racial discrimination brought into the privacy of the family. Inherent in the film's content is an examination of racial identity development, of the habituated misconceptions of "race" and of the damaging effects of white privilege.

Running Time: 78 minutes
Cost: $24.95

One thing I like about the film is that both adoptive parents and adopted children/young adults talk about how they dealt with race in different ways at different times. You said "I'm hoping that some of this is just a phase". You're right in the sense that at different ages our children will process their identity and react to differences/experiences in different ways. But it's not a phase in the sense that it's going to go away. In a few years when she's able to process it in a more sophisticated way she will go through this again. As she has experiences it will bring it up again. It's a phase in the sense that it's an ongoing process. But it's not going to fade away permanently.