[dianneemily]

Hi,
I have had it with getting Katy out of the house in the mornings. She is such a staller. It is not that she gets distracted... I believe it is that she has to be in complete control, so by me telling her what to do, she rebels.

Here is a typical morning:
She wakes up usually while I am in the shower. She sleeps in her underwear only. She comes in and stays with me the entire time that I am in the bathroom but will not do anything for herself like brush her teeth and hair. When I am done in the bathroom, she insists on putting pajamas on because "she is cold" and her "clothes are cold". It generally takes 3-4 attempts of telling her to come to the table for breakfast. It usually takes 15 minutes for her to eat with constant reminders.
Many times she will go and get back in bed or start playing with something and I am constantly telling, threatening, yelling, taking away priveleges etc the entire time for her to get dressed. This morning, I set a timer for 10 minutes - it did not motivate her, she lost TV tonight because she didn't get ready.

Any other ideas? She wakes up around 7am and we can't get out of the house before 8:30am. She goes to preschool 3 days a week, so I think that this might be some of the issue since the routine is different on the other days.

She says that she doesn't want to go to school, but is fine once she is in the car on our way. She just hates leaving the house - this is not new, but I'm wearing down!
Thanks

[052001]

Your daughter sounds just like my oldest. Mornings are really frustrating.

We need to be outside waiting for the bus at 7:25. I have to wake up at 5:15 so I can be completely ready before waking my daughters. I supervise them constantly to make sure they are doing what they are supposed to be doing.

My suggestions would be: Wake her up earlier, set out her clothes the night before and insist that she put them on when she wakes up. Eliminate any morning TV watching.

Could you have a consequence of having to go to bed 15 min. earlier for each reminder that you have to give her?

Good luck!

[avoel]

I have had very similar issues with my DD who is now 6 and in kindergarten. Her school starts at 8 and if she is late she has to be walked in and signed in at the office, but if she is on time I can let her off at the door and she can walk in by herself (the principal stands at the door, and the teacher meets them just inside). So, walking in like the "big kids" has been a big motivator for her to be on time.

I lay out her clothes on the floor exactly as she is to put them on...shirt face down, pants face up etc. If she wants my help to get dressed, or wants to do it herself, both are fine. I do her hair the night before so all it takes is a quick comb through most days...the piggy tail seems to stay in while she sleeps. Breakfast is the exact same everyday...no choice involved---she will only eat oatmeal and it works better that way. If she gets dressed and her hair combed she gets to watch TV during breakfast. If not, no TV.

If she chooses to play and stall, I remind her that school starts at 8. I offer to help her get ready. If she refuses I remind her that I will take her exactly as she is dressed at 8 and I will sign her into the office at that time. If she chooses to go in her pajamas that is her choice. So far she hasn't chosen to go in her pj's but if she does I will respect her choice

[captainzip90]

We have a large family and one very slow dd. If she is one minute late to the car she has early bedtime. I know this sounds harsh but we have to operate this way or we would always be late. She has tons of time just fritters most of it away. She will decide to redo her hair with 3 minutes left until we leave. DRIVES ME NUTS!! I think you need to find the thing that she loves the most and then use that as leverage. If you aren't ready in time then no t.v. early bedtime etc. Then in a very loving voice say sorry you don't get to watch t.v. bummer for you. (love and logic) I also know a mom who put child in van in pj.s and gave her her clothes to put on while they drove or at school, this was an older child. It only took once. This is one huge frustration and I think you need to get it under control because it will only get worse in our experience. Also give her the choice each of which you can live with. Do you want to put on your clothes or eat in your breakfast in you underwear, you choose. She thinks she is making the decision but either will get her going faster.

Michele.

[Suzeb1]

This sounds so much like my daughter (although she's not quite 4 yet) She too sleeps in just a pullup and likes to put her pjs on in the morning.

A book I would recommend is "Raising Your Spirited Child." It has lots of great suggestions and has helped me come up with ideas that work.

Every child is different, so I think you have to experiment, but what has worked for my dd is building in cuddle time (because she responds very well to that) and lots of reviewing what we are going to do, both the night before and the next morning. I very cheerfully tell her "yes, you may put your pjs on...then we will get dressed after you eat" many times that works. When it doesn't, I say something like "come here, you are having a tough time transitioning to clothes (we have talked about what a transition is) and so I can help you. What would help?" Over time, she has learned to ask for things like "a cuddle" or "a toy to hold."

I have found that consequences, threats and "punishments" simply don't work for my dd; they exacerbate the problem. What does work is for me to maintain a very calm, soft voice. If she’s struggling, I describe what’s happening to her: “you are having a hard time focusing today and getting dressed. You need to get dressed, so I can help you or you can do it.” I then wait about a minute (which feels like forever) and say “okay, I’ll help?” and 95% of the time she either lets me help or she says “I’ll do it” and gets dressed. I also have put together a wardrobe for her that she’ll wear (short sleeve shirts, loose pants) Another thing that has worked for us, when she insists that she should wear shorts, is for me to say “well, let’s see” and I’ll take her out in her shorts and stand on the front porch. Given that it’s been below freezing, she says “cold!!” and I’ll say “darn it, it is…I guess it’s pants today”

Prior to this approach dd would literally run screaming from me many mornings when I told her it was time to get dressed and would kick and hit when I dressed her. This approach sounds so simple, it’s crazy…the hard part is not getting frustrated; it’s all in the calm voice and hugs The biggest thing that I have to do is believe that my daughter isn’t “misbehaving” but is struggling to focus, and it’s my job to help her. If consequences worked easily, I would probably use them, but for dd, they don’t.

It can be SO frustrating to figure out what works. On an encouraging note, the last 3 days, without asking, dd has gone to her room, gotten her clothes and panties and gotten dressed…it’s downright astonishing!

Susan

[bhouston]

My daughter almost 6 does like to pitter around in the morning before kindergarten...but I am not one to keep giving warnings because I think it just helps with her not getting ready...because it seems like I am not going to keep my word if I tell her over and over again...so she does the same thing every day ...gets up goes potty gets dressed...gets her hair done...eats breakfast...and then and only than she can listen to some music...if there is time left...she loves music in the morning so for her..that is helpful...she does not watch t.v. in the mornings so ...that helps...but she knows she needs to get ready...and she loves to race and do things...so I will say...I wonder who can get dressed the quickest and she loves a challenge so off she goes...

Love and Logic techniques are great as well...I do not want to motivate my daughter with flusteration...because that just wears us both out!

Beth in Idaho

[dianneemily]

Exactly - I don't want to resort to yelling and being frustrated either. She doesn't watch TV in the morning -we only have a TV in the basement, so no real problem with it. On the rare occassion that she wakes up too early, I tell her that if she gets ready then she can watch something, but it never happens because she never gets ready on time.
I'm going to try to prepare her more the night before - like pick out clothes and review how the morning will go. I also have been thinking that getting ready before she wakes up will help - but I think she hears the shower and that wakes her up, but I'm going to try to start getting up earlier and see. I am also going to use those natural consequences, but how can I be sure that going to school in her PJ's is really going to bother her? I have a feeling if I use that approach, she will go in PJ's, bedhead, and stinky breath - I'm not sure she will really care.
Thanks for the suggestions so far - I have been nagging and I know it has to stop because honestly, she isn't listening anyway.
She is my challenge - has been since day 1 - gotta love her!

[EZ2Luv]

How about have her go to bed in PJs and have her choose her own outfit for the next day the night before. It is hard whenever routines are broken. I know for us Mondays are killer because the weekend allows for a little more sleeping in.

EZ

[Suzeb1]

My dd did go to school in pjs for a week, not as a consequence, just because that's all she would wear. She's younger, so there was no peer issues, but it ended up working for us. First, it let me realize that my desire for her to wear clothes was very much MY issue. I had to ask myself why it was so important to me that she wear clothes, which are soft and practically look like pajamas, versus just wearing pjs. For me the answer was that I was concerned about what others would think...yikes, that is just not a good reason from my point of view, but yes, it's what I was feeling.

So, dd wore pjs for about a week and a half and it worked magic. Here's what happened. We had NO problems getting dressed during pj week, so that was a nice break for me, and we talked about what pjs she could and couldn't wear (clean, only one time in a week, no tummy showing) which reinforced the idea of limits. About a week and a half into it, I asked her what we were going to do to celebrate the last day she wore pjs to school? I told her that the next day was her last day, it had been really fun and we should celebrate. A teacher at daycare also said she could get a sticker to celebrate. So, she chose donuts and we bought one to have at the end of school.

The next day she wanted pjs and I reminded her that we had celebrated her last day. She remembered and we picked out super comfy clothes. I'm not sure if we just needed to get out of the cycle of our power struggle, or if she was having a tough week and needed the comfort of pjs or what...but it certainly didn't lead to her wearing pjs forever and in fact, everything has been much easier since then.

We are happily awaiting a real pj day at school with the promise of new pajamas when it comes around!

Susan

[dianneemily]

She won't wear pj's to bed. She wears them all evening, then as soon as she gets in bed, zip.. they come off - she likes sleeping in the buff
She wears jammies with feet in them, so that is my problem with letting her wear them to school, but I guess not getting to go outside to play and possibly the peer problems with wearing footie jammies to school might work - hope the school is understanding. We will see - again thanks for all the suggestions and glad to know she isn't the only one

[Tina021994]

My son was like this and I simply found one clock in the house that we used and told him every minute that he was late in the morning would be how many minutes, times two, early he would go to bed that night. The reason for one clock is because that would then be the next problem is that not all clocks were to the same exact minute and the one downstairs was digital and on the way out the door. This really worked and seemed to make him understand he actions was what caused him punishment.
Tina

[ocracoke]

In an attempt to find the right parenting style for my daughter I have read a lot of books about it. I tried one of the methods in one of the books because my daughter was impossible to get out the door on time. She was 3 years at the time and I employed the help of my day care center prior to doing this. She would refuse to do her routines even after repeated requests. We would struggle with brushing teeth and getting dressed. The book to essentially set a time to leave and if she wasn't ready then she left not being ready. So I warned my daughter (her big issue was getting dressed) and told her we were leaving at 8am, if she wasn't ready she could finish getting ready at school. The first morning she was only in her panties when it came time to leave. So we left with her just in her panties. I brought all her clothes with us to the day care and immediately went to the director's office. The 3 of us had a brief conversation about the school expectations. She seems to be able to not test the school as much as me. The next morning it was 5 minutes of 8am and she was still not ready so I just said we were leaving in 5 minutes whether she was ready or not. She told me the school rules said she had to be dressed or she wasn't allowed to come to school. I said that she was right and asked what she needed to do about it. She got dressed. It has been well over a year now and she has been ready on time every single day since that week.

It may seem mean to some people but my daughter is an experiential learner. She has to experience the consequence before she is willing to believe the expectation.

Samantha

[DianeS]

The point of using a logical consequence - like going to school in PJs if you don't get dressed - is to end the fighting. It isn't necesarially to get the child to change her behavior.

In your head, compare how you'd feel if she went to school in PJs (but minus the normal morning pushing to get her ready) with how you feel with the morning fights but her wearing normal clothing to school. Which would you rather have? If you prefer PJs and no pushing, or don't have a preference, then the natural consequence of going to school in PJs is DEFINATELY one you should try!

Because if it changes your daughter's behavior so she gets dressed in the morning, then you're both happy. If she decides she likes wearing PJs to school and you don't push her in the morning, then you're both happy. Being OK with either one is one of the main points of natural consequences.

But if you're going to feel worse about her in school in PJs than you currently feel about the pushing, then I wouldn't do it. Then your daughter is doing what she wants, and you're miserable - exactly the situation you're trying to get away from!

Teaching children isn't always easy, nor is it supposed to be easy, but I wouldn't choose a natural consequences method if it would just put more stress on you and your relationship with your child than other methods might.

Hang in there! (And remember, shoes still fit over footie pajamas!)

[dianneemily]

Thanks and I needed the reminder that shoes fit over footie jammies and that I could actually take her in her underwear - she would hate that I am sure.

For some unknown reason, she got ready this morning with hardly any problems (go figure, she always keeps me guessing )

[iwantmybaby]

I like what 052001 said. Here is my suggestion....(I also have a 5yr old btw)

Wake her up a little earlier,possibly10 min or so(if you can)
--this might just allow for extra meandering time

As 052001 said, definitely lay out her clothes on her bed the night before.
---let her know that when she wakes up she can bring the clothes into the bathroom and get dressed in there while you are showering. But, she has to dress herself.

Something that has worked for us, is if my son gets everything done, dressed, teeth brushed, downstairs for breakfast on time, he gets to watch 10min of TV in the morning, or he gets to stay up an extra 15 min at night and watch tv, play a computer game, extra bedtime story, whatever her currency is that is what I would use. I would try to put a positive spin on her independence. Instead of ONLY punishments for not getting it done. I think that is warranted too at times, but try to motivate her in a positive way first. This is what worked with my son who definitely marches to the beat of his own drum. He is on no one else's timetable. This did the trick with him. I've been very pleased and shocked at how far he has come. I will also say that he is about turn 6 in April. I think that has a lot to do with it too. Maybe if you just keep trying by the time she turns 6 she'll have it down pat.

Also, I didn't really have time to read everyone else's responses so this may have already been suggested. I just wanted to share what worked for us.

Best of luck to you!!
Tracy