[Slatond10]

This is the question my DD (4 y.o.) ask me last night! She was in bed and we normally talk for a little while b4 she falls asleep.

Now let me preface with I AM AN ENGINEER and a Single Mom... give me #'s and I am ok.... but not so good w/ knowing the right thing to say @ the right time.

I did respond "I am not sure I understand your question, but you were born in Guatemala and I adopted you" ( she has an adoption story and I have read it to her but she doesn't show tons of interest). But she did respond, that is when I was with "E" (foster mother). And I said "Yes."
She bounced on to another conversation about school related stuff.

However, I laid awake for hours wondering if I should have said more? Ask who said she was "bought"...I HAVE NEVER HEARD ANYONE SAY THIS IN MY PRESENCE. It brought tears to my eyes that someone would say that to her. Even though she didn't seem to be upset!

HELP ... Parents please help this poor socially dumb engineer. what would you have done? would you revisit? would your re-read adoption story to her? HELP

[ana-mom]

That's a really tough one....

I think you handled well - answered it simply and in terms your DD was obviously comfortable with since she moved on to a new topic.

I don't think I would revisit it unless she brings it up again.

[Waiting4Celeste]

I had a similar discussion with our 6 year old a few weeks ago.
I can't even remember what led to his question, but he said, "but you bought me, right?".
I told him that every time a baby is born, someone has to be paid to help the babies get to their families. When a baby is born, the parents pay the doctor to help the baby be born.
In adoption, there is a LOT of paperwork to do and Mommy and Daddy didn't know how to do it, so we paid some people to help us do all the paperwork so he could come home to us.
But we never paid for HIM - we paid for all the paperwork to be done so he could come home.
He seemed to be satisfied with that answer.
We practiced it a few times so that if anyone asks him if we bought him, he could say:
"No, buying people is illegal. My Mommy and Daddy paid people to do a BUNCH of paperwork so I could come home!"

[Ms.Judi]

Originally Posted by Waiting4Celeste

I had a similar discussion with our 6 year old a few weeks ago.
I can't even remember what led to his question, but he said, "but you bought me, right?".
I told him that every time a baby is born, someone has to be paid to help the babies get to their families. When a baby is born, the parents pay the doctor to help the baby be born.
In adoption, there is a LOT of paperwork to do and Mommy and Daddy didn't know how to do it, so we paid some people to help us do all the paperwork so he could come home to us.
But we never paid for HIM - we paid for all the paperwork to be done so he could come home.
He seemed to be satisfied with that answer.
We practiced it a few times so that if anyone asks him if we bought him, he could say:
"No, buying people is illegal. My Mommy and Daddy paid people to do a BUNCH of paperwork so I could come home!"

GREAT ANSWER CINDY

I think you answered your daughters question just right-when she has more questions she will let you know.

[mksilvermoon]

definitely revisit THIS one - someone HAS said this within your child's hearing - either to them or in their presence ... we can't always be in the room

so definitely bring this up again by saying you have been thinking about her question and wanted to explain a few things - Cindy's post is excellent - it's important your daughter knows a) that this is not true and b)how to answer anyone who might think it is true ...

but i would not let it go - it's too important a concept
oh and i come from a family of engineers so i know where you are coming from
Mary-Kate

[whereintheworld]

Hmmm....not totally sure that I agree with some of the PPs. I would suggest that you don't necessarily have to jump to the conclusion that someone talked about her being "bought". I think your explanation was age appropriate and seemed to satify your child. you can expand if/when she questions more. But, at age 4, she knows that most of the things in your household are "bought". She goes shopping and you "buy" things. Her word choice may be a simple expansion of what she knows to be how things are acquired. I know that I have heard biological children talk about how their mommies went to the hospital to buy their baby brother/sister.

[beverlyanderic]

this is interesting. would a 4 year old come up with an adopted child being bought on her own?

no doubt about it for me to being it up again and have a conversation with her about it. even if it's as simple as, "remember the other night when we talked and you asked where i bought you? did you hear that from someone?" then take it from there. this obviously impacted you so you'll be thinking about this for a while if you don't get to the bottom of this.

btw, i think you handled the initial conversation really well on the fly. don't get down on yourself for not being able to know what to say- sounds like you don't give yourself enough credit

[Slatond10]

Thanks so much for all the great responses! I definitely feel better after reading the PM and the PP.

I did sort of jump to the conclusion that someone said she was "bought" and maybe that was just a term she picked. But I am better prepared if she ask more questions thanks to you guys!

(((HUGS)))

[DPline]

I have a just turned 5 year old and a 5 1/2 year old and I totally agree with Whereintheworld. I think it is totally reasonable that it is just your DD's perception of where things come from. You go to the store and buy them. And she just expanded the concept from there. Even my bio son went through a phase of wanting to go to the store and buy a brother or sister.

While you might spend some time on her adoption story with her, I personally wouldnt' dwell too much on the 'bought' comment.

[GDSinPA]

There's no way to know for sure if someone said something like this in front of her or not. I always say that kids are more perceptive than we give them credit for, but she's at an in between age where it's tuff to know what's going on in her brain, even if she talks more about it.

It sounds like you handled it pretty well. I think I might revisit it in what I'd call a comfortable way in a couple of weeks. Perhaps ask her what got her thinking about that, or even ask if she had thought she was "bought" before she asked the question. The main reason I suggest this is not just to get to the bottom of it, but it will make it clear to her that you are there for her and open to discuss any issues related to her adoption that she wants to discuss.

Sure, there might not be anything deep for a few more years, but you will be creating the open environment now. I would suggest you be careful about grilling her on who she overheard say that. If it's someone she likes and you express some kind of anger about it, it may also close the door to future sharing of feelings because she won't want to get anyone in trouble.

Blessings,
-Greg

[EZ2Luv]

I just wanted to chime in and say even my own bios have said things like this at 4 and 5 years old. I honestly do not believe it is always adoption related. My son once said at 4 1/2 years old, Auntie Gina is going to buy a baby" when SIL was pregnant.
Now id your DD was 7 or older then I would have to agree that there is abit more to it, but right now I think it is just a matter of of where babies come from type of thing.

EZ

[Mariais5]

I think a lot of parents 'over-talk' many situations we find ourselves in because we are afraid there is an emotional backlash that our children will feel years from now because we didn't give them EVERY piece of data and information that we could have.. In my opinion, this is where we 'over-talk'..


There was a train scene in The Hiding Place in which Corrie Ten Boom is traveling with her father and asks him a question with an adult theme. He responds by asking her to carry his heavy suitcase. It was too heavy for her to carry. He responded that some knowledge is too heavy for children to carry, and he would carry that knowledge until she was older and big enough to hear it.

It sounds like you handled it perfectly as your daughter was satisfied with your answer and asked no more questions. If she does revisit the subject, and asks for more info, then it's time to go a little deeper. I have grown children who were adopted, and I'm telling you this from experience. Sometimes we open up a can of worms when all our child wanted was a cookie. :-)

[Waiting4Celeste]

I just wanted to add... my son will be 7 next week.
The discussions that I have with him now about his adoption (and other issues) are obviously MUCH different than the discussions we had when he was 4 years old.

As other people have said - speak to them at their level.
Yes, sometimes we like to "practice" all that we have learned about talking about adoption - when our child just wants a simple answer.

Jacob's class had talked about slavery recently because it was around MLK Day when he brought this up. So we were able to discuss slavery and how certain things were acceptable in the past, but now we know better and don't do those things anymore.

Oh - and sometimes our kids get ideas from other people and sometimes those things are REALLLLLY misconstrued before they make it home to a discussion at our dinner tables. (remember the telephone game!?)

For example - last year, Jacob came home one day and said, "Did you know that if we are on a bus and a black person is sitting down we can yell, 'HEY! Got outta my seat!' and they have to get off the bus so we can sit down?"

I said, "Did you talk about Rosa Parks today at school?" He of course said yes. I had to explain that situation happened in the PAST and now we know that all people should be treated with respect and that perhaps he misunderstood what his teacher was saying. (or tuned out at the ending of the story his teacher was telling!)

So - address the situation at hand. Don't assume anything - just focus on how you can best answer the question they are asking. That's what's most important anyway.

And be thankful that their capacity to really understand and "judge" your answers comes slowly. You can mess up A LOT when they are little and thankfully they just don't remember! Keep practicing and those initial "mess-ups" will be replaced with well-practiced words! And those will be the words that "stick".

[Gatos]

I also wanted to add (just as a reminder) that it IS important for us to periodically initiate adoption discussions and revisit topics that have come up in the past. It is vital to show our children that it is an okay topic to bring up. If we always let the conversations start with their thoughts and questions, they will eventually pick up on that and ask fewer and fewer questions, wrongly thinking that the topic is taboo or not something you want to talk about.

[Disneycrazed]

My friend's son (bio) also asked a similar question
"how much does a baby cost at the hospital?"
when My firend asked him why he was asking this he stated that he wanted to know if it was very expensive because he wanted a baby brother.LOL
So I don't think it is just an adoption issue at all.
We thought he came up with this since he knew babies came from the hospital and he also knew that when he asked for things his mother would sometimes say "that is too expensive..no you can't have it." In his little head he put this all together somehow.