[jandc]

Ok, I KNOW this is incredibly thin ice but I have a question. WITHOUT getting into a debate about the abortion issue itself.....
WHY has it happened to me twice that I will get into a conversation with someone about adoption and the conversation moves to abortion? In my mind, one has NOTHING to do with the other. Adoption is how we chose to expand our family, period.
I was in the dressing room at the health club and a woman over heard me calling to the childcare to see if dd could stay a bit longer so I could shower. SO, she started asking me about my kids, how many, ages, sexes blah blah blah. It came up that dd was from guatemala and another woman chimes in about how great that is and that if abortion wasnt legal in the US then there would be more babies to adopt. (Huh?) Then the first woman starts in on how she had an abortion when she was young but they were illegal and it was a back alley style and she started to hemmorrage and that this was Gods way of telling her she was sinning (Huh?) Ok, then a 3rd woman starts in about legal vs. illegal, blah blah blah, and my whole conversation about how we formed our family is just gone.
This is the 2nd time this has happened.
My question, well, questions are, has anyone else had this happen?
And why?
Please Please Please NO debate about abortion itself.

[EZ2Luv]

Because uneducated people will always equate adoption with an unwanted baby coming from an unwanted pregnancy that would have been just as easy to abort. That is basically it in a nutshell. These are just clueless people.

EZ

[hml1976]

I'm wondering where you live that people would speak so openly about such a personal issue? Seems very odd to me, even from friends but especially from strangers.

[loveajax]

j, this hasn't happened to me, but i DO have to say I cannot believe the stuff that gets discussed in the locker room at my gym...I wonder if people are getting naked in front of each other, they also feel free to "bare" their souls as well? Geez.

Thankfully and hopefully these people would never say this stuff in front of your DD...my gosh!

[ej-momtobe]

I have never had a conversation like that, BUT, it has been my experience that some people like/need to be the focus of conversations. So, maybe they never really wanted to have a conversation about you and how you formed their family. And, since they may not have had any personal experience with adoption, they turned the conversation to themselves, or to a subject where they could have the podium.

So, I think the discussion you had with them is more about their desire for attention, than about an adption/abortion debate.

[SoniaRose]

I am a 55-year old adoptee.

Although I do think that it is insensitive for people to comment on abortion when discussing your adopted children, I understand their viewpoint. There were far more babies available in the US for adoption back in the 50's and 60's because abortion was not legal. But improved birth control methods have also decreased the number of unwanted births over the last few decades.

The adoption/abortion connection does make sense to me, but people should think before they make such comments.

[TheFoxx]

HML - very odd isn't it but it's amazing how few boundaries some people have (or don't have).

I have experienced the "isn't great your child's birth mother didn't abort" comment to which I reply "what a bizarre thing to say, one has nothing to do with the other but thanks for sharing your ignorance with me and my family". But then again, I also had someone ask me, in front of DS if his mother did drugs. I just responded with "no, why did yours?"

Look, no matter where you go, no matter who you encounter, you will always find ignorance along the way. Either come up with some snappy comebacks or... whenever at a loss for words because the person is just too stupid to live... I always go to "what would make you say such a thing" or "why would you ask such a personal question" and just wait for a response - usually it's just them sputtering and trying to cover up what they just said.

[mksilvermoon]

LOVE your response The Foxx!!! just exactly what I wanted to say only wittier!

MK

[SoniaRose]

If adoption and abortion are two totally unrelated subjects, then why on the Adult Adoptee forum page is there a discussion section titled "She Chose Adoption: A place for adoptees to share their positive adoption stories about how their birthparents choosing adoption over abortion impacted their life".

As an adoptee, I have been in discussions with others over the years about adoption/abortion. I'm very well aware that I might have been aborted had I been conceived in a different era. But I would never have known, would I?

I agree that a statement "aren't you glad the child's bmom didn't abort?" sounds rude, but I don't think it's intended to be so. People just sometimes say the first thing that comes into their head. I would just answer a simple "yes" and move on.

[Devora]

I also had someone ask me, in front of DS if his mother did drugs. I just responded with "no, why did yours?"... "what would make you say such a thing" or "why would you ask such a personal question"

I have not (yet) had any of the situations I heard others describe. But I do hear other adoptive parents talk about not knowing how to respond to questions/statements like these. I love these responses! I'll have to remember them as suggestions for others.

[SKL]

It isn't "necessarily" related, but it "could be" related. Many people here in the US have the mindset that when one has an unintended pregnancy, they go down a list of alternatives that includes abortion, adoption, and parenting, in that order. I have actually seen people argue that abortion is a more positive solution than adoption because it is less painful for the birth mother. Related to this logic, I've seen arguments that access to abortion needs to be increased in developing countries so they will have fewer orphans. So, it doesn't surprise me that people make the connection.

That said, it was a completely inappropriate topic.

[Mindybeth6]

Well, most of you know already that I am pro-life and I realize my views on this vary from many on this forum. That said, I do think abortion and adoption absolutely go hand in hand. I have had people tell me what a wonderful thing it was for Mikayla's birthmother to choose life and I smile and agree...because I DO agree. Not just because Mikayla is my daughter, but I agree that life should always be chosen. So I think a lot of it depends on the person's personal views. While I think the location of the comments (the gym) were odd, I don't think the comments themselves were that odd. I don't think people think that our children would have been just as easy to abort, as someone else said. I think people respect our birthmother's and what they went through, because I can only imagine the emotional toll it takes on a birthmother. All of the people that have made such comments to me truly just appreciate that Mikayla was actually "here" to adopt. And as for the woman who felt God was punishing her for sinning. She is allowed to feel that way. Her thoughts were her own and while they are shocking to some, and I know the location of where the comments took place weas ODD for sure, many woman who have had abortions feel this way. I know MANY. And all of them are Christian woman and yes, at most churches I know abortion is very much a sin. So she was sharing something personal that she felt was a connection to the conversation that was taking place. It could be that the talk of adoption/abortion brought back painful memories for her and that she wanted to share them. I see nothing wrong with it. Everyone has their own comfort level. While that would be personal info to me, she must have had a reason to say it.

But, unlike many other posters, I do think abortion and adoption go hand in hand and I know many who feel the same way. I could comment further but won't. I will stop there...but it may just be the difference in my being pro-life and many of you being pro-choice. Not sure...just a thought.

[SKL]

I think the reason I considered it an inappropriate topic is that I personally stay away from the topic. My reasoning: I never know whether or not someone in the same room has had an abortion and how she might feel about it. I can't imagine anyone feeling great about it, so to me, bringing it up would be like rubbing salt in the wounds, and I just don't want to go there. When I was younger, I was always ready for the debate and I am still just as staunchly pro-life as ever; just more quiet about it in mixed company.

[hml1976]

I think the feelings of these women is a moot point. The fact is that this is a personal topic and a personal discussion. Its kind of like walking up to someone at the gym and declaring your support for the death penalty or castration for rapists...while both MAY be appropriate opinions to have, neither are appropriate for discussion with someone you DON'T KNOW or even someone your don't know very very very well. It was a rude rude rude discussion and a bizarre thing to say in a public place.

[c.a]

I once read on these forums:

abortion is the alternative to carrying a pregnancy to term

parenting is the alternative to adoption.

I like this - it is neutral and still allows people to think.