[arthymom]

Hi all-

Just wondering if any of you who have been home for a while feel this way.

Sometimes it feels like dd and I have a setback...Of course I get antsy and re-read all of our attachment books and question all of my parenting...But dh says it's my parenting style.

For example: Today, dh gave dd a chocolate and allowed her to come upstairs to our bedroom w/it. (Um, 2 1/2 year old w/chocolate sticky fingers...ack...)I said something and he didn't do anything. So I told dd that I'd count to 3 and she had to go back downstairs. Of course that didn't work. So I took the chocolate from her, told her where it would be, and brought it downstairs. After her hourlong tantrum, for the next hour she just wanted dh.

Anyone else face similar situations? I know in my heart that I'm doing the right thing, but it doesn't always feel right when I have to be the bad guy all the time.

[dac_cincy]

I am a single mom- I am always the bad guy. My father gives Bug anything and everything- lets him do anything and everything. My sister is his daycare provider- he gets away with quite a lot at here house that is not allowed at our house.

I have given up the guilt of always being the bad cop- I want my son to know limits, to know how to behave and with only me as the parent, it is what i have to do.

It is hard, but in the end, she will be better fo your guidance. I hope though, you and your husband can be a team on this one.

Love to you,
Deb

[jamilahlashwe]

I think it's very important that both you and your DH and on the same page with this. Me and my DH actually frequently discuss among ourselves what to give DS time outs for, what he shouldn't be doing and what are the consequences. We also agreed to support each other in an acute situation even if one of us doesn't agree in the moment, just to be consistent and so that DS doesn't think that he can play one of us. It's really working well and we have very few problems and tantrums.

[DDAmasa]

I agree you and your husband need to be on the same page. He allows her to come upstairs and you tell her no. This is just going to confuse the heck out of the poor kid, and as she grows, she'll learn to play one of you off the other to get what she wants. I think it's important that one parent never, ever, contradicts the other in front of the child but the two of you decide privately what will be allowed and back each other up.

[papasmith]

It would have been ideal if after hearing the comment you made, that HE took her to an area that was ok to have the chocolate. As the other posters pointed out, I think the issue isn't your parenting style, just that you both need to support one another in rules.

Don't beat yourself up.

[SKL]

I live this every day. I am "the" parent, but we are surrounded by aunties who come from very different cultural backgrounds. Left to myself, I'm pretty laid-back but very consistent. I don't have many rules, I try not to be arbitrary, but darnit, when I do lay down the law, I expect it to be followed. These aunties will totally ignore our many conversations on this topic and feed the kids stuff I say no to, get them riled up just at bedtime, plop them in front of the TV, etc., etc. I end up protesting in front of the kids because if I give them an inch, they will take a mile next time. The kids are old enough to understand these conversations. This really stinks.

I don't really know what we can do about this. I have tried very hard to get us all on the same page in private, and I guess things aren't as bad as they could be, but we have a lot of room for improvement. Good luck to you!

[SKL]

Oh, I meant to add that you shouldn't worry about looking like the "bad parent." The consistent parent may not be the "fun" one, but she's the one who gives the kids real, deep-seated comfort. Sticking to your guns will not erode your relationship with your child.

I also think it's pretty typical for the mom to be "that" parent.

[saranbr]

That dynamic was a really big problem at our home, especially shortly after DS came home. I don't have a personality for taking garbage to start with and then being with the kids much more than DH, I have firm standards around the house: no food except at the table and other such things, especially since I have to do nearly all the housework. After much explaining my side of this to him and getting no where, I implemented a new plan which has been far more successful.

First, I never discipline for anything they do to him or in violation of something he says. That is his responsibility. I do take the opportunity later on to point out that some of his cooperation issues are around his lack of consistency. Second, if there is food smeared upstairs, stuff not picked up when he has the kids, poop on the toilet, etc-- cleaning it up is all his gig or he can get them to, but I don't touch it. If it gets bad enough or he doesn't deal with it, I will give the kids a quicky dinner before he gets home and then spend the time that I would normally cook dinner cleaning the mess. Finally, I never argue with him about this stuff. It was like banging my head against the wall. Letting him experience the natural outcome of allowing a three year old to eat chocolate icecream on the couch has been far more successful!

[arthymom]

Thank you all-

You are all so right. I was definitely having the arguments and trying to enforce the rules in front of dd instead of letting natural consequences happen and then having a private conversation w/dh afterwards. I need to let some chocolate get on the couch and then give dh the cleaning stuff afterwards along w/a conversation about consistent parenting...But not in front of dd.

As for the rules, the big irony is that our now 6 y.o. ds knows I mean what I say and rarely do we have issues now, but he buts heads w/dh more often, who doesn't enforce rules consistently.

Not to offend any gentlemen on this board, but I do wonder if women more often than not are the rulemakers for household activities?

Thank you all for the words of advice and encouragement...I totally aknowledge a bit of my type A is part of this whole situation... I need to chill sometimes too.

Best to you all,

[saranbr]

You know, I wonder if women more often setting the "household rules" standard is a function of them more often being the primary caregiver. Even though I work, I'm still doing 90% of the parenting/cleaning/etc-- partially cause I have a schedule that allows it, partially cause DH doesn't do it without my asking. I think it would be interesting to hear from guys that are the primary caregivers, I wonder if they are setting the standard on this stuff in their homes.

[GDSinPA]

Originally Posted by arthymom

Not to offend any gentlemen on this board, but I do wonder if women more often than not are the rulemakers for household activities?

Best to you all,

No offense happening here - even before I got to this post, I was thinking about replying with a guy's perspective.

Basically, yes - it's traditional and common (with younger children in particular) for the primary care-giver to be the primary disciplinarian.

My wife and I have had this discussion on many occasions as I am way more lenient on Carmen than she. It's critical for you guys to be on the same page, but I would offer a suggestion on how to do that. Don't assume your husband doesn't care or wants to be the "good cop" vs your "bad cop". I can tell you from my own experience that my wife has a much more complete understanding of what Carmen is capable of doing. In general, I had no clue that a 20 month hold could be expected to do X, when she knew darn well that she could. Does that make sense? So for us, our conflicts were more around that kind of stuff. But once she explained to me, that yes indeed, Carmen was quite capable of using a fork (for instance), then I understood why she might insist that she at least try, rather than eating with her hands.

Another idea comes to mind more related to your example of candy. We will often disagree already on what CJ should and should not be allowed to do or have. We have agreed beforehand that when this happens, we will never ever disagree in front of her. We've agreed also that when this potential conflict arises, we will err on the side of discipline. In other words, if one parent says candy is allowed in the bedroom and the other does not, then temporarily, the default position is no candy. The other "rule of thumb" we use is based on who will be impacted by a decision. So, if the decision is to let the kid go out and play when it's muddy, then the parent that would end up cleaning up after that get's to decide. I use that example because sometimes, it might be OK to go outside, and other times it might.

Hope that helps.
Blessings,
-Greg

[Larue]

Hi Arth. I can relate to what you're saying. Though DH and I pretty much share the “bad cop” role. Since I travel for work, DH is actually the primary caregiver. And he is much stricter with Sabrina when it comes to enforcing behavior. Maybe because I don’t spend as much time with her, I’m more tolerant of certain things, like public tantrums. I try to redirect her first before giving her a timeout, where as DH will immediately pick her up and carry her to the car for a timeout. On the other hand, I am stricter when it comes to enforcing house rules. Like no food away from the table. Maybe because I’m the one who does most of the cleaning, and has to clean those little chocolate handprints off of the wall. We discuss what we think is appropriate for each situation and try to be as consistent as we can, and not contradict each other in front of Sabrina.

The funny thing is that even when DH is the bad cop, Sabrina still wants her Daddy above all else. She cannot stand the thought of him being upset with her. I wouldn’t worry that being the bad cop is affecting your daughter’s attachment to you. I believe that children attach to each parent differently, and sometimes favor one parent over the other. Which can change based on their developmental stage and in different circumstances. For example, Sabrina is a total Daddy’s girl, except for when she’s sick or hurt. Then she’s all about Mommy. I tell DH that I guess I’m just better at kissing boo boos.

Best wishes!

[arthymom]

Thank you all for your perspective.

(And thank you Greg for the "Y" point of view too!)

It's good to hear how others deal with tensions and challenges of discipline and little ones. It helps to reflect on one's own practices.

[lyssie]

I commend you on your parenting style. It takes engry and foresight to williing to take the effort to stick to what you say and it is SO IMPORTANT !!! so kudos to you for being stricter. I hoep DH will step up and realize the conflict it causes fro your children when they are left to rule the roost! We have had a huge awakening in our home after DD came home and the price to pay for letting things slide was HUGE. We have both had to step up and be more in charge around the home...and you know what I think the children do appreciat eit once the initial shock wears off. I think becoming more ambivilent about waht you expect from your children only leads them to conflict and difficult children. When they know what to expect and that you will follow through they start to accept the guidance, discipline, whatever you want to call it and love you for it.