[robandjulie]

I have an adoption-specific baby book for Jorge which I really like. I'll likely do a lifebook of some sort, too, but for now this is working for me.

Anyhow, one page says "THE MATCH!" and has the date and then two narrative spaces: "how we found out" and "how we celebrated."

For those of you that know our story (or see the timeline) you know that our first referral died on Oct 16, 2007. We found out the morning of the 17th. This was the thick of that mess of Berger and UNICEF passing the new laws, saying they would define "in process", etc. and so we couldn't waste time. My fear was that we'd wait a week or two to get in a better place emotionally (I couldn't even LOOK at referral photos without being physically ill) and we'd take a new referral and then the definition would come out as "POA by date XX" and we would have missed it by a few days. So we signed the POA for a new referral (Jorge) on the 18th, but we couldn't celebrate. I couldn't even look at his photos.

When we took our first referral we had been debating between 4 little boys represented by the same attorney; when Pablo died the attorney said he would waive/credit all of his billed hours from Pablo's case to a new case so long as we stayed with him, obviously, and so DH basically went back to the remaining 3, ruled out one (minor birthmother) and somehow picked Jorge between the two. It's not a terribly romantic, magical, or even happy day. I don't think I even got out of bed that day; I know there was a prayer vigil for Pablo that night.

It was over a month before I could really look at his photos and feel anything positive (and by then his case was almost done with FC and had 1st DNA done) and of course by the time we met him we were fully committed and excited about him as our potential son. But how does that all fit on the page!?

What would you put there in this case? leave it blank? tell the whole sad tale? make something up?

[dac_cincy]

Julie- I would put in all the details. One day this will be important to Jorge, to understand where you were emotionally, the turmoil in Guatemalan adoptions. This story does not change your love for Jorge, it does not diminsh that he is your son, it merely detials what was occurring on the day you got his referral.

As you tell him the story of his adoption, you will use age appropriate language, so you can add these words or response to is questions over the years to this page.

love to you,
Deb

[lzriggles]

Hi there,

I would focus on the feelings you had when things finally "clicked" and your feelings for him began to come through. So I would do one of two things:

If it would work with the format to glue/tape a photo or alternate text over the two headings and then write below that something that fits with your experience but is positive. For example: Our Beautiful Baby! as a heading and then a few photos of him.

OR

I would fill in the space below the headings with a positive spin without fabricating something: For example: How we found out: We saw a picture of the cutest baby boy ever! You looked so handsome and smart in your pictures and we were so very lucky to have the chance to be your parents...

How we celebrated: We were almost too scared to be too excited all at once. It seemed like so many things had to come together for you to finally become our son...

Hope that helps some. Good luck! I bet you'll find the perfect way to complete that page for your darling boy.

[susy...patience]

I haven't done real baby book yet but I have it outlined in my mind -- & I tell DD the story.

I lost my first referral (not in as tragic a way as you) and it took me a week before I could face going to agency & checking into another referral (they had already told me they had another little girl but I asked them not to tell me anything or show me photos). I have decided to leave out any specifics about that 1st referral & instead when I tell DD the story now I just say "I looked everywhere for you....I thought I found you here and I thought I found you there...but it wasn't you so I just had to wait"

I think that sort of language will also go in life book.

[adcollins]

For what it's worth, I don't think I would include all of that. I firmly belive in being honest with our children and I want our daughter to trust us when we tell her the story of her adoption, but I'm not sure I'll include absolutely everything. In this case, you'd been through something tragic and emotional and of course that affected the way you felt when you got his referral, but it may be a long, long time before he can understand the story without feeling that he was second choice, or without feeling some responsibility toward the poor child you lost first.

We had a similarly subdued reaction when we got our referral because we'd had a failed adoption (other circumstances) before this and we were protecting our hearts. I think if we were filling out this page it might be something along the lines of "You were the most beautiful baby we had ever seen and we knew how happy and excited we would be when we finally got to hold you. We couldn't wait! Until we got to meet you in person we looked and looked at your picture and fell in love with you...etc." All of those things are true, whether you felt them that very day or not and I think they're important for a child to know.

Not sure if that's the right way to go, but that's my instinct.

Anne

[JustBarbara]

I think less is more in this case. Too much of an emotional burden to place on your child - just my opinion. You really never know how the young mind works and the conclusions they jump to. I would put down the referral/POA date and go from there. For me the day I got the call from my agency with the referral of my (to be) son was the day I actually started to believe it would happen and I would become a mom. But I held my breath until DNA was matched ... and then held it again until I got pink.

[Devora]

What might help is for you to make some distinctions about which parts belong with which person's story. It seems to me, based on what you described above, that there are three people's stories involved:

1. Pablo's story
2. Jorge's story
3. Your & your husband's story

Jorge needs to know his story. It does not seem to me like in a book like this you need to write Pablo's story. That's not about about Jorge. Yes, it relates to how Jorge came into your family, but it's not about Jorge's life. So I would leave out that part. That's not to say you hide it from him. Perhaps as he gets older it will come up naturally in conversation and you can explain it to him, but it doesn't seem to me like it belongs in Jorge's book. Perhaps it's not the best analogy, but for example in-between my husband and his younger brother their parents had a baby girl. She died at about three weeks old. Her death did have a bearing on their subsequently having a third child. Her birth and death was never hidden. However, it isn't part of my brother-in-law's story of his birth. The story of her life is the story of her life. The story of my brother-in-law's birth and life is his.

Similarly, your difficulty in looking at Jorge's photos, how you chose his referral from the available children, and why you did not choose other children are your story. They are about your process, grief, and willingness to move forward with the process. They aren't about Jorge. So I wouldn't put those in the book, either.

You can talk about your feelings as they relate to Jorge. I think you can say that you were nervous/anxious about whether or not you would be able to bring him home but that you were committed to doing all you could to bring him into your family and your excitement built over time. You can also focus on how the excitement built. I see that as being very different from talking about your fears and hesitations. For example, you don't need to let the pages dictate your time frames. It doesn't matter when the first time was you looked at Jorge's photos -- it was still the first time. So you can write about that without explaining why you waited so long to look at them. Again, you might go into more detail later with him about why you waited. It's not something to hide, but it's a question of what is appropriate in a book like this and what is best talked about (when you can talk about his feelings over what he's hearing) versus what is written down and what is appropriate at different ages.

You are Jorge's parent, not his friend or peer. As parents we share some of our own life experiences with our children, but not others. We also share some of those experiences at different ages. Think about how you will handle sharing other of your life experiences with your children (sex, alcohol, drugs, your own relationship with your parents, etc.). You're probably not going to share all of the details with your children, although you may at some appropriate time talk with him about lessons you learned or what shaped your current values. So when it comes to your part of the story, you don't have to share it all -- any more than you need to tell your daughter about the details of how she was conceived.

Yes, Jorge needs to know his story. But make sure it's his story you're telling him.

[stacytoadopt]

Originally Posted by susy...patience

I have decided to leave out any specifics about that 1st referral & instead when I tell DD the story now I just say "I looked everywhere for you....I thought I found you here and I thought I found you there...but it wasn't you so I just had to wait"

I think that sort of language will also go in life book.

I like this way - I was with an agency prior to the one I adopted my DD from, and with that agency was looking at eastern europe countries. I dont' know if I will include that in any story telling. When she is older and understands more the ups and downs of international adoption, she will probably ask - then I will tell her the truth.

I was 25 when I found out my mom had been married before she married my dad. It was a surprise! - but when I asked why she never mentioned it - she said it just never came up. Not that she hid it or anything. But it isn't anything that comes up causally in a conversation. I don't even remember why it came up now -

I only included this because sometimes hearing about something un-related helps put things in perspective.

[robandjulie]

Thanks everyone for the input.

I have decided to leave out any specifics about that 1st referral & instead when I tell DD the story now I just say "I looked everywhere for you....I thought I found you here and I thought I found you there...but it wasn't you so I just had to wait"

I like this. There's another spot in the book about "how we found you" and I tell part of the story there using this spin. In short: we researched agencies and had to wait until we were paper ready and in the mean time we looked at photos and prayed for all the families and kids and for God's guidance. [in reality we were focussed on one little girl who was referred far before we were paper ready, but I leave that out] I even mention there that we were originally matched to another little boy but that God only meant for us to love and pray for him for a short time before we were matched with Jorge.

...it may be a long, long time before he can understand the story without feeling that he was second choice, or without feeling some responsibility toward the poor child you lost first.

This is my biggest concern. I never want him to feel as if he were what we settled for as a 2nd choice; just as I'm sure many families struggle with explaining how infertility led to adoption in a positive way. At the same time, I never want to imply Pablo's death was a good thing (like "thank goodness we found you instead!") and I never want him to feel guilty for Pablo's death resulting in his (hopefully) happy place in our family.

We were almost too scared to be too excited all at once. It seemed like so many things had to come together for you to finally become our son...

AND

I think you can say that you were nervous/anxious about whether or not you would be able to bring him home but that you were committed to doing all you could to bring him into your family and your excitement built over time. You can also focus on how the excitement built.

That certainly fits! I think that'll work and then talk about how we got more excited as we got closer, saw photos, prepared to go visit, etc.


As for how we found out, I guess we can just leave it at the most basic fact: we were shown his photo, asked for more information, emailed the director our interest, were sent the documents and signed them (of course, more detailed; but not the stories you hear of people waiitng by the phone all day, going out to get the mail, seeing a single blue balloon drift over head and then hearing the phone ring to announce they had a son; or some other touching thing...)

Thanks so much everyone. I appreciate your feedback.

I do see this book (his "memory book") having a different role from his life book and from my own personal journal about our process and from our family blog about it. Like I'm a little surprised that this book has a page for "what we know about your birthfamily" as I feel that's his private information for a more private lifebook or something and that this book is more for firsts and milestones. We've already had to doctor it up a bit, such as repurposing the "baby shower" page since we didn't have one, but I was stumped on how to handle such an important memory when it was so sensitive.

Julie

[Christie.Josh]

I would agree that you should leave Pablo's story out of the lifebook. Raising a almost 4 year-old has taught me alot about how sesentive children are and how hard it is for them to understand things that we think are simple. He might worry that it was his fault that Pablo died ect. . .

We had a misscarriage before we adopted and we may never have adopted if this did not happen so in a way it led us to our son, but I don't consider it part of his story and did not mention it in his lifebook. I am sure that we will tell him someday, but not until he is old enough to understand.

All of us who are currently adopting are going to so much. With the grandfathering, CNA mess, PGN birthmom interviews there were at least 3 times that I truly feared that we would lose our daughter. I don't think I am going to mention this in her lifebook to either with the way that kids worry about things. I will probably mention them as steps that we went through, not as times that we wept because we thought that we were going to lose her.