[JosieWales]

We have a 5mo old bio baby, Owen's little brother. Owen (27 mo) came home at 9mo. I am not saying I lie around weeping for the time I didn't get to spend w/him--we live our lives happily as they are! But w/Ian, our baby, I realize just how many wonderful, amazing milestones we missed with sweet Owen.

And, I think that is something I can let Owen know, when he's older and we talk more about his adoption (and how that differs from how his brother joined our family). From what I have read, sharing sadness about the bmom's situation that led to the adoption plan, and about the aparent's inability to have the achild immediately (as in our case), etc., is an important thing and helps the child understand that it's ok to be sad about some things in relation to his/her adoption.

Just wondered if anyone else felt this way, or if you agree/disagree w/the idea of talking about it w/the child (if you have older akids that would be even better--you'll have experience!).

[dawnrenee58]

It was so strange for me to have a newborn. I remember thinking if I can make it until he is 11 months old, it will all be ok, because Timo came home at 11 months, so I had BTDT. There are many things I am sad I missed with Timo. But, I just am glad he is here, and try not to dwell too much on what I missed. I tell people they are both my miracle kids. TImo because only 45 kids came here from Nicaragua the year he did, and the odds were so against us ever bringing him home. Marco because I was not supposed to ever be able to get pregnant. Both miracles, and I feel that deep in my soul. Timo was born being a member of our family, even if we didn't know it yet. I guess I can "get over" the things I missed because I know it was what had to happen in order for him to be with us.

[kirbystarcat]

I have had this too lately. DD came home at 19 mo and DS came home at 8 mo. DD was older coming home and I just accepted that and knew from the beginning that that was how it was going to be. Now that DS is walking and reaching all these different little milestones everyday do I see what we missed with DD while we waited.
What I keep telling myself though is that DD is who she is because of the life experiences she had living in a hogar away from us---she's fiercely independent, yet easy going and a total love bug. She wouldn't necessarily be the same kiddo we know and love today if she had come to us sooner. I love that she still knows some of her caregivers names if she sees pictures of them and that she has some memory of that time. I hope she keeps it as time passes and she gets older. DS won't have that.

[kerriv]

I don't have any bio kids so I don't know what that's like. With Ruby, there's a part of me that would have liked to be there from the beginning but I don't really think about it much. With Medina, who came home at age 7, I sometimes wonder about her life before me but I cherish the memories she has of her birth family and the time she spent with them (she was only in the orphanage about 1 year before she came to me). I can't feel bad about missing that time because it's obvious to me the benefits for her of remembering them.

[DeeVee]

Becca, interesting question. Carolina came home at 9 months, and many of her milestones were delayed, so I didn't feel at the time that I had missed much, though there was a "getting to know you" period, to be sure. Jesse came home at 2 years 8 months, and I know I missed a lot. I guess the biggest thing for me is that I don't feel like I "know" him as well as I know my other children; and I wonder when will that "gap" close? He is autistic as well, and I wonder so much if he was always like this, or if he developed normally for a time and then regressed; I haven't been able to get any answers, so I guess I'll never know.

I will probably talk about this with Carolina when she is older. With Jesse, I have no idea as it is still too soon to tell how much he will be able to comprehend.

I wouldn't call it grieving missed time exactly. But with a child who has been with you since he or she was a newborn, you see every little change and without even being aware of what's happening, you get to know his or her personality more each day. With a child that comes to you older (whether it be 9 months, 3 years, whatever) it seems like a you each are trying to "get up to speed" with each other's personalities for a time. Of course they are all my kids and I love them all, but I think there comes a point where you really know your child and they know you -- with Carolina we have long surpassed that point. Yet with Jesse we are really not quite there yet.

I hope I'm making sense.

[TerriBB]

Becca,
Yes I really felt it around the time Flora turned 2. It was the 1st anniversary of her arrival home.

She was soooo tiny at one year, the same size our bio son was at 3 months! Of course, she grew physically and caught up mentally, it was a blur...I felt as if I was almost teased with a "baby" who was really a toddler! (14lbs/3-6 month clothes..sparse hair...sort of toddling...not really able to crawl...BUT she'd stack cups into towers, endlessly pour water from cup to cup in the bathtub, she could eat with a spoon...it was VERY confusing for my brain!)

We celebrated her 3rd birthday this fall and the "something is missing" feeling wasn't there at all.

We look at her pictures on the wall each night before we go to bed, five of them are since she's been home...the other is when she's about 6 months old and still in Guatemala. We always say "I want my baby, I want my baby" when we get to that picture. Gradually we've added to the story about how long we waited to get her and how much her brother wanted her home too. I think it will go a long way for the questions that will arrise in the future. When we used our camcorder during our year wait, we always noted the date, what else we were doing that day, where Flora's file was, if we had gotten new pictures..etc. Then, when she is a bit older and we're looking at homemovies, she'll realize that missing her was really a HUGE part of our lives.

[JosieWales]

Let me clarify that I do not feel like anything is missing--Owen and I are peas in a pod! I adore him and know his little personality inside and out (we visited a LOT and I lived w/him for the summer before he came home). I just see these daily changes in Ian (plus I'm nursing him) and I would have loved to see Owen all those days we were apart! He wouldn't be my Owen as he is now, though, w/o that time w/his FF, so in the end, I don't know that I'd change a thing.

[dawnrenee58]

Originally Posted by JosieWales

Let me clarify that I do not feel like anything is missing--Owen and I are peas in a pod! I adore him and know his little personality inside and out (we visited a LOT and I lived w/him for the summer before he came home). I just see these daily changes in Ian (plus I'm nursing him) and I would have loved to see Owen all those days we were apart! He wouldn't be my Owen as he is now, though, w/o that time w/his FF, so in the end, I don't know that I'd change a thing.

OK, I will admit that when I was nursing Marco, I was so sad that I wasn't able to do that for Timo. There is just something about it that I loved, and a relationship we had that I wasn't able to have with Timo. I think it is why I nursed Marco for so long!!! We just stopped a few weeks ago, and it was his decision, not mine. I would have kept on!

[JosieWales]

Originally Posted by dawnrenee58

OK, I will admit that when I was nursing Marco, I was so sad that I wasn't able to do that for Timo. There is just something about it that I loved, and a relationship we had that I wasn't able to have with Timo. I think it is why I nursed Marco for so long!!! We just stopped a few weeks ago, and it was his decision, not mine. I would have kept on!

Other than day-to-day changes, nursing is probably the biggest thing I wish I could've done for Owen. Such a wonderful thing, on so many levels! That said...Owen is my precious boy and lack of nursing sure doesn't change that. Just something I wish I could have done.

[dac_cincy]

Becca-

I felt alot like that in the ibeginning- what I had mised since Bug came home at 21.5 months. As we approach the milestone of being with me longer than he was not, I do not feel like that.
I feel that I was given those things I thought missed out- looking back at the pictures from when Bug came home to now, I see the blossoming personality, I see the trust that has been built up, I see our family knitted together - just as if I had given birth.

What I long for is the unknown portions of my son's story- I can't tell him the pre-birth story and I long for that piece. I probably long for it becuase I know the story I was told is not the truth- heck I now know that Birth Certificate he has in Guatemala is a lie and the alwyer knew it was a lie. So I grieve that part of the time that I can not give my son.

I don;t grieve for nursing/bottle feeding- he came home on 6-8 bittles a day. I don't grieve for the time when he was not walking- becuase the little man still demands to be carried quite frequently. I don't grieve for the helpless little baby, becuase he is such a helper as a toddler. But, I did grieve for these things at one time.
Time has given me a perspective this year and I am happy Bug came home when he did and at the age he did- I have not missed anything that I have not gotten to experience in a different way (I hope that makes sense).

Love and hugs,

[Belenbaby]

My daughter came home at 15 months. I have 3 bios before her so I knew every painful day what I was missing with her. But once she came home that all was pushed away. (not forgotten) She just turned 6 the other day. While I did not get to see the first tooth pop out, I just got to see her lose the first one! I do not grieve over the missed things any more. I rejoice in the new ones. I do talk openly to her about her adoption and how much we missed her while we waited. I have a lifebook, or scrapbook that documents those beginning days. She loves to look through it. The most painful pages are the ones from her first Christmas and first birthday. I think that the more open and honest you are with them, the more secure they are with you. IMO

[JosieWales]

Originally Posted by Belenbaby

I have a lifebook, or scrapbook that documents those beginning days. She loves to look through it. The most painful pages are the ones from her first Christmas and first birthday. I think that the more open and honest you are with them, the more secure they are with you. IMO

I have one in the works, too, not quite done. And your last sentence is exactly what I was getting at. Sharing the fact that you missed them and you understand why they, too, may grieve, is so important.

[elielio]

I am dealing with the same thing right now. I have a 5 week biological child at home. Eli still is not home fro, Guatemala.....I just returned late last night from visiting him. We got his BC on Monday, so I think he will be home in 3 weeks at the age of 18 months. During these past few days with him, I thought a lot about what I have missed with him, even though I have visited him 9 times. I try not to dwell on it much, knowing that we will have a lifetime together and I will be there for many other important milestones.

[bethy724]

I know what you mean!! My son was placed at 3 months & I miss that he didn't grow in my belly - I wish I had ultrasound pictures & more than one picture of his first 3 months of life. It is a time he had w/ his bio mom & something special they will share & I have jealousy-it's ok to admit I just don't dwell on it. I am fortunate enough to have his picture form the hospital. Every b-day (or whenever he asks) we look thru his first year of life calendar & I know I am lucky (he is too) to have that as well as a photo of him w/ his bio parents.

It's ok to say you were jipped of your childs first few months of life & at the same time to be thankful & happy about the opportunity to share the rest of his life w/ him.

[annaguat]

Definitely and especially with my children that suffered from not being home. With two of my children they were with their bio family and I do not have this. I find that I grieve for the time they were not with their bio family and not yet home, so when they were in foster care or in an orphanage. Anna