[Dickons]

Josie - I am an adoptee from the closed era...I hope you don't mind but reading through the posts only a few seemed to understand and discuss your question

Originally Posted by JosieWales

We have a 5mo old bio baby, Owen's little brother. Owen (27 mo) came home at 9mo. I am not saying I lie around weeping for the time I didn't get to spend w/him--we live our lives happily as they are! But w/Ian, our baby, I realize just how many wonderful, amazing milestones we missed with sweet Owen.

And, I think that is something I can let Owen know, when he's older and we talk more about his adoption (and how that differs from how his brother joined our family). From what I have read, sharing sadness about the bmom's situation that led to the adoption plan, and about the aparent's inability to have the achild immediately (as in our case), etc., is an important thing and helps the child understand that it's ok to be sad about some things in relation to his/her adoption.

Just wondered if anyone else felt this way, or if you agree/disagree w/the idea of talking about it w/the child (if you have older akids that would be even better--you'll have experience!).

That is the perfect opening to talk to your child when he is older about grieving over losing his birth family, the need to work through it, recognise it, and that you have empathy for what he will go through.

To have the ability to understand that your sadness over what you have missed, could be the path to ensuring your child has a mom he can turn to without judgement, is probably the greatest gift you can give him.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[pvanabel]

Our 'twins' are 2 weeks apart. I often wonder what Vivian was like as a newborn, how she snuggled, smiled her first smile, comforted her when needed. She came home at 9 months old. All we know for sure is that she was loved and cared for well by her foster family and that is so important. I think it is completely normal to have the feelings you are having. Each child has their own story, whether biological or adopted, and each child will love to hear their own story!!! We have two bios and two child thru adoption and each one of them came into the world in different paths and they will all learn their story at the appropriate times. We do talk about all of their births and countries.

[Momonthefarm]

On the few times I have lamented the fact we missed so much time with our girls (they are 11 and 5) I remind myself that we get to be their parents forever. The ones who have a "right" to grieve are their birth mothers as they are the ones who were forced to make choices no mother should have to make.

We choose to treasure every moment we have with them and pray for peace for their birth mothers and that they will know their daughters are loved.

I am not trying to tell you how to feel or belittling you for feeling the way you do. Just sharing our perspective.

Renee

[wvamom]

I don't know that I grieve over missed time--I do grieve over not having been able to bring Bryan home sooner--I think a lot of his attachment issues would have been better. For instance, Bryan's typical response to new situations is to be really wild (running, throwing things, hitting--even at age 3). When I visited at 10 months and 13 months he was calmer than when we brought him home--maybe he would have attached easier and not been so frantic if we'd been able to bring him home younger. I also wonder about my visiting him--did I contribute to his anxiety? Did he see my visits as yet another "abandonment"? If he didn't remember me from one time to the next, did he think even more people were abandoning him?

A 6-9 month wait to come home is certainly not ideal for parents or children!
Carolyn

[Michelle Smiles]

I haven't read the other responses but I had Tessa in July 08. Sabrina came home in July 07 when she was 9 months old (although I fostered the last 2 months). Before I had Tessa, I told anyone who asked that I didn't feel like I missed much with Sabrina. Newborns are just lumps - we missed out on sleepless nights and got her just when things got fun. After having Tessa? I totally mourn that I missed that time with Sabrina. I had no idea how much I missed and it makes me so sad. Yes, I am happy she was loved during that time by her foster mom but I hate that I missed it. So I totally get what you are saying. And I do hope to talk about it with her. It also makes me ache even more for her birth mom who didn't experience any of it.

[JosieWales]

Originally Posted by Dickons

Josie - I am an adoptee from the closed era...I hope you don't mind but reading through the posts only a few seemed to understand and discuss your question
That is the perfect opening to talk to your child when he is older about grieving over losing his birth family, the need to work through it, recognise it, and that you have empathy for what he will go through.

To have the ability to understand that your sadness over what you have missed, could be the path to ensuring your child has a mom he can turn to without judgement, is probably the greatest gift you can give him.

Kind regards,
Dickons

Thank you for ALL the responses--I'm glad other moms see where I am coming from! And yes, Dickons--this is what I was really getting at. I wan Owen to know that I mourn lost time w/him, I mourn for the loss his bmom suffered and that he suffered. As much as we love each other, I know he'll be sad someday about his bmom and that loss. I want him to be able to feel that grief w/o shame or fear that I'll reject his emotions.

[Michelle Smiles]

Wow Becca...looks like our experiences were incredibly aligned time wise! I ended up with 2 beautiful girls and you 2 wonderful boys. I have another Guatemom friend here in Nashville with almost the same time line too.

[JosieWales]

Originally Posted by Michelle Smiles

Wow Becca...looks like our experiences were incredibly aligned time wise! I ended up with 2 beautiful girls and you 2 wonderful boys. I have another Guatemom friend here in Nashville with almost the same time line too.

Aren't we BLESSED???? LJR on these boards is similar, too.